Women with HD...is it true or just situational?

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

And, like it or not, a component of the lack of tension between us has to do with my being able to get my physical sexual needs met by other means. And if any of you think that's terrible and lamentable, and all that, well, I can tell you it's not cancer. And I know what that's like and it's not even close.

When I read what you write about your experiences, it isn't like my life is being reflected by someone else's experience. It's more like someone having a parallel experience. You've made one choice that I haven't and in the context that you have presented I completely understand.

It' is not like you have not taken many, if not all, the steps. We are surrounded by people of eternal optimism (and disbelief) as if we can force our spouses to change themselves. We are told to "work on ourselves" to improve ourselves (in the hope that will change our spouses view of us) though we have evidence that it makes "no difference." The challenge you and I and others like us face is that the promise of who we would be in the marriage and how that would look and play out in the marriage has been broken (and not by us).

We did not expect that breakage and had we known it, no matter how attractive and how much we liked our future spouses before we got married, if we had known if was going to turn out this way, we most likely would not have made the choice to get married to them. In referring to marriage fidelity, I've seen Chris Matthews refer to it as saying "for the rest of your life, you can have steak. But that's all you can have." In our case, it has gone to "you cannot have steak any longer." Ultimately, we feel lied to, as if it were all part of a grand deception.

Your last paragraph is particularly instructive, however. Though I've always had the capacity to separate what was actually happening from my own (and others) interpretation to maintain some constructive view of the situation, there is an added layer that your last paragraph suggest that I haven't given much weight to.

As a cancer survivor, I know my view of life was dramatically altered by the diagnosis. People handle that diagnosis and view of their own mortality differently. Some people hide in fear, others throw everything away because they perceive they've lived they lie long enough, and others shine and see what and who they really value, even in the face of imperfection. I don't know what your own experience was, but I was confronted both by wonder and awe in who I was in the face in my own diagnosis, extreme discomfort by others who did not like confronting mortality so directly, and even fear (of loss).

Whatever the circumstances, the experiences alters your perceptions forever (and maybe the perceptions of those around you). It appears that in your case, as in mine, it added to your view of life and gives it a realistic and pragmatic approach. I would not wish a cancer diagnosis on anyone any more than I would wish their spouse to cheat on them while claiming fidelity to the marriage. But I know, as do you, that it changes everything in a way that those who never deal with it cannot understand. It reminded me that the experience of cancer is another reason to gently tell those who say we know there is a choice we have to make, or we know what it is and we are putting it off, they simply do not know what they are talking about.

I thought it best to let you know that I, for one, am not confused and appreciate your reporting on what you've done, what your life has become, and how you've approached it.

Thank you for your sharing.

The Captain