Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=S.T. _I Made It!]25, I would like to first say that you have valid points. however, what I am going to do is highlight some of your wording. remember, the people here are needing help, they are hurting, and they need support. I think it would help SO2 more if you left out the sarcasm/criticism. We want to help encourage her to do the right things not make her feel stupid.

and perhaps your writing in this manner because you are frustrated in your own sitch too. I know that everyone here can get easily frustrated, including myself, and we just want to help the other person understand.

[quote=25yearsmlc]S2,
Get your helmet on b/c you need a serious 2 x 4...


The helmet warning means that what is coming is going to be hard to hear but is intended to be helpful. (Not to mention the time put into it). But hey, S2 asked me to post on her thread to her, after seeing what I wrote elsewhere.

For the record, I didn't say she was a bad mother, I warned her about another bad mother I knew, and anytime loved ones reminded me to put my love for the kids ahead of my anger at h back then, or to put aside pride or vindictiveness, I took heed. Why wouldn't I? Most of us were/are in so much pain that it gets very easy to rationalize things that are not in the kids' best interests b/c they serve our needs. Been there, done that.
It helps to have a place where someone can give you feedback ahead of time that may or may not apply but that you can consider. And besides, most of my comments about child support being about the baby, are for her H to understand, b/c he think he's giving HER money and not the child.

But I get why you felt the need to post to me so don't think I'm freaked. But I have a reason and imho, here's the deal. Way way too much time is spent on some people's threads and not enough on others. THe understably time consuming ones are justifiably those who are in the throes of just finding out their M's are either over or seriously threatened. We've all been there (hence being on this site). I think it makes total sense to be as supportive and as encouraging as possible at that time even their WASs are jerks. Sometimes we're life savers, literally. Unless there's abuse, I always always want the LBSer to try some DB stuff for real, over time, to at least give it a shot before saying okay, now it's time to move on or try a diff 180, etc.

But In some cases, and I think S2 is a good example, too much time cycling through the same old is happening and then we enable it. She can't change him which WE know, but at some level by advising on how to handle this and that little thing, we are in effect trying to help her deal with him instead of facing her NEW LIFE, which is as a divorced woman. The M ended awhile ago.

I'm the one with 2 relatives who div and then remarried their x's years later. I KNOW IT HAPPENS...but I don't see it here in this situation at this time --or in the near future and if it were to ever happen, it'd be by taking the advice given here and not repeating the same behaviors that got her here in the first place.

And she's been stuck too long so yeah, I said, "get a helmet on" b/c that's a flag. It means, "hey, I've tried the supportive stuff and you've changed very little (or not at all) and you are still here" AND since she is divorced and he is not moving towards a reconciliation, it is time to snap out of this state...plus I have kids and this stuff damages them.

Give up ALL HOPE? I am not saying that, b/c who am I to predict the future and play God?

My relatives who remarried did NOT expect that when they divorced. One couple took 8 years to get SOBER and recover and then remarry, while the other, who did not have a drinking problem, took 5 years to do so. ALL Four people in those two m's, moved on independent of each other and improved as individuals which is probably why their 2nd m's were so much better.

So if there were a chance for it, I"d still say that chance lies in her getting a whole lot stronger. He treats her with disrespect. To me, that's clear. So why shouldn't she GAL and move on and let him try to catch up with her when HE is strong enough to be the man she wants and deserves?That's the point of the post with 2 x 4's & I didn't invent them. However, I got some when I started here 3-4 years ago.

No, I am not frustrated in my own sitch nor did that have anything to do with my post to her. (I'm pretty fine with my sitch and think I got a lot of help from the big guy upstairs, and some friends here too.)

My sarcasm is aimed at her Xh and her situation, not her. Embellishing and exaggeraging and using analogies often helps make a point and sometimes it gets thru to WAS's too. I think His behavior is outrageous and so are the texts. I stand by that assertion. She is NOT married to the man and he cusses at her when she "fails" to answer HIS calls/texts within 10 min....
Inexcusable. Yes there are so many fine lines in many situations, it's true. B But that is NOT a fine line he has crossed. It's a big bright one. Same goes for him not paying child support, and asking her to lend HIM Money and have him paying all these other payees off before he pays S2 is a pattern. Why? Why would he pay her last, after the other xw who has a working spouse? That tells me something.

AT some point, we all have to learn to lift our self esteems ourselves. There isn't anyone else appointed to take charge of our happiness. We have to do it.

I learned that with the help of a great T, and some good DB coaching, and a lot of reading and trying new behaviors. Over time, I changed. And when I see someone else spinning their wheels the way I did, and damaging themselves, their lives and sometimes worsening their M problems, THAT is frustrating b/c I've been there, done that.

I doubt that my post ruined her self esteem. But I will say that when my older sister gave me a 2 x 4 at one point, it did hurt. But only for a minute or two, b/c then I took her point. She was right, and that made me mad. I was spinning in a negative vortex and repeating myself to anyone who'd listen, being a major league victim and felt very wronged. I would list the grievances and wrongs H had done or the many sacrifices I had made and I had a good score card going...but it was consuming me. My identity was becoming "25, the woman who's h is maybe leaving she is sad/mad and RIGHT, and he is wrong and he did this to her and that to her and she's a victim and...and blah blah blah" But that is NOT ME! Yet it was becoming all I was about.

My sister's words stung b/c they were true. So I started to sort of "snap myself out of it" b/c the person she said I was becoming, was SO UNattractive to me, so NOT who I ever want to be like, that I DID Change after the 2 x 4 from my wonderful older sister. IF it weren't for her and a few others like her, 1) I'd still be angry and that anger would have consumed my life, 2) my m would be over, and 3) my life would not be half of what it is today.

I pretty much stand by the post. But I'd never give one like that to a newbie or someone reeling from new pain. S2, you asked me for feedback and you are free to ignore it or tell me not to post to you anymore. But I think you have a pattern here but I'm not a t. You are stuck. Only you can unglue yourself, step and see the big picture here.

I just know we each have to find that spark inside ourselves, that makes us say, "I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and I'm not going to feel this way anymore and I will do anything I have to do, to feel better about my life, and myself, starting NOW!"...

My post was aimed at lighting that spark. Whatever works, listen to it. What doesn't--toss out. For me, it was the 2 x 4 from my older sister telling me I sounded like "JS" and that image, the "JS" woman she was referring to, was so pathetic and NOT who I ever want to sound or be like, got me moving.

Good luck S2, decide you'll have a good Christmas and then do so.
Don't ever put your holiday or the holidays of your children in the hands of others again. I grew up with an alcoholic father who ruined many Christmases when I was a child, and so, I say "no thanks" to craziness on the holidays of all days...and you know, my family today has never had a scene on Christmas. I'm grateful my kids don't have those types of memories. See? Cycle broken...

j-