There is no such thing as perfection. I hope you know that.
Make YOUR place how YOU want it. Get a haircut/new clothes to WOW yourself. And while your W is in YOUR home let her know by your ACTIONS you are the man of the house and you take the lead as far as your children are concerned. IMO if she is nothing more than a visitor in your home attending for a holiday celebration. I feel that would make a bigger impact on her than anything.
So often (in most cases I think and certainly in my own experience) the WAS wants the perks of marriage and family when it is obligatory (holiday, b-day or they need help/support) but when they don't want it, they just blow you off. It is of my opinion (and yes, we all have opinions) that so many LBS's block their own healing and forward movement when they allow the WAS to have the perks of marriage and family when they choose. Your W has opted out of the perks of a marriage and in tact family on a full time basis so when she is included she should be treated with the same courtesy you would treat any other random guests but not doted on or coddled as a spouse.
Shower yourself and girls with happiness and attention and let her see that she is now an outsider (who is still treated with kindness as you would any guest) but certainly not part of an in tact nuclear family simply because it is a holiday.
That is the exact reason I no longer answer my H's "happy holiday" texts or any other text/message unless it is about further execution of our Agreement. He opted out and no longer gets the perks of having a loyal and fantastic friend and wife. Its not about being rude or unkind. To me it's about actions and I choose to not have a part time friend/husband when he has a few spare and private moments away from his long term affair.
On the rare occasion I do have to see my H I am smiley, pleasant and polite as I would be to any random person I don't have a relationship of any sort with. I simply view him as an outsider and while I know that hurts him it's a very direct consequence of his actions over the past 21 months.
It certainly will take some powerful restraint on your part but make the holiday all about you and your girls and view your W as a guest who was fortunate enough to be included. Be kind but shower yourself and your girls with attention and love. She chose to dismantle the family. Show her you have created a new one. Let her be the one to engage conversation. As I said, be happy, polite, civil and welcoming to her as you would to any other guest you would have in your home for a holiday celebration. That is how I would handle it.
