Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

I want to bang my head against the wall.

All's well with me and H. We communicate better than we ever have, and life is good. Mostly I need to just vent this and then do the work to let it go.

My H is a rescuer. He has a history of being the White Knight, the caretaker, the "good" guy. It was something that caused a lot of trouble in our R and fed into my "bad one" dynamic. (In my family, I was the difficult child as opposed to my pleaser brother.) Since I have dropped my role and stopped playing that part, H's rescue role in M has gone away.

Not so outside of our M, especially with his dad.

My FIL is a nice guy, but he's the Original Victim. He's like Droopy Dog, a perpetual Poor Me. It's the way he controls his kids and wife, and it's the reason my MIL probably divorced him. He doesn't play it with me because he knows I won't buy it...I call him on his B.S. lovingly, so it's not a problem in our R. But my H....

Last night my BIL and his wife, my H and I, and FIL and his wife all got together to celebrate Christmas since we'll all be different places on the actual day. One thing my FIL likes to do is try to bring up politics, but the majority of us have drawn a boundary there. Basically, H is on an extreme end of politics and the rest of us are on the other side. FIL still baits us, especially my H, because H wants to debate and make FIL see it a different way. FIL is convinced he can get H to see it his way. It ALWAYS ends badly, to the point where all the wives have stated that if they start talking politics, we will walk out on them wherever we are and go order an expensive bottle of wine or two on their dime.

Mostly this has worked, but then FIL lobs some stupid comment to bait my H last night right before we're getting ready to leave. H almost engages, but catches my eye and Dad's wife's eye. He then tells FIL that there's no use in discussing politics, as FIL will never change his mind, and H will never change FIL's mind. H asks if they can just agree to disagree. It seems like that goes over well, we all leave, and I think it's over with.

H checks his voicemail this morning, and FIL has left a panicked message saying, "I'm so sick, I need to talk to you," on and on. H thinks FIL is actually ill, and calls back. Is he sick? NO. He says he feels awful because H is like some extremist with a closed mind who won't even listen to outside opinions. Now, this is SO not my H, he just doesn't want to listen to the propaganda my FIL passes on and knows there's no point in having these conversations with his dad. I've been with my H nearly 14 years, and every conversation they have about politics leaves them both upset. IT'S STUPID.

But FIL plays the poor me/victim card and manipulates my H into agreeing to meet sometime soon so FIL can show him the "reams and reams of data" he's collected to prove H's opinion is wrong. And it just pisses me off.

Now, I realize this is not my choice to make. I get it. I'm still furious though, because my FIL has once more gotten his way by playing the victim. H will have this conversation, be upset by the craziness that comes out of FIL's mouth. He'll want to recount the conversation to me and soothe him after it's all done, and it will just put me back into this frustrating space. I have no control over it, and so it makes me nuts.

So H tells me this today, and I told him everything I've told you here, and said I recognize it's his choice, but that if he's insisting on moving forward, please respect that I don't want to hear anything about it when it's over. I told him he was playing into his father's manipulation, that FIL would never let it go unless H changed his views, and that there was no point in it all. But yes, it's his choice, but my boundary is that he leaves me out of all of it.

I guess maybe that sounds harsh or mean, but I really can't continue to put myself in a situation where I have no say or control. H agreed, but didn't know why it made me so upset.

H has had to take care of his dad all of his life, which explains why H is the way he is. At least we've got it solved between us.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I just had to get it out.

SD