Think OW is here in my house right now!

[aflowergurlie]

Sorry in advance, gonna be a really long one.

Wednesday - met with the L and loved him. Was there for three hours. He speaks my language totally. Is not about being vindictive, ruthless, revengeful/avengeful, provoking emotions and stirring up unnecessary contentious in this process. He does however want to see a fair resolution and is willing to stand firm and stand his ground on the issues that matter. So I retained him and felt so much relief when I left his office.

L said it would be ok for me to go ahead and meet with H that evening but not to talk about anything in regards to the splitting or division of anything between us.

H met me at home in the evening as previously arranged. We sat down at the kitchen table to talk. H starts convo with telling me that he doesn't want anything from the house now except his clothes and personal stuff, I can have everything else, he just wants out of the M as quickly as possible now. Then going back down the line of me taking the $1000 and how I had no right to take that money without consulting him first. He was going to put it back in his account. I explained that he couldn't do that as the money had already been spent, check written for $1000. H "What for?" AFG "For legal fees." H "So you got a lawyer?" AFG "Yes, I have a lawyer now." H "Oh, so this is just your L? I thought you said we were going to get one for both of us, so you lied." AFG "There is still the possibility of him taking care of things for both of us, but as it stands right now he is my L only." H "This is BS, I'm not paying for your legal fees..." and goes on a tirade of everything he's going to stop paying for now (again). H "And if this L is going to try and milk me and take me for everything I've got, I'm going to go get a L that will be ruthless and you'll be sorry then." I just sat during all of this nonsense, kept cool, calm, and composed and just kept saying Ok repeatedly, and please do whatever is in your best interest that you need to do.

Then H keeps trying to push me for "Well, what do you want to get out of this? What are you thinking of as far as an agreement?" I just kept repeating over and over "We have just begun the process and I am not in the position to discuss any of that at this point. That will come in due time. But for now, I am not willing to talk about any of that." H "I don't see why you can't just talk about it. I don't want this to get ugly and I don't want there to be any big surprises during this." AFG "Unfortunately, your actions and decisions perpetuated the situation to where it is now, and I have to look out for my own best interest now." H "What? With me bringing OW here? You knew I was bringing her here, I told you." AFG "No, we both know that's not what happened." and I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. H still has a little bit of an attitude "Well, you know what. You knew that I was seeing her and that I had already slept with her and so I guess I just figured it didn't matter to you anymore and I just got tired of waiting around for you to leave." AFG-regathered my composure a little bit "I had explained to you many times that there was absolutely NO reason on this earth as to why she should be here in OUR home. What you did was the most disrespectful, insensitive, inhumane, and cruel thing you could ever do to another human being." H's face starts softening but still a little emotionally blocked "I'm sorry for bringing her here, I didn't think it mattered anymore." AFG-breaks down completely "Please stop talking because your apology doesn't even sound real, so I'd rather not even have an apology than to have to hear that." H breaks his wall down instantly and gets up and comes to me while I'm still sitting in my chair, kneels on floor and has both his hands touching my arms, with tears welling up in his eyes "Please look at me, I'm so sorry. I didn't think you cared anymore. I didn't mean to hurt you like that and I would have never brought her here if I thought it would hurt you." AFG crying and shaking and can't even look at H. H pleading me with me to please look him in the eye and trying to hug me. Finally look at him and respond with "Please just don't say anything else. I'm just too broken inside right now." I get up to leave to end the conversation and H still talking "I really didn't want this to get ugly, please promise me that we'll be honest to each other through this process." I just informed him that he can expect to be served the papers within a few weeks or so and that if he could tell me when/where would be convenient when that time comes. H "Please know that I really am sorry." AFG "Ok." and go to my room.

