Have you threatened D in the past? Do you really mean it now or is it an idle threat? Your W may not be getting it yet. She may not get it until you mean it. And, you may be too shut down then to leave the door open. But, try to leave the door open if you leave. She might just come around.
If you are not quite ready to walk out the door, email her honestly about your pain. Use "I" statements. Don't try to save face or protect her. Be honest and vulnerable and more direct than you have ever been. Acknowledge your failings. Tell her what you would like in an M -- a vibrant, passionate, partnership that is good for both of you. Take the risk, what is there to lose?
Also, I'd recommend two books right away:
5 Love Languages: I think every new couple should have this book, it is an easy read, a bit too religious for my taste, but the lessons are invaluable. If you are serious about giving your M a chance, take the time to speak your W's LL for awhile. She says that you aren't the man she married. She might feel that way precisely because you stopped speaking her LL. Read the book and this will make sense.
Passionate Marriage: a difficult read about how to stop living in a sexless M that doesn't work for you, not a 10 tips for hot sex book, but very powerful stuff for your life, whether you wind up with W or not
Counseling will only help when you are both invested in saving the marriage. She is not. So drop it for now.
Focus on yourself. What can you do right now, today, to make your day better. What can you do better in the M? What have you done wrong? Who would you want to be in your ideal relationship? Be that man now. Right now. You have the power to be who you want to be. So, work on being that person. It is the best chance for your marriage, and the best chance for a great life no matter how things end up.
Now, a word of warning. I hope it doesn't happen, but most people who post here are in a hugs amount of pain because their spouses left them. They sometimes lash out at people who are thinking of leaving. Don't take it personally, they are just in extreme pain. It is clear that you are a loving person who has been banging his head against the wall trying to improve your M. It doesn't make you a bad guy that you are considering D. So, anyway, if they lash out, try to see their pain with compassion rather than seeing a personal attack. There are people here who can help you.
It is worth trying some things before the big bomb. After a big bomb it is worth trying to keep an open mind. Your kids lives can be good in the future, they can be healthy flourishing adults, but something of incommensurable value is lost when you divide your family.
And, whatever your issues are with W, trust me, you will have to work them out with someone, somehow. An MC told me this, and it proved to be remarkably true.
You are a good man. I know you likely feel urgency to get to a better life. But a few months now doesn't mean much in the big scheme of things. Don't rush. Be open. Start with a Beginner's Mind.
