The Truth Hurts

[CountingCrows]

Starting a new thread today. Yesterday, I spoke with BIL who is absolutely appalled at the things that my W has done behind my back. He provided me with some additional information regarding a male "friend" that W brought with her to his house for a concert back in May. This started the ball rolling, and I've since spoken to another mutual friend who has come clean with everything that she's known and wanted to tell me for quite a while.

Apparently, my W's infidelity started last November. She had come to me shortly after it happened, and acted like she was being up front and honest, and that it hadn't gone as far as full blown sex, but was merely a EA. Untrue. This May, when she was spending WAY too much time with a guy who was "just friends", she claimed that there was no way that she would have anything to do with him physically. Untrue. The OM that she is currently in a relationship with, who I busted having a PA with her but is now "just friends". Untrue.

I'm done. There is only so much that I was willing to tolerate. I was already on the edge of what I felt I could forgive, and now that's completely blown out of the water. My personal integrity and self-respect is worth so much more to me than this M. I have spent 15 years loving this woman with all my heart and soul. I've been completely faithful to her in every way. But I don't believe that I'm in a M that is worth saving at this point.

I imagine my next thread will be in the Surviving D forum. I really appreciate all of the advice and support from everyone on here, more than I can say.

[sgctxok]

Hi Counting....I'm really sorry that this is waht you are coming up with. I don't know your full story, but I always...almost always believe in hope, and I always believe in a happy ending.

Your marriage RIGHT NOW isn't worth saving. You deserve more. Perhaps without you in her life, she will see the light....and 'DB' you back. Perhaps after pulling back, you will find a new way to win her back.


I pray you have healing in your heart and joy in Christmas for you and your son.

Wishing you EVERY wonderful thing....with an outpouring of love.

[CountingCrows]

So, I'm trying to figure out when to confront W with the fact that I now know EVERYTHING, and how to approach the confrontation. I had invited her to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with S7 and I so she wouldn't have to spend it alone, but don't want to do that now.

I want to tell W that I'm divorcing her. I feel like I just need to retain a atty this week. But, I don't want to give away too much, too soon, and mess up any chances I have at retaining full custody of S7.

I also want to expose W's A to OM's girlfriend, as I feel that she has a right to know what's going on, but again, not sure how to approach this.

Has anyone out there been betrayed and deceived multiple times like this and been able to work through it and reconcile M? I see next to no hope whatsoever now, and don't know if I could even if she truly wanted to try.

[Day by Day]

Hi Counting Crows,

Wish I had advice for you, but I'm in the same sitch. I hope to hear from others that respond to you about R. I don't see hope in my sitch either. I only was able to semi-confront via email. It didn't do anything to change things. There's no remorse from WAH. I also want full custody of kids.

I was told by OW's ex H through a message on FB.

{{Counting Crows}}

[P17]

So, I'm trying to figure out when to confront W with the fact that I now know EVERYTHING, and how to approach the confrontation. I had invited her to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with S7 and I so she wouldn't have to spend it alone, but don't want to do that now.

Do you REALLY not want to do that now? If not, you need to tell W and I would maybe use the time when you tell her to tell her what you know. That is a big decision to make, especially with Xmas. It may also have maximum impact at that time. Only you know your W and sitch best.

I want to tell W that I'm divorcing her. I feel like I just need to retain a atty this week. But, I don't want to give away too much, too soon, and mess up any chances I have at retaining full custody of S7.

Why tell her at all? But make sure before you do this you are 100% sure as D doesn't fix the hurt and the pain.

I also want to expose W's A to OM's girlfriend, as I feel that she has a right to know what's going on, but again, not sure how to approach this.

Most people talk about a 'tsunami of truth' and you should expose it to friends, family and employer (if relevant and they work together) all at the same time, on the same day so that it has maximum impact on them.

Has anyone out there been betrayed and deceived multiple times like this and been able to work through it and reconcile M? I see next to no hope whatsoever now, and don't know if I could even if she truly wanted to try.

I am no expert on this but is somebody is a serial adulterer then you have two options - kick them to the curb or get THEM help.

Just my 2p worth.

[CountingCrows]

Last night, my reliable informant came over and chatted with me for about 2 hours. The FULL truth came out that W has been sexually involved with quite a few other men for over 2.5 years. My love, trust and devotion has left me so blind that I had refused to believe that she could do this to me and S7, but I now know that it's fact. So many lies, half-truths and lies by omission.

