Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Newbie here, I've been reading and watching, but looking for advice now.
My stitch: Married 14.5 yrs, 2 kids (8 and 3), W tells me that she had planned on leaving when we have to move in about 7 months. That was a month ago. I of course did the begging, pleading routine and immediately a lot of self-reflection. Her reasons for leaving are classic WAW spouse. I realize what I was failing in and have changed completely. I hit bottom, I've changed. What she has promised is to stick around and see if she can even get to a place where she is willing to work on things again.
In the meantime, I've learned there is another OM. Long distance EA is what i see, there may have been some PA this summer but now that not possible as they are in thousands of miles apart. She of course claims they are just special/good friends.
Since then, I see they talk on the phone at least 30 mins each day (sometimes 60+ even though they both work) and about 40-50 texts go back and forth each day. I've seen some of the texts which include the I love yous. She is suspicious I may have seen it the one day, but doesn't know. I did the 180 and didn't say a word. If I do bring it up, I'll be calm/cool about it which will be a 180 on all other conversations we've had about this OM.
Also, things have started to get a little better between us. For the first time in months, there is a little affection. Some touching, a hug or two, and two nights of me holding her as we go to sleep.
I'm tormented. I was ready to confront about what I know about the affair when things started to get a little better between us. It's now a few days before xmas.
I've read DB and have applied a lot of the techniques, though I'm human and hurting and aren't always perfect.
The other day she offered to sit down and talk and I could ask anything to understand better what she is going thru. I told her I needed to think about things. She brought it up again the next night and I told her I wasn't ready.
Do I ask about the affair? Do I expose the affair? (I know she will deny it. She still talks to me about the OM assuming I'm buying they are just good friends). Do I wait till after xmas?
Advice is appreciated.
I have decided that I want to salvage our marriage and make it stronger than it ever was before and I know i can if she is willing and if I can get trust back.
Thanks!

[mindfull]

Hi Gut!

I'm no expert in A stuff, and hope never to be, but I don't see how you two can get any closer w/her committing time, emotional energy and ILY's w/anyone else.

I'm sure a lot of others w/experience w/this will be along shortly, but my GUTreaction is to have the conversation, telling her how you're working on yourself, enjoying your time together more, but are unsure yourself about the future of your M. The reason is that she's having what's called (at the very least) an EMOTIONAL affair w/someone else, thus blocking your chances of continuing the M.

Good Luck, and you'll have plenty of input soon.

[rockedworld]

Hi Gut,
Sorry to see you here, none of us want to be here. but, it is a supportive place and literally saved me emotionally during my sitch (still is).

I think it is a personal choice for you whether to confront before Christmas or not. I think that i, for one would wait. But, only you can know what you can tolerate or not.

You will have to have the conversation though.

When you do, plan it in advance in terms of what to say.

When I confronted my H, I had been on this forum long enough to know that I needed to do it calmly, with assertive boundaries, but also letting my H know that I would fight for this M.

I said something like this: "I know the truth now about you and OW. I want you to know that I am devestated, but that I also love you and I am going to fight for this M. I am willing to forgive you and work through a healing and re-building process, but only if OW is out of your life completely in every way." I was very calm. I was very firm. I was very sure.

My H was very surprised by my reaction, and, as a result, there was no fighting, yelling, drama etc.

After that, I DB'ed my butt off. I remained firm in my position, I GAL'ed, I did 180's, I didn't pressure, I made myself "the better option". OW took me finding out as an opportunity to pressure H to leave me and kids immediately and move in with her. H was now very confused and torn. He waffled for 3 weeks, then ended the A and re-committed to our M. We are now slowly, painfully at times, piecing our M back together and making progress.

I am not saying that is how things could turn out for you... they could, but no guarantees. But, what I am saying is that you need to apply the DB principles both in how you confront, and how you handle things before/after the confrontation.

I am still pretty new at all this myself, so I am sure some of the vets will be along to help....

In the meantime, know you are not alone and the good people here understand and are with you...

Hugs to you,
Rocked

[gutwrenching]

thanks for the 2 replys so far. I am fighting back tears, this is so painful. I had made up my mind to confront this weekend, but just couldn't because of the physical affection I have been receiving that I have been longing for.
Another thing I forgot to mention is the pattern. The OM is married with 3 kids. On weekends, their communication is much, much less (but still a little there). Every weekend my W and I make progress only to lose ground during the week as the W and OM communicate

[Super Girl]

Sorry you have to be here, GW. This is the worst time of year to have to deal with this, but it will get better. As long as she has the OM, you can't beging to heal your R. Read up on other people's sitch. You'll get good info while you wait for others to help you.

