Have\ing a better day today! stayed home all day cleaning and reading. Caught some of a local college ball game.... had to leave the game thou, W was on TV with OM....
Would that just be my luck... camera would just focus right in on them for all to see... oh well, just a stepping stone.
Anywho, I hope all is well with everyone else.... I will check around the board.
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Wow......thank God! I mean that sincerly. My heart is beating in my tummy (as the kids say).
I don't know that I can express my feelings over all that you said. You don't know what a risk I felt I was taking by saying what I did concerning you and raising your son. That is a very private and personal thing with people...and we can get very defensive where our children are concerned. I only hoped & prayed that you would see exactly what you did. I only threw it out there..........you were the one that "caught" it. That means that you are a remarkable man with so much hope in his future. I am very excited about all that you have done.
Do you realize just how much you have accomplished? I doubt my fingers could hold out to type it all..... I expected her to be mad if you gave her boundaries, but the fact that she said all of those positive things after she calmed down?........that is fantastic! Now after saying that, I will also say that part of the battle has just begun, but there is so much hope now. Yes, she liked what she saw standing in front of her there in that freezing rain! (Hope you don't get the flu after that.) She saw the man she fell in love with and married. She likes that man. Most of all, she respects that man. She even backed up and admitted that she knew she really did love you! Wow! That is so exciting!
I won't go over everything that was said, but all of it was great and to think she would suggest she go back to the pro-M C is so wonderful. It is almost more than I could have hoped for....but it goes to prove that respect affects the W's attraction and love for her H, and she was obviously affected by you taking a stand. Great job!
So, the next time you turned around you see them on TV. What a blow! Just like the devil to do something after we have experience victory, isn't it? Well, the power in you is greater than that in the world, and you just keep claiming that promise.
You do not have to file for D. You have her thinking about all of this. She sees you are not going to take this behavior from her and do nothing. If she asks "when" you plan to file or if you have contacted your lawyer, you can tell her that you have not filed as of right now. If she asks when, etc., just tell her that she will be the second one to know (right after your lawyer). I know that it may sound like "games" to some people, but staying vague and somewhat mysterious at this point is important. You don't want to show her all your cards. I'm not suggeting you ever lie, but don't tell everything b/c she may use it against you. You told her you had a lot of healing to do......so you don't have to hurry about anything.
You asked about the next step. You stick to your guns about what you told her when you were standing in that rain. Don't back down.....except maybe about filing for a D. She will probably test you. She'll go home and start thinking about it, plus she's been with OM again, so that will influence her thinking. Expect a big backslide in her. But, continue to stand firm regardless of what she does or says.
Be prepared. Just like a Boy Scout! Think ahead of any given circumstance/situation and what she may do/say.....and be ready for an answer. If you want advice about how to say something, come to the board and I bet some of these men will have a good answer. If I have to......I'll round some of them up to help. There are some that are ver clever in how to word some things.
I hope you will find ways to stay with friends/family throughout the holidays. Do what you can to fight the depression when it tries to strick......and don't be too on yourself when it does. It's normal, but you need to fight it.
Be making plans so that you are not alone on New Year's Eve, okay? I think that is important for you.
I think it will be important that you pull back from your W b/c as I said....she will be watching to see how serious you are about what you said. So.....don't contact her and show that you are thinking about her. She needs to see that you are not available to her. She needs to know that you are filling your life with other things....and other people, and that she is not "everything" like she once was. (She may still be....but we won't tell her until it's time, right?)
Her hardest part will be kicking OM to the curb. You see, he is very much like a drug for her. I've been there....and I know that it was the whole fantasy thing, more than the man himself. When se drops him....she will have to go through withdrawls, and it's hard. She will be vulnerable to a backslide. It will be a trial for both of you. We will face that when it comes, but I only wanted you to know what to expect.
Thank you for giving me a blessing. I see it as that b/c these are not faceless posts here on the board.....these are real lives we deal with--and what we say may help bust a D or it could help distroy somebody's life. So, this is kind of like a ministry for me. I am hoping to reach out and return the help that was given to me....and resulted in getting my eyes open and finding myself again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have read you original stich. imLin was great also. There was many helpful things gather from the many threads there. Got the opportunity to grow a bit reading your story.
Wanted you to know that I am reading "Women Infidelity I & II, half way thru the 1st ebook. I about fell over in my chair I never heard (read) such things. Weird part about it isthat all of it makes perfect sense. I will admitt thou, half way thru the 1st book, things are not looking good for me. I hope it changes for the better before I get to the end of stage 4. My W is teeter toddering between stages 3&4.
What changed it for you? From the ebook I mean. Do you think I should give it too my W. I would have to email it to her as we are not currently living together.
I pray everyday that I would have the same support here that you have had. I know that I will. I am a good talking when around folks, but this typing thing is driving me crazy. I can only type with 2 fingers. It's a slow go, but I'ma going!
