Still here Luv. As promised, probably the biggest list of 2X4's ever swung here by moi...
luvless: H came in and handed me a gift he got at the office (a bottle of wine n chocolates) he says, "open it up and let's have some."
Some would read this as a placating gesture. I don't. This was an attempt to smoke the peace-pipe. If it was a placating gesture it would have been something along the lines of "Here, take this and shut up." Because he proposed sharing it there and then it was his way of saying, "Lets sit down and figure this out. I want to communicate with you."
H: +1 pt for effort. Score: 1 L: +1 pt for effort. Score: 1
luvless: We talk in the kitchen while sipping and he is talking about work so like the good for nothing wife I am..I listen.
He's not sure how to communicate with you so he tries to break the ice by talking about his work. Ask yourself this question, "How many wives on this board would be DIE for the opportunity to hear their H's opening up and sharing?" The answer: MANY.
You screwed up with this: "so like the good for nothing wife." That attitude stinks.
YOU think that is what HE thinks of you. Newsflash: You don't have a clue of what he's thinking. But you carrying on like this WILL make him start to think in those terms. I can picture you standing in that kitchen with your arms crossed and a blank face trying to hide your resentment. Even if your facial expressions didn't show it, your body language communicated, in extreme detail, your bitterness. And there's that poor schmuck of your H thinking, "How the hell am I ever going to get through to this woman?"
H: +2 pts for opening up. Score: 3 L: -2 pts for bad attitude. Score: -1
luvless: In my mind I can't take this limbo feeling I have. I'm thinking in my head should I call him on his sh*t what should I do...I need to talk to him about what he's doing (EA or PA) so..
Here's this guy trying to open up communication lines and all that's going through your mind is: "ME, my feelings, my hurt, my anger, my pain... I, ME, MYSELF and screw Irene!!!" Your mind was mentally blocking anything he was saying, doing, trying to say, wanting to say, trying to do, wanting to do. Get the picture? If not... in plain English... YOUR MIND IS YOUR WORST ENEMY at this point in time.
luvless: I ask him, "what is going on here I'm not happy the way things are?"
GOOD! You cut to the chase and saved him from waffling.
H: Score: 3 L: +1 pt. Score: -4
luvless: He says, "I don't even wanna come home blah blah anymore." He has never said anything like this ever. I listen to his rant (it was calm) but he was telling me how he feels and even though I hated it - I kept composure and agreed with his negative feelings.
Do you see what you did here? Do you really see? If not, let me tell you. He is opening up and sharing his feelings. This was a fantastic opportunity for you to gather information. But you didn't. You chose to hear "blah, blah, blah" You were not open to communication. You did not care about his grievances to see where you are going wrong and find opportunity to correct yourself. Instead you put up a wall and viewed this as an attack or his way of justifying his actions. All this guy did was waste his breath.
H: +1 pt for opening up. Score: 4 H: +1 pt for remaining calm. Score: 5 L: +1 pt for keeping composure. Score: -3 L: +1 pt for validating. Score: -2 L: -4 pts for mental blockage and not really "listening". Score: -6
luvless: I got brave (and mad) said, "ya know...I don't want you unhappy so I am willing to let you go."
H: +1 pt for remaining calm. Score: 5 L: +2 pts for communicating.. Score: -4
luvless: it was scary to do but he immediately backed off (the look on his face) like wow..she's serious. He back tracked a little (got the feeling he was trying to let me know he wasn't leaving just yet)
OK, you confronted your fear and at the same time removed some of the leverage he thinks he had over you. This was an opportunity for you to come to the negotiation table but you missed it.
H: +1 pt for "clicking". Score: 6 L: +1 pt for communicating. Score: -3
luvless: don't do me any favors!
What the heck are you thinking???
H: Score: 6 L: -2 pts for bad attitude. Score: -5
luvless: It seems he is more interested in being wrapped up at work and his travel and I told him, "I love you but I won't be second...I deserve respect."
Luv, respect is earned and not deserved.
