New and confused, advice welcome

[sandi2]

First of all, try not to show panic b/c that is telling her that you are "needy" and it causes you to be unattractive in how you act around her. Remember that a divorce does not happen in a day or two. Try to do things for yourself that will bring a calmness to your body/mind. The majority of people supports going to gyms or some other workout sessions b/c of the benefits you receive, so I hope you will do something to help yourself.

You are doing the right thing by not moving out of the home....and don't let her talk you into leaving. Don't leave your marital bed. If she has a problem, then she'll have to find another place to sleep, but you stay in your bed.

The next thing I would suggest is that you focus on yourself and how you can change things about yourself....and for your sake....not just in order to please your W. The more your focus is on her, the more desparate you will act and you will not be the man she fell in love with and M 20 years ago. That is the one of the goals you need to make for yourself. Try to become the man you once were. It is hard, but we have many men here on the board who discovered that in busting a D, they found themselves after many years. We are here to encourage you and support you not only in getting through this tough time, but to help you become the best man you can be.

I would suggest that you not mention this web site to your W b/c it is really designed for the S who is trying to bust the D and not so much as a "couple's board", if you know what I'm trying to say. Just like the DR book, this board will be your "toolbox" or like a gameplan for you.....not your W. You would not expose your game plan to the opposing team, right?

On the home page of this site are many, many articles you can read by Michelle and on these formus are many chapters of her books, CD's, etc. Several of the DB Coaches have threads here......and at the very bottom of the forum list are the KLA posts, and they are very helpful. Looke for any threads by Michelle and read those. While you are waiting for your book, go to other places here on the board and read people's stories. You can reach out to them and it will help to build up your support group. You don't have to just limit it to the Newcomers section, but it helps to keep your thread in one section so it isn't too confusing to us. Many of us bounce around the board reading posts all over....so we'll find you.

It is rare to find a WAW here on the board b/c most people are the LBS. There are a few of us, however, and I think we all do whatever we can to help the LBH's understand what his W is going through or how she thinks.....as best we can.

The first thing you need to do is to back away from your W where the MR is concerned. Everything will feel like pressure to her and the more pressure she feels....the more she will want to run. She is feeling all types of confusion right now and at times it can be very scarey, so it will be best to not discuss the R at all. If she tries to bring it up....stop her and say, "Let's not discuss it right now. We'll talk after the holidays." Something that will postpone that talk.....or else tell her you don't wish to talk about it right now. Later, after a lot of time has passed....if she brings the R up, then you will feel stronger and be able to handle things better, but now, you want to stay away from any discussion of the R, whatsoever.

The next thing I would suggest is that your W go to see a specialist in hormone replacement therapy. As we females get older, our bodies stop producing those natural things that causes us to be interested in sex b/c we don't feel "desire". This happens to young women a lot, too, so it doesn't just happen later in life. The thing is, she won't know for sure unless she goes to a doctor that will do that kind of testing to see what her body is doing. I went for years that I had not desire whatsoever, and I felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown. When I finally had a doctor to test me, he said my sex hormones were zero and I was a trainwreck. Don't mention that she may be facing menopause or anything like that, b/c some women don't react too kindly to that, but if you chose your timing well and suggest that she have a complete hormone check to see, then at least she would know if it was "physical" or not. If she is sincere about worrying why she does not feel "attraction" for you, then she should agree to do this. If she doesn't cooperate, then I would think she is emotionally involved with another man.

That is not anything a H wants to think about, but the truth is, it often leads to an EA (emotional affair). I had an EA and I assure you that I was the last person anyone would dream of doing that. There is so much going on that affects a woman's thoughts and emotions.....and finally, she is acting out of pure emotions and nothing else. That is why that you cannot think of her being the same girl she was when you M her. We'll get back to that another time. Just keep that tucked in the back of your mind.

The fact that the two of you seldom have time together, is a huge factor in the breakdown of the intimacy....I believe. She is busy working....and so are you. She is probably meeting attractive, exciting people.....and so are you. When a man's physical needs are not being met....he becomes vulnerable to OW. When a woman's emotional needs are not being met, she becomes vulnerable to OM. If some OM is pretending to be a close "friend" to your W and listen to her talk about her feelings.....she is at risk. It would be the same as if some half dressed sexy woman went and sat in your lap and started kissing a man who had not had sex in a DECADE.

So, if you suspect that your W may be involved with some special friend, then you have more than one problem on your hands. There are several signs that suggest an EA, but we can discuss that in another post....if you wonder about it.

In the meantime, resist from telling your W, "I love you". It is a form of pursuing and it puts pressure on her to say it back to you.......and she will resent you for saying it. My H would do that, and I knew he was saying it just to force me to say it back, and I almost felt hatred rise up in me.

Pull back from making contacts throughout the day with your W. No phone call, TM, VM, emails, etc. Unless is is strickly business or necessary.....don't contact her. That relieve pressure from her and it makes you appear....unavailable. She feels that you are smothering her, so you want to be unavailable. Don't follow her around the house, or ask a lot of questions about her day. Wait for her to tell you. Wait for her to contact you, and then you be sure you break the conversation first and say good-bye. It's almost like being single and playing "hard to get". But it works.

Act as if you have had an awakening in life and now you love doing everying. You act "as if" you are having a good time.....even if you really aren't. In other words, you show a positive attitude regardless of how you feel. You put that smile on your face and have fun. Know why? B/c people enjoy being around those who have fun. They enjoy being around positive, life-loving people. Just don't "over-kill" on whatever you do b/c she will see through it and call you a "fake". Stay balanced.

Don't try to do romantic things right now. Don't send flowers or have intimate dinner dates b/c the timing is not right. The thing that will cause her to want to draw closer to you.....is for you to pull back. Crazy, huh? But, it is human nature. It has been proven to work time after time. I believe the only times that we did not see a sucess story result from detaching, was b/c the S had waited too late before applying DB principles. So, I hope you will trust us and don't be afrraid to do what is suggested.

As for what books she can read.....there are so man out there, I would hardly know where to begin. Michelle does have one on the Sex Straved Marriage. That may help both of you, but as for her reading the DR book, I would strongly discourage that. In fact, don't leave it where she would find it. If she sees you reading any M material, she may resent it. I know, it sounds crazy, and you would think she would appreciate you being concerned, but if she is a WAW, and it sounds like she is....then her thoughts have changed. You will need to deal with her completely different than you have in the past.

Whether she is in MLC, I don't know. The symptoms of the WAW and MLC is so similar. The thing is for you not to try to figure out which is which....b/c for sure...she is a WAW. If she is in MLC....then it will last a lot longer. IMHO, that is the biggest difference. Dressing younger, acting like a teenager, changing her looks, going out all hours of the night wih friends.......sounds like MLC...but WAW's can do the same thing. Don't stress about if she's MLC right now. We'll take a step at a time, okay?

How has your W been about showing you respect? Do you feel that she may act as if she doesn't respect you as much as she did years ago? This is important to know, and that is why I'm asking.

There is so much to say, and I can't get it all in one post. I will be talking to you often. Please come back and post as much as you can. Holiday time will slow the board down some, so don't get discouraged by that.

Try to do your best to get through the holidays without any fights and stay calm. Get plenty of sleep and if you need to get meds to help...do whatever to stay well. That is most important. You can't think properly if you don't sleep and eat right. Are you having problems with depression? Don't let it go too long before seeing a doctor, if you are.

I'll talk to you later.

Sandi