Well yesterday we had no contact at all - no IM - no phone. And with the day before having the only contact like that of an ex wife rather than a girlfriend it makes me start to wonder. So today will be just random thoughts.


I had mentioned to her that now that the divorce was final she had gotten what she wanted and she asked me to stop saying that. I will not mention that to her again But, I can not stop believing it. After all she filed and continued til she got the final order. It was all her choice even after I showed her that my lack of sex drive was not because I did not love her but was because of my low hormones. Also, in the final order she asked for and got her old name back. The last name of her first ex who had had an affair on her. And she did not want to keep my last name, the name of someone who when she got the final order still loved her very much and who had not even thought of an affair.

guess I am just licking my wounds and feeling hurt. And it does hurt a lot. After seeing Michele bit on 20/20 on the men being LD and the effect on the marriage, I know that my lack of sexual desire hurt her a lot as well, but I do not know if she knows how much the final order hurt me. I know it is just a piece of paper and does not represent my feelings toward her, but it does show her feelings toward me.

Maybe she is just going through a post divorce let down and needs time to be alone and think about what she did and what she wants. She has also just gone through the change of life thing, hot flashes, mood swings, etc. But from what I hear her say that stopped a few months ago. Don’t know if there are any residual effects though. And she is also in the MLC thing so she has a lot going on in her head. I am glad we had a really good time after the hearing so she can compare that to no contact. I just hope that she does not start to feel so guilty about it that she feels that I could not ever love her again.

When I was getting ready for my backpacking trip it came up in conversation that I had 2 of almost everything (backpacks, sleeping bags, etc) and she replied that I was ready to take someone else. I said that when she was ready to let me know - her unexpected response was “OK”. I later asked her if she was serious and she said yes - when she felt better (from her strep throat) Well on Tuesday I suggested that for her birthday (Nov, 8) that she might like to go back to the Bed and Breakfast we went to for her first birthday after our marriage. She thanked me for the offer but said she did not feel she would be ready then and that I should not get any reservations as she did not want me to go alone. Well, in thinking about that I felt that I might just want to go anyway, even if I do go alone. The lodge is on top of a big hill overlooking the Smoky Mountains and it is very relaxing. I have reserved the room for the weekend after her birthday (I am still taking her out for dinner on her birthday). The cost for one is the same as for two so if she wants to go then of course she will be welcome but either way I am going.

I am thinking that when she goes on her sister trip cruise next weekend that I will go over to her house (with her knowledge of course) to do more cleaning up of my stuff. But I will get a couple of hired labor guys to help me move everything of mine that is still in her house and garage to the shed and anything of hers in the shed move back to the garage. That way it will be totally done when she gets back from the cruise and she can then “have her house back”.

I do not know and the waiting is very hard - we will see if she IM’s or calls today, I will not pursue though - she asked me for the divorce and wanted me out so I feel she needs to ask me back. I just have to be the kind of a man that she would want to come back to.

Granite - from how she responded Tuesday at the lake and movie and especially in her driveway, and also from some things she did before Tuesday, I feel that she likes my subtle sexual hints and innuendos and the physical contacts (foot rubs, back rubs, neck rubs, holding hands, hugs, etc) but when it start getting her worked up some she will pull away while telling me that she enjoyed it. I wonder if she wants me to really pursue her?

ODGA