I mentioned that my son was in college. He wants to be a Doctor. He told me that this would be good research for him as he wants to be a psychiatrist. He has shut completely down toward my W. I pray the the Lord will soften his heart. I know he has the right, but if her problem is with me, he should not feel that way. I still defend my wife when my son or other (mostly my family say bad things about her. S hould I still do that... defend.
There were some very positive things said last night. I hope she follows thru with them. After reading your stich, if and when she does come home, I know to take it extremely slow.
W asked about boundaries after I gave her the OM boundary. I just told her that because we never set healthy boundaries during our marriage, we find ourselves here in this situation. She and I set a few others last night as well. I mostly listened to her talk, something I rarely have done.
Oh, and the TV thing... man talk about bad luck... Demons were zinging all over that arena today... you know, I knew she was going to the game, and often times, when folks ya know are at an event like this... 20 or 30,000 people there. We always look for a chance to catch a glimpse of them.... never see them though.... but I be a ........ there she was... umm umm umm!
Did not get sad though, just started DB'ing the TV. Went totally dark on that thing. Heck, it is sharing a house with me, I am not even interested in what it has to say right now.
i was wondering what I should do now? Is there a next step. Or do I just sit on it for now.
FYI... I will keep claiming God's promise. I have confessed it in faith the she will return and we shall reconcile.
As for actually filing D. I do not believe in it. My W is a fallen Christian (big time), but God has His hands on her. I pray daily for the barrier of thorns to be placed around her. I believe it is working.
I am not dark right now. But I will not be calling her, and if she TM's me, I will be extremely slow to respond if at all.
What did you mean when you said, plus she is with OM again, so that will influence her thinking?
Oh, never mind... it just hit me
Well, S2 I got to crash.... Church thingy in the morning...
God Bless you! Come back often. I'd like to talk to you some more, especially because I have a new profound knowledge of exactly what W is going through.
Thanks
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Got up this morning.... 1st snow of the year. Let the dog out and the ground looked so wonderful.
Decided to go for an am drive, dark out, high beams on, snow pelleting across the car.
Perfect time for prayer.
Drove around, praying an sipping coffee. Thoughts were of W. No sadness though, just a peaceful silence and a lonely heart.
I keep thinking that W does not seem like the person I had ever known, but when alone, I think about her and I see glimpses of the person I married. Few though, I think that is the hardest part.
I need to do some more reading, almost done with DR. Will try to finish it today...
God Bless allof you.
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Did not get sad though, just started DB'ing the TV. Went totally dark on that thing. Heck, it is sharing a house with me, I am not even interested in what it has to say right now.
I love that!
I had sent a pretty long response to your post over at Sandi's Place, so I don't know if you read that before you came back here. I don't want to bore you with repeating myself.
About your BIL.....our close friends and family can get very angry b/c they have strong opinions/emotions toward us and our S. I do not agree with your BIL's advice to you. I understand why he is saying that, but Pat it will not work with a WAW, and expecially one who is in an A! I hope you will trust me about. It would be about the worst thing you could do, IMHO. I don't know why he reacted so badly about the DB board, but he probably does not agree with the techniques and think we are all a bunch of nuts. It would probably be in your best interest to not discuss your MR or what you have been advised.....since he has such strong feelings, b/c it will only serve to upset you.
He may think this is like a chat room or something, but unless a person has been in your shoes.....and has come here to the DB board, they don't really understand. You may have to do BIL like you would your W if she tried to talk R talk.....and hold up your hand in a stop position and say, "I really do not want to talk about it". Kind of hard to discuss something with a person who doesn't talk.....
As I said....I talked about the E-book over on my thread, but if you have any questions, let me know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
S2 - I responded @ Sandi's Place ref: ebooks... FYI
Yeah, BIL does not understand this forum. I will go dark on him to... I am glad you find the TV thingy funny, cuz lately, I thought I have been loosing my mine. I have gone dark on alot of things lately. The cat, a set of lost car keys, the dishes in the sink, and my granfathers pocket watch.... lol
What I mean by that is since I am home alone more often than not, I find myself talking to things I normally don't talk to.
The cat used to jump up on the bed in the mornings meowing to W to get food. I am up before cat jumps and when I see cat coming, I tell the cat to leave me alone. Where are you, where are you I say to the keys as if they will answer. What are you waiting for to the dishes and haven't seen the pocket watch in years..... but that is just my way of playin games with myself when I am walking around the house. Sad huh!
Ok fredo, go get some sleep... work in 5.5 hours.... Sleep well!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
I expected her to be mad if you gave her boundaries, but the fact that she said all of those positive things after she calmed down?........that is fantastic! Now after saying that, I will also say that part of the battle has just begun, but there is so much hope now. Yes, she liked what she saw standing in front of her there in that freezing rain! (Hope you don't get the flu after that.) She saw the man she fell in love with and married. She likes that man. Most of all, she respects that man. She even backed up and admitted that she knew she really did love you! Wow! That is so exciting! 
I love that!