This morning, W called to see if I needed to help this week with S7 out of school for the holidays. I told her that we didn't need her, that I had taken care of handling his care and that I had explained all of the plans last week. She made a comment about how that sounded snide. I paused for a moment, and then simply said "The truth will set you free. Too bad you're not capable of it." She asked what's that supposed to mean, and I told her that she knew exactly what I meant. Told her I didn't want to hear anything else that came out of her mouth, and said goodbye.

W started calling/texting me frantically trying to get me to talk to her, even saying she was going to come by if I didn't talk to her. I answered after about 5 calls and told her that I was taking S7 to daycamp (he's out of school this week) in 5 minutes and that I'd talk to her later.

W quickly called a friend of ours, who's husband called me after I got to work, asking me what was up. Said that W had told his W that I told her that I was f'ing done with her and other BS that I absolutely didn't say. W said that I must have somehow gained access to her phone records and found out that she was still "talking" with current OM. W is spinning hard, not knowing what I know or how. W told friend that she was going by my house to get some of her stuff if I hadn't already change the locks (I changed them out last night).

I'm ready to unleash a tsunami of truth, but I'm still not sure how to approach it. I want to speak with her parents and OMGF. Not looking to go at it maliciously, but simply want them to know the truth, since they have received none of it from W.

I really want to sit down with W and give her one last chance to be completely honest with me about EVERYTHING, that I will not be in an open marriage, I will not share my wife with any other men and I will absolutely not tolerate blatant lies and half-truths anymore. Failure to be anything but 100% honest, and I will do whatever I have to to protect myself and S7, and I will have absolutely no direct contact with her again.

I had planned on continuing her "allowance" until January 1st, but I don't plan on giving her one more red cent now. It's time for her to lay in this bed she made (wouldn't want to see it under a blacklight) and feel the FULL consequences of her repeated decisions of betrayal and lies.

Puppy? Where are you?! I know you're really busy right now, but I'd sure like to hear you're opinion and suggestions!

[CountingCrows]

Spoke with W's Father and Stepfather today. They both were very supportive of me as a husband and father and think that I need to detach and divorce her...that's she's poison to me and S7 (as well as to herself). Her dad said I could take the entire story and substitute W's mom's name 30 years ago. Almost exactly the same behavior as her mom before their D. Like mother, like daughter.

Also spoke to D lawyer today. He's ready to file as early as next Monday. Wants to play hardball. Haven't heard from or talked to W since this morning. Still want to talk to her first and see how hard she's going to fight me for shared custody of S7. I will accept nothing less than full custody with visitation for W. I went ahead and made the appt, so I guess depending out how talk with W goes will determine if it will be hardball or softball.

I still just want to hear the truth (preferably with an outpouring of remorse) from her mouth. Not that I expect it. I want to give her one final chance to break it off from OM, get help and give the M a honest attempt, but don't think it will happen.

This still isn't what my heart wants, even if my brain is telling me that it's the right thing to do.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Last night, my reliable informant came over and chatted with me for about 2 hours. The FULL truth came out that W has been sexually involved with quite a few other men for over 2.5 years.

I haven't read your sitch, but have YOU been sexually active with the W within the last 2.5 years? If so, get yourself to a doctor, and get tested for STD's- ALL OF THEM.

You don't know how many men she's been with, whether any of them are bisexual or drug users, whether she's had safe sex... you get the picture. Sorry to be so blunt.

[CountingCrows]

Arwen,

Don't mind the bluntness. I already thought of that very thing this weekend, and made a appt. with my doctor today for next week. Scary thought...but reality.

[CountingCrows]

Shouldn't have tipped my hand so quickly. W still doesn't know what I know, but she's going to be seeing SFIL today as he and W's mom pass through town. I've asked SFIL not to mention our conversation, but I doubt that W's mom will stay quiet about it. Going to try to bump up D lawyer visit to this Thursday, although he won't be able to file until next week.

I still don't want a divorce, but I know that's just my heart still talking, not my head. I know what the right thing to do is now, and that's protecting myself and S7. I'll be starting a new thread in the other forum today.

I know that I can do this knowing that I tried everything I could, but I can't remain married to a serial adulterer. I'll eventually forgive, but will never forget the things she has done to destroy this family.