WAW in affair. Help!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ahhhh, the Approach of the Day!

You're dithering. And mind-reading. YOU HAVE NO IDEA what she's thinking; all you can control is yourself, and you are dithering.

But then again, I've said that already.

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

By now, W and OM are thinking, “Whew! Norm hasn’t seen the phone bills. He’s still clueless. But we need to be more careful

the only time that phrase comes up is when her period shows up a week late.

regarding the rest of your thread norm, STOP! writing these little scenerios in your head, its not healthy nor how it is going to go down. Write a script called, 'Norm's having the time of his life!' then go out and live it.

[Norm914]

FYI, I also held off exposing my W to OMW for roughly the same reasons you posted, so I kinda understand. It would have caused immense trauma to her personally and in the workplace. My sitch improved, but this point was a "neutral" one, I wouldn't say the non-exposure to OMW helped or obstructed the recovery process. But a big point is that, as long as it took, the fog did lift for my W. I cannot honestly tell you I would not have gone full blown into full exposure otherwise. But the wrong reaction by OMW at the wrong time would have hurt us on a few levels.

Sure, your W has to be responsible for what she is doing and its consequences. There's a line separating that from doing what's best to try and save the M if you that's the stand you are taking.

Got you, Deep. I understand that in threatening the A to mass exposure I’m also considering my own bluff; Am I really ready to do that kind of damage and risk lessening the chance of restoring my marriage? Hard decision to make.

Thanks for helping me think.

[Norm914]

Ahhhh, the Approach of the Day!

You're dithering. And mind-reading. YOU HAVE NO IDEA what she's thinking; all you can control is yourself, and you are dithering.

But then again, I've said that already.

Puppy

Okay, Puppy. I can take a 2X4. That’s why I’m here. You’re right. I am dithering. On one hand, that’s because I bothered to research this and get help from this site and others. I know there are right and wrong choices in this sitch that will either help it or hurt it. On the other hand, I know I need to have a plan and follow it. Every sitch is different, and it’s hard to know what to do. What I do next could either cause the A to die and move us toward the restoration of our marriage, or ruin everything. It’s a bitch of a choice to make.

Maybe I should just let it go until at least sometime after Christmas and follow Steve’s advice:

regarding the rest of your thread norm, STOP! writing these little scenerios in your head, its not healthy nor how it is going to go down. Write a script called, 'Norm's having the time of his life!' then go out and live it.

[pearlharbr]

Norm, FWIW, I don't think you'll be able to get it out of your mind until you do something. And what they say about a woman not being able to love a man she doesn't respect is true.

I think you should lay out your boundaries about not sharing your wife with another man, either with or without telling OMW (I do vote for telling her), and then go dark and focus on GAL and working on yourself.

The new year is just around the corner. Make a resolution now to have a fun-filled holiday season. Start doing things you never would have tried before. Get out and make some new friends.

[chatterbug]

Ahhhh, the Approach of the Day!

You're dithering. And mind-reading. YOU HAVE NO IDEA what she's thinking; all you can control is yourself, and you are dithering.

But then again, I've said that already.

Puppy

Ditto.

[Norm914]

Made a decision today. It’s best to work in terms of short-term goals so my first goal is to detach and get on with my life. I’m giving myself three weeks to work on this facet alone. Stop obsessing about the A and have a good holiday with my family. I can’t deal with the A until my head is in a good place, and I shouldn’t try. I’ll only screw things up.

Downloaded an e-book this evening called “Break Free From the Affair” by Bob Huizenga. Calls himself the “Infidelity Coach”. (Probably been mentioned on this board before.) You can view a bunch of short vids on YouTube by searching “bxterl27”. Feel free to copy this on other threads. If you’re the victim of an A, the vids alone will make you feel better.

Although I’m just a third of the way through the book, I love this guy’s approach to confrontation! Sorry Puppy, but I think this guy has one up on you.

Instead of the stern “I know what you’re doing and it has to stop” which really stops nothing, he advocates a different approach, “Gee, this must be hard for you, having to sneak around and wondering if OM’s wife is on to you. What a terrible way to live. I feel sorry for you.” It’s the ultimate 180! “I know and I don’t care.”

It completely takes the piss out of any defense: “We’re not having an affair! What proof do you have?!”

“Yeah, whatever. I don’t care.” (But you know I know.)

So, for the next few weeks I’m going to focus on ME and learn how to visualize my life as a single person – emotionally, financially, everything. If the M works out, great. But I’m not betting the farm on it. I will stop snooping and stop obsessing. When and if I confront, I’ll be in a much better place to do it.

[Norm914]

Okay, stupid post. I 2x4 myself. What can I say? I so screwed up.

[pearlharbr]

What's going on Norm? Do you want to talk about it?

[Norm914]

What's going on Norm? Do you want to talk about it?

I do now. I just needed to take some time off. I needed to stop obsessing. And, while wonderfully helpful, coming to this board and spending hours reading and posting was causing me to do exactly that. I couldn’t detach this way. Everyone has his/her own way to do that I guess. I had to get away for a while. Thanks to all who have posted and tried to help me and support me. I really do appreciate it.

I needed some time to get quiet. Some time to let God speak to me—away from all the frenzied reading and posting and trying to figure things out in all the confusion that comes with a WAW who is having and A. It is a world of confusion. God sent me teachers. I had to get quiet and listen to them.

I feel centered now. I have detached. I know who I am and where I’m going. I’m not confused any more. The hurt, as much as is possible, is gone. I feel strong mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. In the middle of this storm, I’ve never felt so strong in my life.

I have a very good friend who has lived with HIV for over 25 years (blood transfusion from a surgery before they screened blood). He once said to me, “God doesn’t deliver you from the storm. He delivers you in the storm.”

He was right.