Just journaling again this morning. Didn't sleep much at all last night. In many ways I feel like the D itself I can accept..and I know I need to move on and out of necessity.

Whay hurts the most - feels like lemon in an open wound - was H blaming me again for the devise of our M. For the past year+ I have done everything in my power to save this marraige (and even before he moved out), but he only remembers the conflicts of earlier years and threw them all in my face. He didn't seem to care how much I was hurting, and kept saying 'you need to move on'. I have made mountains of progress from 6 months ago when I was so depressed over the situation...he doesn't see any of that.

And yes, he was responding to my declaration, upon receipt of papers, that "I don't believe in just walking away like the way he did...that it was essentially abandonment". So maybe I proviked him, I know. At the same time, I called it out exactly as it was. He's so brainwashed himself to think I'm the cause of everything to justify his own actions. Can I tell him this or will this only do more damage?

When I pointed out that he walked on our our M, he said, "No, W, I didn't walk out on you, you pushed me to leave b/c you didn't get along w my family, my temper issues - he felt he'd hurt me if he stayed - and his self-esteem issues - that I whiddled away at." So in essence he's blaming me on his own actions and feelins. Yes, I did things to contribute and i OWN those. I guess it's pointless trying to rationalize w a man like this at this point...but I feel like I'm getting into the self-blame cycle all over again when I finally got out of it few months ago.

How do I tell him now that 'yes, I do want this process to go amicably' but please stop blaming me for where we are when you know darn well I've done everything to help up - albeit unsuccessfully - across this past year (while he was out partying and socializing and denying the situation entirely).
How to I let go of these 'yucky' feelings from such a sad/tough conversation, while also letting him know please don't go there w me. It's like I want to call him out on his abandonment but I prob shouldn't (I did hold myself back from saying 'he was just like his father' who did the same thing to his family by walking out...he comes from a bit of a broken home, and I do think it plays a role in how he sees M/commitment). Do I just let that go and work on my own healing/recovery? Yes, I know. But I'm so digusted by the 'oh here's the papers I want to push this D forward, and btw this is all your doing' approach.