H: Score: 6 L: Score: -6
luvless: I forgot to tell you guys - he is listening to "his needs her needs."
H: +2 pts for effort. Score: 8 L: Score: -6
luvless: He mentioned it was good (but in a sarcastic way) he said, "I'm not gonna lie anymore"...like to pretend he's happy.
H: +1 pt for honesty. Score: 9 L: Score: -6
luvless: I thought wow - that's what you got out of it? I thought it was about taking care of your partner's NEEDS. whatever.
H: Score: 9 L: -2 pts for sarcasm and attitude . Score: -8
luvless: I ended the conversation and we went to sit on the couch. I didn't act sad or upset at all.
H: Score: 9 L: +1 pt for good behavior. Score: -7
luvless: He was telling me about something at work (that lousy wife was listening once again) so all the time he is talking to me I am tuning him out thinking (i am growing hate for this man)
H: Score: 9 L: -2 pts for attitude. Score: -9 L: -2 pts for tuning him out. Score: -11 L: -2 pts for mental blockage. Score: -13
luvless: Here I am supposed to listen to you...care how you feel...but you won't do it for me? Thinking really angry thoughts - this man wants me to play wife but he won't treat me like one! He wants me to sit and have wine with him..talk to me when he feels like...have sex when he feels like it...I was really upset guys.
You have some valid grievances. You have a right to be angry. I'm not making light of this at all. BUT you are misreading and your resentment is completely blocking out all of his attempts at connecting with you Luv.
H: Score: 9 L: Score: -13
luvless: This morning I get up first - he served me coffee (hasn't at all lately) was talking to me etc - kissed me goodbye and said, "have a good day." He hasn't said that in a month!
H: +1 pt for attempt. Score: 10 L: Score: -13
luvless: I can't help but wonder if he thought - I better cool it or maybe he is just feeling guilty cuz he's gonna go have his friday tryst with his ofc girlfriend. Who freaking knows.
IF there is an OW I'd say OK your feelings are justified. But right now the way your mind is working you are looking for anything to justify your resentment towards him.
luvless: I wanted to tell you I am checking out. I'm ready to act AS IF - no matter what! 100% I've got to pull the rug out of my wavering H feet!
OK, if that's what you truly want then I'll support. However I can tell you with at least 99% certainty: You pull that rug now and there is only one direction left for him... AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS POSSIBLE.
luvless: I'm tired of being neglected. I'm tired. I feel ready to let him go if that's the case. I can't believe he refuses to have any consideration for MY FEELINGS!!!!
I hear you my dear. The only problem is I'm hearing you TOO well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've seen someone suggested MC for the two of you. I don't think that this is a good idea. I do recommend IC for you though.
Final scores: H: 10 points. L: -13 points
Everything in this dissected post seems to point to the fact that you are not Divorce BUSTING but Divorce ACCELERATING!!! Right now everything this man tries is being twisted around into an offense. The bad things he does count double.
If you want to turn this around then: STOP looking for an evil twist in all his actions and start looking for the good things he IS doing. According to your H, he's not happy and doesn't wanna come home. That is truly sad because a man's home is his castle.
With that in mind I'd like to ask you some VERY SERIOUS questions. Take some time to think them over.
1. What can he look forward to when he gets home? 2. Why should he want to come home? 3. What have you got to offer him?
Luv, I hope you don't take this as a personal attack on you. I'm really trying to show you where you are going wrong.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Thank you ST - I am listening aside from my attitude. I have no choice than to work on me..there is nothing left to do. Last night he came home really late. I don't even know where the heck he was...it felt awful. I am so exhausted. He is done..just done..and there isn't anything I can do for our M.
The only thing left for me is to pick myself up and keep from falling apart. I am going to back way off...way off. I'm done too being beat up. I have accepted the fact that my H is going to walk away..and on top of it..blame me for it.
It takes everything in me not to cry throughout the day..outta nowhere! Anyway...enough of my negativity. I am on my own now...so I will do for me. I went shopping this morning and bought this cool calvin klein coat I wanted and will continue retail therapy.