Few minutes later H comes knocking on my bedroom door with tears streaming down his face. "I'm not done. Can we talk some more?" and wants to come into my bedroom to talk. I say we can talk in the living room and go out there with him. Sit down and talk for long time. Highlights of the convo were that H said point blank that he does miss me. Doesn't miss everything from our R but there are many things that he does miss. During our R he felt pressure from me and everyone else around him to be someone he isn't or that he wasn't good enough and never would be good enough. That everyone still looked at him as the guy with the porn problem that cheats on AFG and that he got those negative vibes still from most everyone even though he was trying so hard. Before he decided to end our R he was in the best place as far as trying for our R and it was coming from the most pure place in his heart and the most honest he'd ever been. H felt that when he would call me I wasn't happy to hear from him. I gave better responses to my mom and my brothers and my friends when they would call than I gave to him. When he would try to touch me and be affectionate I would constantly brush him off and whatever else I was doing was more important. When we would try to make plans to go places it was always a struggle because I would let my anxiety take over instead of just relaxing and enjoying the time we were spending together. H was sorry if he didn't ever make me feel like I was pretty, or special, or good enough to him as well. And H never cared about what other people thought when we were together. H basically just decided he had had enough and things were never going to get any better between us. We had tried and failed too many times and it was best to just get out. I just listenend intently and continued to validate his feelings throughout the entire convo with "I'm sorry you felt that way...that must have really sucked for you...I hear and understand what you're saying...I'm so sorry you had to experience that...I wished I would have known that's how you were feeling...etc."

H gets up and comes over to me again and says "I'm so sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to." and I stand up to leave and H tries to hug me and won't let me walk around him. I just said "I can't right now. I want to, but I just can't hug you right now." H "Then just let yourself if you want to." AFG "No, please just understand that I can't right now, maybe in the future, but please respect my personal boundary on this." H backs away and says "Ok." The convo got back to the divorce process and I again said that I'm not prepared to make any negotiations with him at this point, we'll cross that bridge when it comes. I start walking to my room and ask H "Is that all?" H with tears still streaming "No, that's not all. But it will have to wait." AFG "What? You can tell me now." H "No, it will wait." AFG "Ok." and go back in my room again.

I leave to go to the grocery store and H is out in the garage in his truck on the phone when I left. I called MIL to vent about what happened during our talk. At this point I'm in the grocery store and still crying, but didn't care at all, which is COMPLETELY unlike me. Settle down and get back home and start putting groceries away. H comes into kitchen and sits down at kitchen bar and hesistantly says "I know it doesn't matter, but what did you think of her?" AFG "I don't know that I could answer that question very tactifully." H "Just say it." AFG "All I can say is that I have to seriously question a person's character would be willing to come here knowing what the situation is." H "Whose character are you questioning, her's or mine?" AFG "Actually, both." H "If I had thought it was going to hurt you like it did, I wouldn't have done it." AFG "How could it not have hurt me?" H "All I can say I guess, is that it was completely selfish of me to do that. It was totally selfish. I just didn't think you cared anymore." We then talk for about another hour and a half with mostly H opening up more and more about our R and the things that went wrong in his eyes. The more I validated, the more he would open up, which I don't think I'd ever experienced from him like that before. H also said that he wishes that we would have just stayed on track with our goals and not be where we are now, this is not where he wanted to be or where he thought we would end up. I told H I wished I would have known better what I could have done to let him know that I love him or to help him feel loved and wanted by me. H said "You know me. Just simple, little things. Come snuggle with me and cuddle with me on the couch. Kiss me or touch me when you walk by me. Don't shrug me off or complain that you're too hot or feeling too smothered." Funny, I noted while he was saying these things he talked in the present tense. It also completely verified what I found out not that long ago when I did the LL quiz for him, that physical touch is his primary love language (words of affirmation, secondary, also correct) and I wasn't giving that to him and now OW is.

The only threshold that continued to be kept by him, was that of full admission as to what he is doing right now as far as his addiction. H continues to try and play off his R with OW as a real R instead of a component of his addiction and tried to tell me that he feels he is in a better place with it now and more in control of himself. Funny thing is, that while he was saying specifically those things I saw him trying to gauge my response to what he was saying more, almost like an attempt to look inside me and see if I was buying what he was saying or had convinced me as much as he had convinced himself that what he was saying was the truth. I never gave up my info that I really know who/what she is and while he did bring up that he thinks it was me in his email, I never gave him confirmation of it. This is the absolute hardest part for me, because of his addiction. With addiction, those who care usually intervene when they find out the true elements of the addicts behavior. And this is what I have done always in the past when I have discovered what was going on behind the scenes. H would have an awakening and would want to get help and would follow through for a short period of time and then just try to maintain himself and fall back again and the pattern and cycle just kept repeating. This time I have not intervened, nor confronted/carefronted H with any of the discoveries I have made. I have let H continue with what he is doing in thinking that I and everyone else don't know the real story and I don't know if that is the right way to handle this or not.

