I am angry and would like some input in how to handle a very delicate situation...
you all know the episode from a few nights ago when one daughter asked my h to come home...( she is simply meaning from work...)
ok, it is snowing like crazy here and h always did the sleds, snowmen and takes kiddos for rides pulling them on the innertubes behind the tractor. unfortunately for me this is what they expect.
anyways 5 y/o asks if she can call daddy...sure ive been told they can call whenever..
she calls and wants to know when he'll be home...because she want to play with him in the snow( i have tried already today, as diligently as i can...they want dad).
no clue as to what h says to her but as usual he takes it out on me. he feels like a prick, hes gonna tell them hes not coming home, he is soooo busy today...this isnt fair to him...
OMG!! i simply say ok i understand how busy you are, he is able to do the salting and plowing for work...thank god...
they are very excited about the snow...
how do i approach this all? psych agrees with me...with the other issues our 8 y/o has it is best to let them think h is working nights...he is screaming he is gonna tell them.
i know (or hope) it is only out of anger...this would destroy them both. they have been fine with how things have been, just get excited over certain things.
imo right now im glad he feels like a prick...maybe i shouldnt, i did not say or imply anything but...
ive been doing an AWESOME job these past 4 months ON MY OWN...
f him. maybe he SHOULD feel this way. he IS guilty to some extent no matter what his reasons are...
opinions please???
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
no clue as to what h says to her but as usual he takes it out on me. he feels like a prick, hes gonna tell them hes not coming home, he is soooo busy today...this isnt fair to him...
He feels bad. D calling him put pressure on him. He's getting mad with you because he thinks that you put D up to it. I know you didn't, but that's the way he sees it... hence the anger.
Quote:
he is able to do the salting and plowing for work...thank god...
Yes. These are good signs.
Quote:
how do i approach this all? psych agrees with me...with the other issues our 8 y/o has it is best to let them think h is working nights...he is screaming he is gonna tell them.
He is screaming out of anger. He knows that this is your weakest link and he is going to exploit it in order for you to back off.
Quote:
imo right now im glad he feels like a prick...maybe i shouldnt, i did not say or imply anything but...
I hear you. Your frustration is there and it's real. Your task right now is to hide it as best you can from him. If he senses you're taking pleasure or finding justification in this it will reinforce in his mind that he is doing the right thing and push him further away.
Quote:
ive been doing an AWESOME job these past 4 months ON MY OWN...
No doubt about it. I'm sure that this has given you an enormous boost of self-confidence.
Quote:
f him. maybe he SHOULD feel this way. he IS guilty to some extent no matter what his reasons are...
I hear you and you ARE right. Lost, please don't let resentment sabotage your efforts.
Quote:
opinions please???
Keep chipping away at his reasons. Don't give him anymore excuses.
I'd suggest the next time you talk to him you say something along these lines: "I know you're hurting. I know when the kids call you it seems to trigger you and they're putting pressure for you. I care about you and your well-being so I'm going to stop letting them call you so you can have your space." He will try to protest. He might even get angry... whatever... you hold the line with, "H, I know what you're saying but your actions are contrary to that. I'm tired of being the victim in this and being blamed for their actions. The kids are smart in their own way and are trying to manipulate you. Unfortunately, they don't understand the true impact of their words. Let's do this for a week. After that we can see how it goes."
Or something along those lines... what the above accomplishes is to remove the triggers for his resentment. It will also get the point across far more clearly to distance the kids desires from yours.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
ok, not sure if this is good or bad...( would help good, atleast i feel good, i actually laughed out loud...)
my father in law let out...on purpose i think that he and mil watched girls last night... to h. h flips and fil tells he whoa bud, shouldnt go there blah blah blah
ive known this for a few hours.
anyways h calls me, asked something totally off the wall trying to start a conversation, but wouldnt breathe a word...
I told him i went out last night for a few hours...
THEN he tells me he knows, he HAD to hear from his dad, not me...WHY didnt i call him and tell him? if the roads had gotten bad why did i have the kids out? did i drink? where did i go???
WHAT does it matter...i didnt say this, this is what made me laugh out loud...
he actually EXPECTS me to get the ok from him b4 I do anything?? YES! this he told me...is he warped...
i simply said im sorry you are so upset over this, it really was nothing. he he he
he is so pissed...says he is happy i went out...but...
but what...isnt that what divorce would be like? i dont need permission from him to do anything do I?
what an ass, such a double standard!
am i looking at this the right way...i sure do hope so cause it feels REALLY good right now!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
You didn't say what you answered, but I hope you were vague. Let him wonder. Keep all other pressure off him. Don't be surprised if he starts paying more attention on the home front from now on.
Did you tell him about holding off the kids phoning him for a week?
EDIT: Oh, and one more thing... I WOULDN'T have said a word about going out last night. I'd have waited for him to bring it up. From now on you don't owe him any explanations on where you are and what you are doing. He's checked out of the house...
Last edited by Gnosis; 12/19/0909:59 PM.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Lost! LoL. I love that you love your results of GAL! Ha! Way to go. I like G's conversation tips. I did this at the start of db'ing, but diff suject, and it neutralized everything. That helps, esp over holidays. Get ready to stir the pot sooner than I, though!
Yea!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
watched Definetly, Maybe...great flick, added more laughs to my day...so sad h doesnt want to take part...didnt invite him but he chose to do the walking away. he doesnt KNOW all he is missing...
G, for today im gonna keep it the same with emphasis on another movie, once the girls are asleep.
its difficult to do a whole lot for me on weekends...im proud that i got out of the house...first time in over 4 months and im also shocked by the reaction...
got my flavored coffee brewing as i type!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
MF, thanks! i truly NEVER expected the reaction...i thought he wouldnt care. yeah, he said he was glad i went out but...
funniest thing is...was waiting for him to call the girls to say goodnight...didnt happen. hes so full of it! what a lame excuse. he was just not sure what to think or do at the fact that ia actually went out!
its funny, and yes i laughed. just sad that it is what it is for now!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
