Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Ok...so I arrived a little late, walked in, and to my surprise it was a small pub. I saw a couple of long tables with people sitting, but saw plenty of people wearing "holiday sweaters" sitting in booths. Luckily someone called me over to the right table! I was about to embarrass myself and walk up to some people sitting at a booth to ask them if they were part of the ugly holiday sweater party!! Close call.

To my surprise, there were only about 8-9 people at our table. 4 others joined us later. Also, only 3 people were wearing "ugly" sweaters! No fair! So we joked about that.

Most people were in their late 30s-40s. There were 5 dads. I started talking to a dad who was an electric engineer but laid off so he got to pick up his daughter from school every day, even if it wasn't "his" day. He lit up talking about her and shared lots of stories about how they spent their time. He had 50% custody. Another dad did as well and also was so passionate talking about his son.

It really solidified for me that 50% was/is the right thing to do for our S. I pray it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I know WH would be just as dedicated as these dads and S would really get quality time with each of us.

Anyway, they started sharing stories of divorce. Like I said earlier, I only heard 4 stories. The electrical engineer was 42 and had a 6 year old daughter. He said it was about money. He initiated the divorce after his W wouldn't stop using credit cards. There must be more, but then he kept talking about money, the housing market, economy. He knew his stuff but I got the impression he was OBSESSED with money. I asked him if he grew up poor.Nope. Money is security.
Sigh. I think I read somewhere that next to infidelity, money issues are the 2nd highest reason for divorce. I just kep thinking "you threw away your marriage over something that could have been sorted out?"

Another young woman was 27 and had a 2 year old son. She started thinking about divorce when he was my son's age; 5 months old. She said her H was a workaholic cook and would rather work or sleep in than spend time with his family. She said he grew up in a dysfunctional home where there wasn't a strong sense of family so she thinks he just didn't know how to be a dad or husbnd. Even now, he sees his son 2 evening per week but cancels a lot for work. As I was listening, I just kept wondering if they had to divorce; what if she had tried some DB techniques first? On the other hand, he sounds very "broken" so she might never have been able to get him to come around. In her case, with an absent father, I guess it would be best for her S if she found a better man who could be an awesome stepdad.

The other dad I talked to was in his mid 40s. He was an architect for green building, but had been a stay at home dad while unemployed for several years. His W was the breadwinner. They lived in a tiny town in the country until moving up tothe city a few years ago. He said that he made the move for his W, arrived here and started to get some work. Then she divorces him.

There was a woman in her late 30s who had been married 15 years. She and her H had infertility issues but finally through medical intervention had their daughter. Last year he found an ex girlfriend on Facebook (so common). They had an affair; the woman finally confirmed her suspicions with cell phone records. They separated but had an "in house S" which was torture. His A ended but now he wants to date others. (it reminded me of my SIL's exH) They are seeking a "collaborative divorce" because she can't forgive him or let the A go. It wasn't clear to me if he wanted to R or not. They are only S, not legally, for now. Her H is involved and dedicated with their daughter.

We also talked about fun stuff too. But I couldn't help but think that I AM NOT DIVORCED YET. I still have hope. My WH and I do not have money issues or workaholic issues. We still love each other. If OW can be out of the picture, I have no doubt that as long as WH stays dedicated, we could rebuild our M. !!!!

When I got back, my SIL told me that WH had sent her a text to check on S. I guess S had a hard time calming down and was screaming bloody murder. SIL told him that he finally settled but was "gasping" in his sleep, like after you have had a hard cry and can't catch your breath. He said to let him know if she needs anything. Uhmm...yeah...like he would drive 45 minutes to help her and by the time he got there, S would be fine?

Besides, supposedly he had other plans last night and that was why he couldn't babysit!

But, I was touched that he checked in. I hope he felt guilty that S was having a hard time!!!

In all, I'm glad I went, no one was "prowling," and now I know some people for the next meet up!

5 days til Christmas. I can't wait until it's over so I can get through it!

WH comes over today. I have a lot to get done so I won't be hanging out with him much! ;-)