Today I did...
prayed - meditated (even though I felt like sh*t) shopped - for me nap - so dang tired dinner at friends house w/ the kids
I have my best friend who has been calling and checking on me...I don't know what I would do without her and you guys.
Luv
Last edited by luvless; 12/19/0909:17 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
1. What can he look forward to when he gets home? 2. Why should he want to come home? 3. What have you got to offer him?
Luv, I hope you don't take this as a personal attack on you. I'm really trying to show you where you are going wrong. [/quote]
He comes home with a bad attitude - even the kids say "dad what's wrong with you?" Right now there are no positives. He likes my company and right now he can't be near me so....no positives.
1 - to lounging and listening to his christmas music 2 - because his family is here! 3 - I can't offer him anything - he doesn't offer me anything either.
I understand EXACTLY what you are saying but I think you are giving my H too much credit. He is acting like a pompous jerk! There are ways to express yourself without being disrespectful. I always say, "you can say what you want it's just HOW you say it."
Maybe I don't want to hear him. I hear everything he says as a slap in the face. I've been a good wife - I've been faithful - I take care of EVERYTHING here - he works and that's it. I'm ONE person doing everything. I am taken for granted. Thats my rant.
Now...I can't do anything for him right now. I just can't. I have to do for me now. I'm done trying to be understanding. I will be respectful towards him and I will do for me. I will change my attitude (even though I am dying inside!)
I am going to take everything you said into consideration. I don't take offense but it's hard cuz he's been so cruel. It's just unacceptable to be treated this way. I will CHANGE my attitude - It's not in me to be unhappy...and this...is complete misery.
Thank you G - you are very much appreciated
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Thank you SO MUCH for the list of things you did! great job!
fyi, be careful on the reatil therapy...it is just temporary relief, but it can help no doubt, just don't want it to become a habit because that can be bad too.
Quote:
hear everything he says as a slap in the face. I've been a good wife - I've been faithful - I take care of EVERYTHING here - he works and that's it. I'm ONE person doing everything. I am taken for granted. Thats my rant.
this is because you are in bitter land. I was a good wife, I was faithful, I took care of everything...my life was just like yours, (and that's why I couldn't see anything H did was good), but that's not why they married us, they M us for US, so start getting YOU back.
G said, what is at home that makes him want to be there. right now? nothing.
you are so down on yourself calling yourself the "lousy wife". (I know you were putting those words in his mouth, but your speaking them out of yours). Start BELIEVING you are a great wife, and start loving yourself and caring for yourself. and stop doing everything. FYI, just because you feel like your doing everything, doesn't mean H doesn't feel the same. He's never been in your shoes, and neither have you in his. you really need to pick up FOR WOMEN ONLY. A man has tremendous pressure as the provider, and even if they aren't the primary provider, they STILL put this pressure on themselves! Remember, even though you think H is purposely trying to hurt you (which I don't believe it is on purpose) you could be doing the exact same thing to him. We all have different perceptions, and that's what matters. what you do to him may cause him horrible hurt, but if he does it to you, you wouldn't care. and vice versa. so don't expect that it is only you who is hurting.
HURTING PEOPLE HURT OTHER PEOPLE
FYI, When we take care of ourselves, it will help release the bitterness, and that is what you need right now.
and seriously luv, do you really think him bringing the wine, talking to you, making you coffee, giving you a kiss, were all evil plans in his mind??
look, he's probably doing the same as you, thinking, oh she's probably going to be mad at me, and then what did you do...you validated it. I have a feeling he is pretty apprehensive of you, and for a guy to share his feelings (unless he's not the norm) that is really hard. BUT, you did really really good when you remained calm and validated, I'm really proud of you for that.
if you need to step away from him for a while, that is okay, you've got to get yourself emotionally ready to see the steps he is making to try to fix things.
everything G said is right, keep listening, and take the action you need to take to get on the right path.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
What happened to the previous statement?