Lissie - my Jersey Girl. How are you?? Great to hear from you. Snodderly - my friend. You were the very first one to respond to my posts five years ago. You have no idea how much you held my hand and how much you give back. Thank you so very much.
To the newbies that posted me - THANK YOU! Hang in there. It gets easier. As Snodderly expressed, it was not a cake walk and I had my days. It takes determination to move forward and I still work on it each and every day.
Forward - you asked for some tips. The best I can do is to guide you to my blog. If you google divorcesolutionsforyou you will see it. It has is a wordpress blog. If you need the direct link, I will send it to you. I don't think we are allowed to post websites on this board.
My advice to you would be to make a happy list. That is what I tell my clients when they first come to see me. Most of the time, they have no freakin' idea as to what makes them happy since there life is such a mess.
To get the ball rolling, we go down memory lane a bit. I have them make a list of things they used to like to do prior to the crisis or even their marriage. Eventually, I start to see smiles and wistful glances as to how life used to be for them. When they start to remember that they used to like to paint, for example, I may suggest then enrolling in an art class again. You get my drift.
As much as MLC is about our crazy soon to be or ex spouses, it really is more about you. It's about how you are going to get through this transition and where you want to go. Most of the time, we live our life in a very reactionary state. Reaction to the craziness around us instead of planning what we want to do. One thing I did even throughout my separation, I had a goal sheet by my bed. I made a list of goals I wanted to accomplish - whether it was getting the house in the settlement or simply cleaning out a closet, I wrote it down. By writing it down and envisioning what you want, creates a better template for achieving it. You can read about all these success principles when you google "laws of attraction." It may sound hokey, but it has alot of logic to it. You are what you think.
I read books like "The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield, watched the movie "The Secret", broke open and reread feel good books such as Tuesdays with Morrie and bought new ones like "Randy Pausch's Last Lecture. Basically, I submerged myself in getting down to the root of the matter and building myself up again. I didn't read many "self-help" books but I did want to understand why I married who I married. (a total narcissist) and I did and still go to see a therapist to work on skeletons from my past.
However, I did focus much of my transition on where I want to go from here. I knew I wanted to stay in my home and fought like hell to keep it despite all odds, finish grad school so I could have a more flexible schedule as a teacher so I could be home for my kids and last but not least, I knew I wanted to have a loving relationship. Not crazy, earth-shattering goals, but ones that I meant a lot to me.
Having a list of goals kept my head afloat and a home for my anxiety. When my ex would make my head spin with some crazy antics, I would shift gears and get on track with my goals. (one of blogs is called "Shifting Gears." It takes time to do that and there certainly are stages to this transition process. The key is to be kind to yourself as you go through these stages. They are similar to that of MLC, too, ironically.
To answer your questions as to how I can tell my ex is coming out of MLC - well, he seems more like the man I married. I realize now that his MLC started at least four years prior to when he left so that makes it going on nine years. I know that seems like a looong time to go through MLC but that is how long it took him. He took peeks out of the tunnel here and there over the course of the last 2 years but I think he is done with MLC. His eyes look softer and he looks at me differently. I am grateful that the anger is gone but our foundation was not solid prior to MLC so we never would have made it, though some do.
As a matter of fact, some of you may remember SA3 (SA4). Well, she and her hubby have reconciled after a 7 year separation! She is one of my best friends and we held each other hands through our journeys. Although the end results were different, we are grateful for what we have learned. Her hubby really is a good guy,too, despite all that she went through. I am so proud of her to have watched her grow - she moved on her own, got a great job at a law firm and is doing stuff in the athletic field, as well. She is a go getter that got back on the saddle with or without hubby and went for it. The good news is that her hubby woke up before it was too late.
I will do the best I can to come on the boards to check in on all of you. But please, by all means, email me your questions, go on my blog, there is a link to my website, and use what I learned as guidance for your journey, too.
Have a great day, all. It's a blizzard here in NJ and I have an appt with a Christmas DVD now and cozy seat by the fire.
It takes time to do that and there certainly are stages to this transition process. The key is to be kind to yourself as you go through these stages. They are similar to that of MLC, too, ironically.