But I do know the very fact that she could say that so rankles that..... Well you know.
So the pain and yukkiness you feel is not for you but for the little ones! You hurt for them and lets hope they never know their mum said that or even thought that !
Oh, BS! Of course she decided her happiness was more important than the childrens', than yours, than anybody's. That's her. You know it. Surely she didn't just grow a second head! She must have been this way for a long time. You've just been kidding yourself.
@Gypsy - that's a posting that rocks. Thanks for that.
We've done some fun stuff so far - christmas tree shaped jellos, snowman cakes, DIY decorations.
Part of the problem is that I've sort of cycled back to those early post-post-Bomb Shock feelings, but can't find the time or space to let them run themselves out. I'm not doing any of those maladaptive non-DB behaviors, mind you--not doing any DB'ing, either--just experiencing that immediate sense of anger-grief-loss-confusion. I'm not even taking much from my as-usually swell interactions with Miss Someone. I don't expect it to last, but it definitely sucks to be "back" in that way. And seeing Themselves struggle I inevitably hear echoing in my head those WAWords from the Bomb: "I decided my happiness is more important than the kids'."
I don't know that she still feels that way, or whether in fact she ever felt that way - it's not my place to mind-read, excuse, or guess. But I do know the very fact that she could say that so rankles that..... Well you know.
Ah, the cycling. Yet another way to Embrace the Suck. I've found that the smallest, most unanticipated triggers (grocery shopping, for God's sake) can set off a cycling and throw me a few steps backward into feelings I thought I had worked thru. It's grief--and it requires working thru at a zillion levels. It gives you the opportunity to look at your loss, and feel your loss, from a different perspective each time. It still sucks big time, but it represents progress in a weird way. And there's no trigger quite like the holidays, nor watching your children struggle because of a parent's self-serving choices. Interestingly, you'll get blasted and 2x4'd on here for wallowing in it--but wallow we must. Not to wallow and feel the anger-grief-loss-confusion means getting stuck there for longer periods of time, and nobody wants that. The only way out of it is through it.
As for whether or not she meant it when she said her happiness was more important than her children's--yeah, she did. Somehow they get to a point in their mental gymnastics where that actually makes sense to them. For my xH, one of the statements was that in jettisoning his life and cleaving to his "soulmate," he was "living into his truth." Peculiar chaplain-esque jargon aside, it felt hugely rejecting--like his life with me was a lie. However, 18 months later, I recognize how deeply "true" it is--his true self is narcissistic, immature, and self-serving. Anything more than that that I had expected from him was, indeed, a lie. The midlife crisis or whatever the h*ll happened internally just removed whatever brakes he had on his selfishness. Same with the soon-to-be-former-Mrs.-Smiley: whatever "diagnosis" fits her life-changing process, the chain is off whatever dark and creeping being had been living under some rocky ledge inside. Freed to roam about and wreak havoc in everyone's lives while she feels good and fulfilled and entitled to be doing it. There ought to be a DSM-IV category for whatever mental derangement this is--it's such a syndrome, such a pattern, and so destructive to themselves (and Themselves) that it deserves study and treatment.
Does she currently feel that her happiness is more important than anyone else's? Who knows. Maybe, maybe not; maybe she'll grow out of that. The critical issue is that at one point it was, and it set off a whole waterfall of consequences for everyone else. Some would say she wasn't in her right mind when she said/felt/did all that, and that may be true. I've kinda come to believe that my xH was most authentically and honestly being himself. Much about my sitch is atypical, but just thought I'd share my perspective in case it might prove helpful.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
To have so many care for you.. and encourage with support and 2x4's is a beautiful thing.
As you mourn the loss of your marriage consider that it's the loss of what you hoped you'd had. The reality is far different. I had to keep reminding myself that the former spouse was not my friend, that he did not have my or the kids best interests at heart. Quite contrary to how I'd always perceived him.
It's a multiple front war.. the emotions, coming to terms with your divorcing spouses actions, the reality of its effects on your children.. and of course, the financial, business aspect of it all.
What others told me would be true, was. Close loving 2x4 wielding family members kept telling me to get it over with, that life would be better out of the limbo land of the divorce process. And it was.. unfortunately no cash reserves and a bucket of debt. But it was better for me and the kids although in my mind severing a family is the worst thing possible. And I thought I could wait him out for a better deal but he pulled the crazy card and I folded.
