Magnificent

[mishka422]

CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!

I swear, if I don't end up locking myself in my house and avoiding everyone it will be a miracle.

I took Marc to a friend's house tonight and it's down the same street that another house used to have an incredible Christmas display. After I dropped Marc I went to see if they had it up again this year (it had been two years since I saw it last). They didn't. Not a big deal, right? WRONG! It was like a ton of bricks fell on my head. Why? I realized it was because the last time I saw it I was in the car with Gabe, it was a week after he had dropped the bomb on me but before I found out about the broom. I remember sitting in the car watching the beautiful light display and crying as quietly as I could so he wouldn't get mad at me. I was heartbroken sitting there because all I could think was how there would never be a happy Christmas again. It would be a sad, lonely time of year from now on even though I have Marc to spend it with. It's just not the same.

Tonight I cried again, but I couldn't figure out exactly why. The more I reflect, the more I think it was just residual sadness and the memories of the past that hit me. How ugly it was. I drove home slowly, trying to calm my nerves. I'm still pretty upset but calming down. Typing this is helping a lot too.

I do have to day that this outlet has been one of the best things that I've ever experienced. It keeps me from losing it in RL. I can hide the sadness and fake my way through without anyone knowing the inner turmoil thanks to this community.

Thanks!