feel like giving up - talk to me!

[Gnosis]

Still here Luv. As promised, probably the biggest list of 2X4's ever swung here by moi...

luvless: H came in and handed me a gift he got at the office (a bottle of wine n chocolates) he says, "open it up and let's have some."

Some would read this as a placating gesture. I don't. This was an attempt to smoke the peace-pipe. If it was a placating gesture it would have been something along the lines of "Here, take this and shut up." Because he proposed sharing it there and then it was his way of saying, "Lets sit down and figure this out. I want to communicate with you."

H: +1 pt for effort. Score: 1
L: +1 pt for effort. Score: 1

luvless: We talk in the kitchen while sipping and he is talking about work so like the good for nothing wife I am..I listen.

He's not sure how to communicate with you so he tries to break the ice by talking about his work.
Ask yourself this question, "How many wives on this board would be DIE for the opportunity to hear their H's opening up and sharing?" The answer: MANY.

You screwed up with this: "so like the good for nothing wife." That attitude stinks.

YOU think that is what HE thinks of you. Newsflash: You don't have a clue of what he's thinking. But you carrying on like this WILL make him start to think in those terms. I can picture you standing in that kitchen with your arms crossed and a blank face trying to hide your resentment. Even if your facial expressions didn't show it, your body language communicated, in extreme detail, your bitterness. And there's that poor schmuck of your H thinking, "How the hell am I ever going to get through to this woman?"

H: +2 pts for opening up. Score: 3
L: -2 pts for bad attitude. Score: -1

luvless: In my mind I can't take this limbo feeling I have. I'm thinking in my head should I call him on his sh*t what should I do...I need to talk to him about what he's doing (EA or PA) so..

Here's this guy trying to open up communication lines and all that's going through your mind is: "ME, my feelings, my hurt, my anger, my pain... I, ME, MYSELF and screw Irene!!!" Your mind was mentally blocking anything he was saying, doing, trying to say, wanting to say, trying to do, wanting to do. Get the picture? If not... in plain English... YOUR MIND IS YOUR WORST ENEMY at this point in time.

H: Score: 3
L: -4 pts for mental blockage. Score: -5

luvless: I ask him, "what is going on here I'm not happy the way things are?"

GOOD! You cut to the chase and saved him from waffling.

H: Score: 3
L: +1 pt. Score: -4

luvless: He says, "I don't even wanna come home blah blah anymore." He has never said anything like this ever. I listen to his rant (it was calm) but he was telling me how he feels and even though I hated it - I kept composure and agreed with his negative feelings.

Do you see what you did here? Do you really see? If not, let me tell you. He is opening up and sharing his feelings. This was a fantastic opportunity for you to gather information. But you didn't. You chose to hear "blah, blah, blah" You were not open to communication. You did not care about his grievances to see where you are going wrong and find opportunity to correct yourself. Instead you put up a wall and viewed this as an attack or his way of justifying his actions. All this guy did was waste his breath.

H: +1 pt for opening up. Score: 4
H: +1 pt for remaining calm. Score: 5
L: +1 pt for keeping composure. Score: -3
L: +1 pt for validating. Score: -2
L: -4 pts for mental blockage and not really "listening". Score: -6

luvless: I got brave (and mad) said, "ya know...I don't want you unhappy so I am willing to let you go."

H: +1 pt for remaining calm. Score: 5
L: +2 pts for communicating.. Score: -4

luvless: it was scary to do but he immediately backed off (the look on his face) like wow..she's serious. He back tracked a little (got the feeling he was trying to let me know he wasn't leaving just yet)

OK, you confronted your fear and at the same time removed some of the leverage he thinks he had over you. This was an opportunity for you to come to the negotiation table but you missed it.

H: +1 pt for "clicking". Score: 6
L: +1 pt for communicating. Score: -3

luvless: don't do me any favors!

What the heck are you thinking???

H: Score: 6
L: -2 pts for bad attitude. Score: -5

luvless: It seems he is more interested in being wrapped up at work and his travel and I told him, "I love you but I won't be second...I deserve respect."

Luv, respect is earned and not deserved.

H: Score: 6
L: Score: -6

luvless: I forgot to tell you guys - he is listening to "his needs her needs."

H: +2 pts for effort. Score: 8
L: Score: -6

luvless: He mentioned it was good (but in a sarcastic way) he said, "I'm not gonna lie anymore"...like to pretend he's happy.

H: +1 pt for honesty. Score: 9
L: Score: -6

luvless: I thought wow - that's what you got out of it? I thought it was about taking care of your partner's NEEDS. whatever.

H: Score: 9
L: -2 pts for sarcasm and attitude . Score: -8

luvless: I ended the conversation and we went to sit on the couch. I didn't act sad or upset at all.

H: Score: 9
L: +1 pt for good behavior. Score: -7

luvless: He was telling me about something at work (that lousy wife was listening once again) so all the time he is talking to me I am tuning him out thinking (i am growing hate for this man)

H: Score: 9
L: -2 pts for attitude. Score: -9
L: -2 pts for tuning him out. Score: -11
L: -2 pts for mental blockage. Score: -13

luvless: Here I am supposed to listen to you...care how you feel...but you won't do it for me? Thinking really angry thoughts - this man wants me to play wife but he won't treat me like one! He wants me to sit and have wine with him..talk to me when he feels like...have sex when he feels like it...I was really upset guys.

You have some valid grievances. You have a right to be angry. I'm not making light of this at all. BUT you are misreading and your resentment is completely blocking out all of his attempts at connecting with you Luv.

H: Score: 9
L: Score: -13

luvless: This morning I get up first - he served me coffee (hasn't at all lately) was talking to me etc - kissed me goodbye and said, "have a good day." He hasn't said that in a month!

H: +1 pt for attempt. Score: 10
L: Score: -13

luvless: I can't help but wonder if he thought - I better cool it or maybe he is just feeling guilty cuz he's gonna go have his friday tryst with his ofc girlfriend. Who freaking knows.

IF there is an OW I'd say OK your feelings are justified. But right now the way your mind is working you are looking for anything to justify your resentment towards him.

luvless: I wanted to tell you I am checking out. I'm ready to act AS IF - no matter what! 100% I've got to pull the rug out of my wavering H feet!

OK, if that's what you truly want then I'll support. However I can tell you with at least 99% certainty: You pull that rug now and there is only one direction left for him... AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS POSSIBLE.

luvless: I'm tired of being neglected. I'm tired. I feel ready to let him go if that's the case. I can't believe he refuses to have any consideration for MY FEELINGS!!!!

I hear you my dear. The only problem is I'm hearing you TOO well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've seen someone suggested MC for the two of you. I don't think that this is a good idea. I do recommend IC for you though.

Final scores:
H: 10 points.
L: -13 points

Everything in this dissected post seems to point to the fact that you are not Divorce BUSTING but Divorce ACCELERATING!!! Right now everything this man tries is being twisted around into an offense. The bad things he does count double.

If you want to turn this around then: STOP looking for an evil twist in all his actions and start looking for the good things he IS doing. According to your H, he's not happy and doesn't wanna come home. That is truly sad because a man's home is his castle.

With that in mind I'd like to ask you some VERY SERIOUS questions. Take some time to think them over.

1. What can he look forward to when he gets home?
2. Why should he want to come home?
3. What have you got to offer him?

Luv, I hope you don't take this as a personal attack on you. I'm really trying to show you where you are going wrong.