Where in the world did that come from !!!

[blownaway65]

Hi Everyone, been looking round for a few days, and have finally decided that I could really use some advice.

So here's the situation: W and I have been M for 23 years, S for 5 months. W dropped bomb 16/7/09 (that's 16th July, I'm Australian) that she doesn't love me, and hasn't for a long time, wants out. She left 21/7.

She stayed with her brother for 5 weeks, during which time I really made a fool of myself, pleading, begging, telling her to come back - all the usual wrong stuff.

After 5 weeks I get a phone call, "Can we talk ?". So round I go not really knowing what to expect. "I can't do this without the kids" she tells me (kids are D17, S15 & S21 who is away from home).

So I ask her if she wants to come back and try our R for the sake of the kids. She says Yes so moves back in.

She stayed for 2 1/2 months, but during that whole time it was like living with a complete stranger. She went out of her way to avoid me, even staying at work long after she knocked off because she said it made her feel "sick in the stomach" to come home to me. She never made any attempt to reconcile with the kids either, who I should say are really pissed off with her and the way she was acting.

During the time she was back I was doing everything round the house and I mean everything. It was like she was a guest here.

Anyway, it came to something as simple as who was going to drive D to a friends house. I suggested that maybe we could go together. "I can't live like this !!" was her answer then straight into her bedroom to start packing and off she went again.

It's been 6 weeks since then. I've had minimal contact with her except to arrange for Child Support and for her to drop the occasional item off for the kids.

I really don't think that she has started a PA, but she has told me that she has had plenty of offers (which would be true, she is gorgeous, but it may just be to goad me), but I know that she had an EA before she left with a Facebook friend since May, and another during the time she was back at home. Not too concerned about these as those people are in England & Belgium, although they were talking about our R. She found out I knew just before English guy sent his phone number to her. I confronted her about it and she admitted it and said it would stop. She did drop him off friends for a while, but then added him back once she left again.

Bottom line is she makes only barely enough to survive from her job and has to give me Child Support as well, the kids are pissed at her, I'm going backwards financially even with Child Support cos it's bugger all, oh yeah there's one more thing as well.

We built our own house, absolutely beautiful, Mudbrick. Made everything ourselves - Doors, Windows, Furniture you name it. A real labour of love - took over 10 years. Trouble is if it has to be sold with property settlement we have to get what they call Warranty Insurance because we are owner builders. And the thing with that is once you say the magic word "Mudbrick" to an Insurance Company they politely hang up. All my advice is that the house we poured so much love into together is worth nothing because no-one will buy it without the insurance that I can't get. Have told W that the house is worth only the value of the land, which is almost exactly what we owe on mortgage. I didn't expect that would have her racing back into my arms, but was a little surprised at how calmly she took the news.

I have ordered DR and it should be here early in new year. Last couple of weks I've been trying to keep a low profile but I'm really struggling. This whole thing was really out of the blue.


Would really appreciate some thoughts about what I should be doing and maybe some insight into what's going on in her head.

[bluerain]

Hi Blownaway. Dont panic. Do you have to sell the house? Can/would she agree to walk away?

I also think that its a mistake for you to be unconcerned about the FB EAs. Women want to be swooned, and a man can do that from a computer pretty effectively.

Its not your problem that she will be broke when she has to pay child support, this is her choice.

Read up on validating and on boundaries. Validating means that you are recognizing and showing her that her feelings are valuable. You dont have to agree with her, you just have to let her know that you seriously are listening and knowing what shes saying. Dont argue with her, dont try to defend yourself, just listen- practice the phrases "I understand" and "Im sorry that you feel that way".

In the beginning of your sitch, she followed the walk-away-wife script and you followed the left-behind-spouse script. They all say and do the same things, and we pretty much react the same way. Look around at some other threads, and comment in some other places to increase traffic on your thread.

Dont be surprised if she starts to get really nasty, remember you cant control her actions, but you can control your actions. Always do things that you can be proud of.

Its late tonight, but you will get some great advice here, some of it will not make sense, might even seem counterintuitive, but this works. If what your doing hasnt been working, isnt it time to try something else?

[blownaway65]

Thanks for the quick reply bluerain.

Regarding the house, what I'm pretty much saying is that I can't sell the house even if I wanted to because of the insurance, and I don't want to anyway. I could buy her out, but then I'd be stuck with something I couldn't sell. I guess what it means is that it isn't worth anything to anyone else except me and/or W. We really did put so much time, effort & love into it that I couldn't rip her off either, even after the bombshell & 5 months of living hell.