While I was getting ready to head back to my bedroom for the night, H had the last words of the convo with looking me straight in the eye once again and saying "I am truly sorry for hurting you." I showed a lot of emotion and cried through most of the night while we were talking. It seemed like H really responded as well with his own outpouring of emotion. I know with all my being that H saw and felt the true hurt and pain on my face about what he had done. And I got to see the window into his soul, his true self emerge again, even if only for a brief time. I feel like it was some of the best communicating we have ever done.

Thursday - I woke up still emotionally unglued. Cried through most of the day at work. I did send H a text (the first text I have sent him since probably August). My text to H -"This message is not intended to get a response back from you, but rather just something I want you to know and you will hopefully carry with you. - I know I was not able to physically hug you last night, but please know, that even despite all my hurt and pain, and throughout the reality and acceptance that our journey together has ended, my heart has still been hugging you everyday...((((<3))))".

H had explained on Wed night that he wasn't going to feel comfortable being here anymore and would probably not be here as much. I said I understood. So, I got home from work and pulled myself together emotionally. Went in the kitchen and started making dinner. H was around but no convo between us. Then H came out from computer room and started making a little small talk and then went and watched TV. I was surprised he was hanging around as I had fully expected him to be packing up to leave or to be going to the gym. I finished dinner and went and looked at H and said with a smile and said "There's food ready if you would like some." H went and got some food and sat in living room on the couch while I sat adjacent at dining room table (maybe 8 ft. away). We started talking about a funny movie that we both had seen and liked and just laughing together (something else H had mentioned during Wed night convo that he missed about me). And then watching tv together. I cleaned up the kitchen and went in my bedroom while H was back in the office on his computer. I left my door fairly open and H came in to ask me about getting himself a new laptop. We talked about them and then looked up some options on my computer in my bedroom and then he left. I showered and got ready for bed. Went to kitchen and H came in from garage with phone on his ear and headed straight to his bedroom.

Little while later while I was in bed I heard H out on the couch snoring. Then I had a question burning inside of me that I got brave enough to go out and ask him. I tapped him on his leg and he woke up, startled but then I just smiled at him and he smiled back. AFG "I'm sorry to wake you up, but I have a question to ask you and it can't wait until later." H sleepily waking up "Ok." H moves his legs over and AFG sits down on couch next to H. AFG "I'm prepared for any answer you might give and that it might hurt my feelings, but I really want you to be honest. Do you miss being with me?" H "Yes, there are things that I miss about being with you." AFG "I meant Do you miss being with me sexually?" H smiles "Oh, you meant about sex?" AFG "Yes." H "Yes. Yes I do miss that too. Why?" AFG getting teared up "I just wanted to ask because it's on my mind a lot. And I wonder if that was also one of the things that you hated in our R or that wasn't good for you as well." H "No that wasn't one of the things that I hated. Yes, I do miss it." AFG "Ok, thank you for answering that for me. Good-night." and I went back to bed. H slept on the couch.

Friday - Get home from work. H gets home from work we both say pleasant "Hey" to each other in the kitchen at the same time. H gives me a sip of his new flavor for workout shake. I put dishes away while he is folding his laundry and we are just chatting. H goes to his room and starts packing his stuff and rolls his weekend bags into kitchen while I am juicing some lemons. H asks me what I'm making and we had an exchange where he laughed at me like old times. I then had to leave the kitchen before he could see my face because the tears were just welling up and I didn't want to have to watch him walk out the door and leave. I stayed in my room crying silently until he left which seemed like took him forever (almost like he was waiting for me to come back out).

All of my feelings and emotions for him have come back in full force and I don't know how to get myself picked back up again. I wish they would all just go away because this feels like the bomb just got dropped on me yesterday and I'm having get over him all over again.