Hi- Saw H today for coffee. We had a nice chat and simple conversation. Tender feelings came back as we were getting along. But then the inevitable, I got the D papers. He wants to do clean and simple sans lawyers (we have zero shared assets and no children, property, etc). I was expecting it so not totally surprised...at the same time the reality of it hit all again and I cried and cried. Like totally broke down in front of him that he asked if I needed a paper bag so I wouldn't hyperventilate. It was hard. At this point, after 1 year of separation, I realize there is no point any longer in trying to convince your H to give M a 2nd chance when they have zero desire to. Sad b/c I feel like i'm now the woman/wife he wanted me to be....this time apart has forced me to do much soul searching for the better, and I do think I am a better, happier, more grounded and giving person now. But too late, apparently.
I went into a little spiel (couldn't help myslef) about how i don't believe in D unless last resort - meanging you try all you can to save a M and if it doesn't work, fine, you move on - but I take my vows and commitment so seriously and he just walks away when the going gets a little rough. It's sad b/c I do still love him, but what's the point in trying to rationalize w someone who no longer wants to be married to you. No retreat, no counseling, he refuses. And I do think I deserve better than this. I hinted at that and he agreed. So WTF? yet he also continued to blame me for M ending...although i've taken 110% responsibility and tried to change in better ways, for myself (but these also addressed issues he had w me/us).
So this is what MWD means...you can DB your ass off, and it can still not make a difference. You cannot control or change someone else or make them love you when they have time and time again said they do not feel that way about you, nor want to anymore.
It is what it is I guess at this point. I have these papers next to me right now but cannot make myself sign them. Over the holidays I'm going to start making my move happen. I need to physically move on and heal. My M is over. I am sad and mourning and crying. But it's done.
I guess we are resilient beings and we heal over time, but it isn't easy. But this site has helped me get back on my feet a lot across these past few months. I feel like I groveled a bit today in our meeting and didn't like that, but I can't help myself, I'm human w emotions and was sad and I cried. Now I've gotta just sign, I guess. But I still don't want this D. Ugh.