[Greek]

I had made up my mind to confront this weekend, but just couldn't because of the physical affection I have been receiving that I have been longing for.

Another thing I forgot to mention is the pattern. The OM is married with 3 kids. On weekends, their communication is much, much less (but still a little there). Every weekend my W and I make progress only to lose ground during the week as the W and OM communicate

Gutw'ing~~~~
I'm sorry about the mess around you. However ~~~ all is not lost. There is much you can do and that can be done to repair your M. You may not want to hear this but #1 on the list is lay down a boundary about the OM. I'm not sure why your W is turning on the affection for you at this time - might be goodness - but no matter what it is about...if she is texting 40-50 times a day, spending 30-60 minutes per day on call with OM, you will NOT be able to repair or save your M. That's a fact, Jack. As long as her feet are in both camps, no one is going to win, esp. not Gutwrenching!

Unfortunate timing here so close to Christmas. My thought is that you SIT ON what you know - but continue to watch and gather info about their contact. Then, DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS, sit down with W and tell her what you know and what you boundary is concerning it. "W, this much contact between you and OM is inappropriate for a married woman. I have decided that I will not share your attention and confidences with another man and I ask that you stop this contact now. We have some issues within our M that need our full attention and I would like to work on that with you. If you will not stop all contact, you will have to find another place to live - I'll give you three weeks to arrange that. Also, I intend to contact his W to let her know about the EA. I will not share my W with another man." Do not argue with her. Do not dispute her when she says they are just friends. You have said all that needs to be known by her at this time - your boundary. Then she can make her cnoice.

Greek

[Lost Rabbit]

As the other said not a nice time to find yourself here, but everyone is very supportive and kind and will support you as much as we can. Find the time to read lots of the threads and it will give you lots of information and ideas as wel.

[Ready2Change]

Do I ask about the affair? Do I expose the affair?(I know she will deny it. She still talks to me about the OM assuming I'm buying they are just good friends). Do I wait till after xmas?

Puppy Dog tails is the affair expert here. Do a search on his name and read as much of his advise as possible before exposing. Lean on his understanding.

At some point, you will state something very similar to this:

"I will not live in an open marriage. Tell me the truth"
You believe she will lie. When she does, You then state "I will not tolerate being lied to."


You want it all scripted out before it happens to you respond and not react.

[12bar]

So sorry that you are here, especially during the holidays but you are already getting great advice. As far as the affection that you are getting, it may be that your W is very confused about what she wants and therefore needs to keep her options open. I think Puppy Dog Tails (the local affair expert) had a good analogy about keeping plates spinning on sticks. My W is in an affair and my experience was that she was more affectionate with me prior to me confronting about the A. While the affection feels good, as long as the A persists, you will make no real progress on improving your M. That is why, as Greek and R2C mentioned, your first order of business is to establish boundaries. Make certain that you have boundaries have clearly defined consequences or they will be ineffective. Whether you confront before or after Christmas is your choice but you will need to confront at some point. Confronting was empowering for me and I personally think it is the only way to begin to get the respect of you W back.

Stay strong, I know how bad this experience is but there is always hope and you will make it through it. Use the folks on this forum as a sounding board to make sure you are making the right moves and never act out of emotion.

[gutwrenching]

I had read a lot and had it scripted and today I couldn't take it anymore. They were texting back and forth, I saw it, she was trying to hide it. I used most my script. Might have backfired. She's thinking about leaving for good now. I have the power and that is the only thing holding her here because I could ruin his career and her career. She says she doesn't care about hers, but does about his. The amazing thing is today they were texting about what he was buying for his wife for Christmas.

So now its like blackmail. So what do I do. If I tell her that I won't ruin his career or hers or tell his wife, she probably bolts and files for divorce. If I don't say that, maybe she stays but she is PISSED...thats no way to build a relationship.

She says she had decided to leave and that was that. So she hadn't really thought about trying to get to a place to work on our relationship. Right now, she is not willing. It is all because of the stereotype WAW syndrome. She doesn't care that I have changed.

What do I do now!?!?!