Where in the world did that come from !!!

[blownaway65]

Man how can 2 people be so dumb ??? In between bouts of "OK sh!t happens, deal with it" and uncontrollable sobbing, I actually get a little bit of time to laugh at what we're doing to each other and our family.

We've classically fallen into the Divorce Trap. Each action/reaction drives the next - and have been doing the same thing for years.

I know one of us has to stop the spiral, and it will be me.

I'm not a religious person my any means but I do hope that 'something' can give me the strength to stay the course.

[bluerain]

Because people are emotional, reactive creatures! Thats exactly why they are so dumb. We spiral between anger, sadness, and panic. And the choices that we make while experiencing those emotions are rarely good ones.

Its important that you can recognize these patterns of behavior. Knowing when you are "Replaying old tapes" of how the two of you interact is important. You know exactly how the fights that wont lead you anywhere develop. Dont let them happen, engaging her in an arguement is just a waste of your time, energy and emotion.

Someone said something on another thread recently, Im not sure that I totally agree with it, but it does strike a certain chord within me. So here- Are you willing to spend a year in limbo (working on yourself- that parts mine) to make it to your 50th wedding anniversary?

[blownaway65]

I'll answer that with something I read in a thread today about being willing to walk thru Hell for my W. She's 41 and I'm 44, we've been together for over half our lives.

This isn't about just me & W & our R though, it's about my family. Yes I would walk thru Hell for Ange if it would help get my family back together.

So bluerain, I guess a year in limbo is a small price to pay for what I know my family needs.

[blownaway65]

Actually I would walk thru Hell for Ange even if it didn't help anyone but her.

[sandi2]

Please don't ask how I know, just accept that my job is as a Computer Network Security Officer (and I know it's not the honorable thing to do, but I just had to know if there was an A going on Emotional or Physical). I figure if there is OM involved as opposed to "I just don't want you" then it's a whole different ballgame.

So no, she has stopped talking to the FB friends.

Don't feel guilty about checking that out b/c you needed to know and there would be some others to come and ask you what measures you had taken to see if she was contacting anyone.

Have you read Michelle's article on the home page about the sympton of a WAW?

[blownaway65]

Thanks Sandi, I did feel a bit of a bastard checking up on her like that, but as I said, I just needed to know.

Yeah I've read the WAW symptoms page, us to a tee. I know I can't show her that though, Wish she could see it though and maybe get a spark of recognition that it doesn't have to be the end of our R.

[sandi2]

Well, don't give up. I was pretty messed up but I got turned around. You'll start getting more responses from the board. Most people are beginning to get into all the holiday stuff, but just don't give up coming to the board. It really is a great source of support.

[blownaway65]

Thanks Sandi, I won't give up and I'll stick round here for as long as it takes, or maybe longer!

[blownaway65]

OK, XMas !!

As you will know, my 3 kids S21, D17 & S15 are less than enthused with the way W has broken up our family and are really pissed with her. They are all at home with me while W is living with BIL about 500 yards away. The have seen her maybe a couple of hours once a fortnight or so for last 5 months.

Since W left I had made plans to go to my folks from XMas to New Year, then last week W says "I want the kids for XMas". I told her that since she left we we had made alternate plans. We sort of left it unresolved, but I said I wasn't going to wake up alone on XMas morning.

Kids and I discussed & they are happy enough to see W XMas Eve and then me pick them up and go to folks place 8:30ish 24th, and I'm happy enough with that too (it's just too cruel and I can't bring myself to do it). W doesn't know that we are all happy for this to happen.

Since we started MC, and W then stopped going I've been going by myself and getting lots out of it I might say and W has said that she thinks it's a good idea for me to go.

Question: Can I use the fact that I'm doing counselling to be in a position to say "As a positive result from MC I've 'softened' and am willing to compromise on what you want, or do I not want to seem to be seen as backing down all the time.

[bluerain]

Showing her the changes that you have made will be much more effective than telling her. You can show that you have "softened" to her when she describes something from work and you say "I can see how that might have been frustrating" Validating is a good way to show your willingness to compromise.

And I think that you should stop letting her know everything about what you are doing to help the marriage. Change your attitude, change your behavior, and let her witness it.