One day at a time....

[Hope4us]

Rocked,

Anger is VERY normal. And at least in my experience, you'll be having those angry periods for quite a while.

Now, what to do with it. Try to figure out and recognize just what it is that triggers the anger so you can better deal with it. And then tell your H about it. I'm not saying you need to dump it on him each time there's been a trigger, but at least let him know so he doesn't misinterpret.

Once W's A was over, I even warned her that there are things that trigger me hugely and while I don't like being angry, it happens, I knew they'd be there going in and I'll deal with them, but a little understanding would be nice.

I'm thinking the anger you're describing now is from the spat you had with H. And that was from your insecurity with the whole mess. You got a call from the Cops (which would throw anyone, let alone someone in our kinds of sitch's), something triggered in your mind that H could have been with OW, H down played your feelings and you reacted. ALL completely normal. Now should you have reacted the way you did? Probably not. The anger towards him put him on the defensive.

And maybe everything he was telling you of the event is true. But at this point you don't trust him. You would be a fool to trust him right now because he's proved himself untrustworthy. Can you get that trust back? Yes, through time and actions he can EARN that trust back.

It's like I tell my kids all the time. Trust is something that is constantly being built, but one lie and a life time of trust can go out the window. And it takes a long time to build that trust back up.

And I would sit down with H and explain that to him. He's not going to like it because he doesn't like you not trusting him, but tough chit. I explained it to my W like this when she told me one time I should trust her because she's telling me the truth about there being no contact with OM for 6 months, "I want to believe you, but it's going to take me time to trust that. I can't automatically turn on the trust switch because you say 'now I'm telling the truth' when I heard so many lies for so long."

And ya know what? I've read on some other sites that blind trust is STUPID. And I have to agree. It's that blind trust that kept me from opening my eyes for a long time when I KNEW W's relationship with OM was inappropriate. If I'd have gone with my gut in the very beginning I could have busted the A very early on at a time when (I learned later) that she was telling OM she'd NEVER leave me and not when it'd progressed so far as her planning on D'ing me so she could marry OM.

I also think not blindly trusting your spouse helps you not take them for granted. It's weird, but for me, now that I KNOW what she's capable of, it keeps me more in tune and protective of our marriage. And that's a good thing.

Keep your chin up. These kinds of bumps in the road go with the territory. You'll get through them, but talk with your H without anger and he'll be much more receptive to hear what you have to say. A good tool some of the folks on DB share when you're feeling one of those triggers come on is say to H "When xx happens it makes me feel yy".

Hope this helps.