As for getting nasty, she hasn't really been that way, in public at least. Her, me & 2 younger kids play tennis in same team on Saturdays and she turns up swanning around as if everything is normal. Don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but the kids and I have stopped playing last few weeks and we won't be back till mid January. It was just too hard for me to be around her acting as if nothing was wrong.

I really like the Do things you can be proud of, and I'll make sure I try and do just that.

Can't wait for the DR book to turn up, have been watching Michele's UTube video's today and they have helped a lot.

[bluerain]

Do you think that she respects you? Have you thought of any 180's that you could do? That means you behave in a way that is totally opposite than usual. So if you usually engage her in arguements, stop. Instead, validate and let her let her steam out. If she has complained about you being a bump on a log, get out and start doing some exciting things.

You also need to start GALing or Getting a Life. Get in shape, get a nice haircut, when you see her look good, smell good and have a great attitude.

[blownaway65]

Probably respects me less than when she first left because of all the pleading, crying etc. At the end of the day though, I'm the one whose raising our kids on my own and I think she respects that.

Not sure what there is to 180 on, we probably see each other for 5-10 minutes a week atm. I have stopped arguing with her though, and the pleading etc. She knows I've been seeing a psychologist in last 2 weeks and told me she thought that was a good idea.

Just so hard though, we live in a town of 630 people and everyone in town knows what's going on. Tonight for instance, I'm taking the kids to Carols by Candlelight and I know she will be there and the whole town will be watching us!!!

[bluerain]

So tonight look great. Flash your brilliant smile a lot, and dont be too focused on her. Dont focus on her at all, you need to become the Walk away spouse. When people are able to do this, it has some pretty dramatic results.

Are there any 180's that you personally would like to do? Quit smoking, spend more time with the kids, or take them camping, or get better at paying the bills. Is there anything that you wish that you could change to make yourself a better person?

Once you get to a place where you really are healed enough, and strong enough to be ok no matter what she does, it might turn her head. And if not, well, you have come out of it all in pretty good shape!

[sandi2]

Hi, glad you decided to join our community here. Hope you will read a lot of the posts that Michelle has written here on the forums. There are a lot of articles on the home page here that are helpful, also. Read other people's stories and reach out to them on their threads and it will help to build your support group. Try to stay in one place so we can find you and keep up with your story.

Do you think you have changed much since you M? Can you think of ways that you might improve yourself as an individual?

Is your W living under the same roof as you, now? If so, are the two of you sleeping together?

You might look under the 180's thread and read there for help.

Come back as often as you can b/c that is what it takes.

[blownaway65]

I guess that's not really what I wanted to hear bluerain, but I guess it's something I have to Man up to, the fact that whatever I do it might not turn her head. I know life will go for both of us on no matter what, but the plain fact is I want our lives to go on together more than anything.

Sandi, no we're no under the same roof and haven't shared a bed for 6 months.

It is ironic though, that she dropped the bomb as we were about to start ML.

I guess I'm like most people out there, W never said anything was wrong or missing, so I, being the dumb bloke that I am, assumed all was OK

We went to a MC 3 weeks ago, W finally agreed because I guess I nagged her into it. She said up front to me that she would go but just to say "It's Over" to the MC. I told her that that's fine, we should not go there and lie to each other or MC. That's exactly what she did after we went thru the obligatory "what was your parent's marriage like" etc. MC promptly asked me if I thought we should switch to Separation Counselling rather than MC. Kind of really took me by surprise and disappointed me to say the least.

Next session (and remember we're from a small town) could only get into at 1:30pm. Told W 3 days before when it was on and that I hoped she could make it. She texted on morning to say that "I won't b there today". Maybe she was too busy at work (I know they are flat out all the time), but I went by myself anyway and it was a good session.

[bluerain]

I think that people can gain things from MC, even if there is only one person going.

People say let go and let god. Meaning let go of trying to control how this is going to go. Focus on becoming a better man and father. Being a better husband will follow. Remember that you are only in control of your actions and reactions, and make sure that they are always honorable actions.

Are you sure that there is not an OM? Is she still talking to the guy from England? She can get a lot of her emotional needs met by someone who isnt there in person.

[blownaway65]

She has no Internet at her brother's and very limited at work, I know that she has just "shut down" the whole Internet/FB thing since she left again 6 weeks ago.

Please don't ask how I know, just accept that my job is as a Computer Network Security Officer (and I know it's not the honorable thing to do, but I just had to know if there was an A going on Emotional or Physical). I figure if there is OM involved as opposed to "I just don't want you" then it's a whole different ballgame.

So no, she has stopped talking to the FB friends.