Well, what I want doesn't seem to matter. Wife has set a timeline. I talked with her today and she says she's ready to move on either way. She said she won't got to counseling and won't start dating me because I've refused to remove OW from FB. She said, unless something groundbreaking happens tomorrow, she's going to see her lawyer on Monday and file for divorce as she's not getting any younger. She stated that she's not going to pay for what she has done for the rest of her life and doesn't intend on being alone. She also said she doesn't know if she can trust me.
You asked what I want. I want my wife back but without the attitude that she has. How can one act in this manner after doing all they've done? I don't get it.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Well, yet another phone call. This time it was pressing for my daughter to come stay with her for the week. I said, to do what? Aren't you working? She said yes. I said, well I'm not and was planning to do stuff with her this week. I asked, what is she going to do? Sit over there and watch tv while you work and then when you get home, watch more tv and go to bed? She said, does that mean that you're not going to let me get her? I said, no, I never said that. She said, I think I'll bring up to my lawyer that I don't get her that much. I said, be sure to bring up that you refused to pay child support also.
She then asked again, are we going to work this out? I said, it doesn't appear so, you are going to see you lawyer to file tomorrow. She said, all you have to do is click that one person off of FB. She said, I understand that you think it's controlling you but it's not. She said, I think you're keeping her on there as a backup. I said that is absolutely not the case. (and it's not, she lives a long way away and doesn't even converse with me that often) I threw out the offer that PMA suggested. I said to her, if you go to one counseling session as a sign of good faith, I will take her off. No dice.
She went back to talking about my daughter. So, am I ever going to get to see her? Then, this blew me away. She said, I should have just sucked it up and stayed at home until she turned 18. WHAAAAATTTTTT???? I said, excuse me? Did you just say what I think you just said. I then asked, so are you telling me that you've just been trying to come home so that you can be with my daughter and that you intend to leave once she's gone? She said, no. I responded, well, I guess you could see where I would think that based on what you just said.
She then started crying and said she was ready to move on and not rehash anything else and why couldn't I just get past all of this? I told her that I didn't believe that she has told the truth about what she did and the fact that she seems so condescending and overbearing about the whole thing bothers me. She said, she didn't want to feel these feelings anymore, that she's gotten to a point where she could finally look in the mirror and that she could only ask for forgiveness so many times.
I get that it is painful for her. I know she has feelings about the whole sorted mess but it still feels like she is discounting my feelings in the whole sitch. Everything that happens has to happen when she says it needs to happen, she sets the timeline for everything.
Wait, she just called back to apologize and she brought up the FB thing again. She said, have you been on FB today and done what I asked. No, I haven't. Well then, I'll be seeing my lawyer tomorrow. Ok, I got it. She said, I can't believe this is happening. I said, ok, gotta go,bye.
Last edited by AFWAW; 12/20/0904:23 PM.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Your W has made a reasonable request. You are looking pretty foolish by not honoring it, rather like a little boy in a p*ssing contest with himself. You've backed yourself into a corner. Man up and walk out of it. Delete the inappropriate friend from FB. Grow up. If you want a chance at an R with your W, you could honr her request for this small sign of respect.
So, she just came by to get my daughter and yes of course she brought up the FB thing. She said, when I'm old, I will regret not doing this one thing that she's asked just like I told her she would regret not coming home when she did. I said, ok, well you guys have a good time.
Ugggggghhhhh, this is tough. I'm considering taking the OW of FB. I don't think there's a chance we could ever have a relationship anyway but I'm still wondering if I even do this what the future would hold for me and my wife. She also told me that she's had counseling from a chaplin. She claims that's how she's gotten past this.
I don't understand why this is so hard for me...
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I would think that with hard work, you and W could have a wonderful R in the future. Forgiveness is the key. You both have to find a way to forive each other.
I have a friend that has went thru something similiar, and he tells me that his R is stronger now than it has ever been. Of course, it doesn't work that way for everyone. But, if both of you choose the R, commit to each other and the work it is gonna take, with a very good pro M C, I think you guys can. Someone is gonna have to give a bit here.
If you want her back, then try. Can't hurt any more than what is happening now. But you both have to choose....
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Why don't you delete the FB account? Have her do the same if she has one... You can always create a new account later on, w/both of you have complete transparency.
I hate to be DebbieDowner, because I think it's a control thing w/her. And, would probably just be the impetus to another "demand," HOWEVER, what do you have to lose?
Also, unless I missed something, the female on your fb account isn't an inappropriate contact, right? YOU are separated from a wife that chose infidelity and a R w/OM (that has since left HER). I'm not for dating, but talking to a friend, w/out initiating anything else, or committing your emotions to them isn't inappropriate.
Just my two cents!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"I don't understand why this is so hard for me..."
Because you backed yourself into a corner and you won't own up to it. You drew a line in the sand where you shouldn't have.
"W, you are right. It is not respectful or decent to keep her as a FB contact if in my own mind I am still interested in possible reconciliation. I am. I deleted her. She is not a friend to our M, so she does not belong in our life. Sorry it took so long, I painted myself into a corner with my big stubbornish brush."
Of course she is an inappropriate contact. He calls her OW himself and is having contact with her while considering reconciling with his W. It is unfair to all involved. He is just trying to keep her in the wings, which is a sh*tty way to treat her and a sure way to undermine reconciliation.
Guess it's okay to disagree, but AFW has certainly tried and tried and tried to get his W to work on things. Guess my perception is clouded because of the way his W has treated he, and worse yet, their daughter.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Just get off your butt, go to FB and delete OW already. W's boundary regarding OW is a good one for her to have. W has taken several steps on the tightrope toward you, join her in the risk of trying to heal your M. You can at least take one foot of the platform by taking a step toward her. Do it.
