OK, I pulled the trigger on asking my new friend, let's call her <Bonnie>, to do something on Sat. We narrowed it down to running or snowshoeing (MT fun at its best!)followed by coffee, and if I'm on my game, maybe lunch. She knows my full story and is not scared off. Shoot, I'm scared off by my story! :-)
I am certain reconciliation with WAW will be after our D if at all. She is so determined to seek this "shortcut" out of her pain and fear.
I went sledding with my S4 and S7 the last two nights after work. I heard from daycare that the S4 mentioned sledding yesterday to WAW when she called at noon today. :-) GAL-baby!
I got an email today from a former neighbor asking to go running-one of my GALs. He has seen my name in the local race results. In Sept, his wife had "encouraged" my W to D during the last days we were together (fact-WAW said so in an email to OM).
Former neighbor and second wife met and started an A while they were married to others, and, hey, if it worked for them, it will work for my WAW and OM! Actually, it's not working for second wife and step children - it is war - the UN should be involved! The grass is so much greener... :-)
Former neighbor said in email that I must be having a difficult time. My response was that my boys are having a difficult time, and I mentioned the WAW's admitted affair with OM <by name> (he supervises both in a part-time job-yes, it's sick and wrong) caused me considerable difficulty, but I am doing better every day.
I forwarded my response to my L before I sent it, and she said it was fine.
Interestingly, neighbor wrote back still wanting to go running-no mention of the affair. I don't think I'll run with him.
Another day of DBing in the books. WAW did not work as a sub again today. How does she expect to survive on $80/day as a substitute teacher? We get to use imputed income (she has M.Ed. + 15 credits and 9 yrs experience) to determine child support. So, at 50% custody, we're talking ~$250/month. Do that math and MIL will be supporting her for awhile.
How long will my 40-year old WAW want her mom to give her $1500/month to live? Indefinitely? Reality?
I don't think the financial thing will get her out of the FOG. It will have to be something happen in the R with the OM.
Looking forward to a fun Sat with <Bonnie>. If only WAW would see us together...
Nope, you acting as if life is good (and really why should you?) and dating other women will help though!
I hope WAW witnesses or hears word of my social plans with <Bonnie>.
WAW brought up the Christmas platter gift thing last night on the phone. I asked if she received my reply text. She spent minutes explaining why she did it. I gently but clearly told her it is my intent not to do anything joint with her related to Christmas.
WAW is very nervous all the time now when talking with me. It makes me more calm and rational when we talk. I say so many please's and thank you's I feel like a fraud.
Every conversation is Mars and Venus.
Divorce mediation scheduled for 5 pm today. The WAW I will be divorcing is a wholly different W than the one I married 16 years ago.
I am going to go for primary custodial parent of our S4 and S7 as a shot across WAW's bow. I have the house, health insurance, and job. She offers none of those things for my boys.
I have moved on emotionally. At one time, I planned to tell her that the door is open for awhile yet, and that she would have a soft landing spot. Now, I'm not sure I should bother.
How do I treat WAW with grace and compassion during this mediation when she has exhibited neither to me for so many months?
Maybe the best thing to do is stay calm, say little except when necessary, and let my A drive the bus?
It is Joann Sallmann. I saw you had a number of posts. If you would like to direct me to one or two poststhat you would like some help with please email virginia@divorcbusting.com the particular one or two links.
Since I have only read your initial post, I will give some general advice for today. I always urge clients to do the right things for the right reasons, even though she is not behaving like the same woman you married, so you don't have to look back and regret how you handled the situation. Being polite, respectful and cooperative is usually the best way to go.
Hope things go well for you today.
Joann Sallmann
Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with Joann - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Divorce mediation was last night. WAW's attorney was 10 min late.
Before, during and after the mediation, I was calm and confident. I received a glowing annual job review that morning and set a running date for Sat with a new friend that afternoon prior to the mediation. (I couldn't GAL any better beforehand). I actually made three harmless jokes.
WAW was very nervous beforehand.
WAW is a different person than the one I married. She tried (but failed) to hide her FEAR and HURT.
WAW's attorney noted that she is divorced and she has handled 2 divorce cases previously. WAW's attorney works full-time on staff of one of our state's US Senators and is an A on the side. WAW's attorney started off saying how she wants to avoid a courtroom and the expense associated with that. She was hoping for validation of her statement but received none from us.
I chose my A because she really good, a single Mom, and she is in court every day (family and criminal defense law), so she knows the inside of the local courts very well. I have been repeatedly told in my past business dealings that the best way to stay out of court is to be really good at being in court.
WAW "lost it" three times by yelling and demeaning me during the mediation. My A and I took a break each time. We walked out by the end of the first yelled sentence. I asked my A over and over during each break if I was being mean or vindictive, and she adamantly said no. My A said the anger my WAW is showing comes from the fact that the financial and other realities of her "new life" started to dawn on her.
Financial reality is my WAW makes $80/day as a substitute teacher and works, say, 2/3 of school days. She has the ability to get a full-time job in an adjoining district; she chooses to sub. at the school where OM also works as a teacher (yes, it's sick and wrong). So, we are holding out for no child support (WAW's Mom is a multi-millionaire and supporting her WAW lifestyle now).
Child support payments are de facto alimony in this case, and I do not want to support her WAW life.
We agreed to splitting all child-related costs 50-50 (except gifts).
We agreed that I will carry health ins. for S4 and S7-she pays 1/2 of incremental family premium and split deductibles, co-pays, etc.
She actually proposed that I pay all daycare costs (?). We agreed that each of us will pay our own childcare costs.
We agreed to 3-3-4-4 custody schedule. We agreed for who drives where for pickups and drop offs. We agreed on holidays and birthdays schedules.
WAW presumed she would be the "primary custodial parent" and her A presented all of these ways in which WAW would involve me in decisions. When her A stopped talking, I calmly looked at WAW and said that I would like to be the primary custodial parent and that I would extend those courtesies to WAW if I am named. WAW then launched into a long soliloquy about how she has been the primary custodial parent (does not even exist when married) for the past seven years. When she finished speaking, I validated her thoughts then calmly said I did not disagree with what she said with the exception that since March (when EA got started), her circumstances of her parenting have changed, and I reiterated my desire to be the primary custodial parent. I saw her nose go red, her nostrils flare repeatedly, and the tears begin. The hateful words started flowing and my A and I took a break.
We had to table discussion of how to pay for the house until sale and how the capital loss/gain will be shared. When the house discussion started, they stated what was in their draft dissolution documents, and I said I would offer them that same deal and WAW could have the house. I would quit claim it to her and pay closing costs for a mortgage in her name only. WAW blew up because we moved to <City> ... Didn't stay for the rest.
House disposition was tabled.
By now, WAW was completely rattled and reality was starting to sink in so I was an a#*hole personified.
WAW needs to get more belongings out of our house in order to get it ready to sell. I said I need to be there whenever she is in our house-it is my space. She was really upset and said I could not be there and she was going to take anything and it's her house too. I agreed (of course) that it is her house too but said I must be there. She did not want even my representative to be there when she was in our house. She launched again into a hateful diatribe about something, so my A and I took a break again.
My A was adamant that I was NOT mean or vindictive-WAW was just hitting the reality wall really hard for, really the first time. My A said WAW has lived a comfortable middle class life and now she can't see how she is going to make it.
I SO MUCH wanted to tell WAW that she could stop this D train, end her EA/PA, and not have any of this life she was then started to see. My A siad not to talk about that at all now. (I knew it too from DBing, but it was good to hear from A too).
The worst part of the whole night was that I didn't feel love one when I looked at her. I saw a sad WAW caught in a tornado of guilt, hurt, anger, immorality, betrayal, and forsaken mothering. I almost pitied her but for the hateful things she said.
Upon return, we agreed to end the mediation. WAW's A stated that ALL communication be through attorneys. That seemed ludicrous to me, so I asked WAW if she wants day-to-day communication about our boys to go through attornies because that seemed onerous. WAW's A said she did not say ALL communication, and she and I respectfully argued for a minute until my A told her that she did, in fact, say ALL communication. We agreed that communication about legal matters needs to go through our attorneys. Of course that's how it goes when one side lawyers up. I was told that on about day one of my professional career.
I met a new (since separation) W friend for two beers at a very nice place after the mediation. It was very fun. I got home at 10pm-maybe a record for this formerly boring LBH on a weeknight.
Posting here is a kind of catharsis. I would like to hear any comments, suggestions, or questions from anyone.
WAW must be in another world where short term memory loss is common.
WAW and her attorney spent 5 minutes explaining to me at the mediation last Thu how the 2-2-5-5 custody schedule was inappropriate for our S4. I immediately agreed to a 3-3-4-4 schedule at that time. She agreed to draft a "better" Jan schedule using 3-3-4-4.
I received a grammatically correct, with capitals, text (first time ever she didn't use the "teenie" texting manner) today thanking me "very much" for putting together the custody schedule for our S4 and S7 during January. Huh? It was a 2-2-5-5 schedule! She wanted to know if I wanted to go with the schedule as drafted. Huh? She thanked me again for "my hard work" at the end of the text. Huh?
We agreed at the mediation to 50/50 cost share all clothes for our boys and some clothes may go back and forth with custody. We talked on the phone yesterday about clothes, and WAW said she needs to go get clothes because we are doing separate clothes! I told her that was not what we agreed the night before (?) and let's have clothes go back and forth for now.
We agreed to clarify at the next mediation. (There is nothing to clarify-I repeated the discussion back to her word for word about me already talking to day care (twice) about bag transfers and what an excellent bargain shopper WAW is).
Is short term memory loss a symptom of the "in love" feelings she must have for OM?
I found WAW's use of decent grammar interesting too. I always use name, message, then my name at the end as if my texts were letters-yes I'm old and old fashioned! Old fashioned enough to believe the oath I took so many years ago to defend our flag, the covenant WAW and I made with God at our wedding, and the oath I took as an engineer to put the welfare of the public ahead of personal gain.