Be all business, no emotion, on the legal end. Know your goals, what's crucial, what you can give on.
Your divorcing spouse is only happy when it's all about her. Your burning sausages, setting emotional boundaries rattle her but not enough to stop the emotional blackmail she oozes.
Here's a concept. Let her be unhappy. You don't need to prop her up. That's probably more of a 'feel good' thing for her while keeping you firmly attached to the hook. You know fish and fisherman. The fishie thinks life's a beautiful thing until the angler reels it back in. Keep the:
If it feels right, do it. If it feels wrong, don't. If you can't decide or waffle, don't.
It's not your job to fix her, be there for her 'for the kids'. It's very hard to let go of the place that spouse has in your heart. But guess what.. you're the only one carrying that burden. She's gone, has been and will be.
Divorce begins in the mind. Divorce her. She is the mother of your children... period. You two have an uneasy partnership whose focus is the kids.. period. Kids live what they learn. If they see that emotional manipulation works, that's what they'll do. If they see that cutting through BS works, they'll do that to. I'd remind myself when things got really tough that doing things right showed the kids far more than I could ever say.
And I tell you, the past week I've been overjoyed in seeing how my kids react to situations. They're wonderful, thriving.. and the impossible.. sharing things with me. For a moment I thought.. this is what the former spouse lost. These intangible moments when the kids turn to someone who loves them unconditionally for the good and the tough. And I'm there for them.. no longer sobbing over the damage being done to my children over the divorce. Just living my life as best I can, as their mom, sitting on my hands instead of fixing, letting them ask instead of just doing it.
Treating them with respect. Respecting me.
Stop looking at the ground and find the horizon.
It's worth it.
*hugs*
PS.. and this post was probably as much for me as you.
@Lotus -- While it's true that WAW has always been herself, it hadn't ever been laid quite so bare before. Perhaps it's part of her new sexual persona ("I'm over 40, I've been in a committed relationship for over 20 years; I've earned the right to share my body with whomever I want, whenever I want") that she lays things so bare (pun regrettably intended).
For me it was always about the partnership, though I obviously conceptualized of that term differently than she did; for me, she had 100% of her Professional Working Woman skillset and only 25% or so of the Mom skillset (which she would probably agree to, btw, so I'm not being mean or anything).
I on the other hand had 100% of the Creative Thinking Guy skillset and 75% of the Dad skillset (still can't make those friggin' newspaper hats ). But I also had -- critically -- the missing 75% of the Mom skillset as well (my lack of origami-like facility with newsprint notwithstanding, I can make a wicked bundt cake ).
So to me that meant she contributed her 100% Self and I contributed my 100% Self and together we made a 100% Parenthood Self, and that 300% = 100% of couplehood. So her innate selfishness had an offset in me, in other words -- and therefore didn't bother me. She could be selfish, since I was there to pick up the Kid'ly slack. Apparently I was wrong. I was supposed to be 100% Self, 100% Professional Achiever AND pick up the parenting slack. Stupid me.
@hoosiermama -- I suspect you Speak Truth. But g*dd*m that's a Suck to be Embraced, ain't it? I feel like Geoffrey Lewis in "High Plains Drifter" ( YouTube @2:07). [BTW, I'm running the 500 Mini-Marathon.]
@Gypsy -- I'm not looking at the ground, have no fear (we used to march and sing, "ain't no point in looking down, ain't no discharge on the ground"). I managed to get up at the prescribed time this morning, carefully read and edited my lawyer's proposed settlement offer, knocked some things off my to-do list, offered some supplications to Ganesh just to keep the bases covered, and am feeling somewhat more mojolated today.
Definitely need to get back on the GAL wagon, which I sort of fell off after the Big Midwestern City Marathon. Tomorrow the local mall has a "Jingle Bell 5-K," so I think I'll show up for that. I need to get back to my fencing club as well, but it's closed for the winter break so that'll be a Jan 10 GAL. I'm going to do a little home improvement today -- put in a closet organizer for the front hall closet, which has historically been a mess, and a low-flow shower head in the kids' bathroom to save $, so that'll be a sense of accomplishment as well.
Basically I need to be a DB'er again, for my own sake. Gets you out of your head which is a place I spend entirely too much time anyway.
Something that worked for me with kidlings and front closets..
Hang a multiple shoe pocket organizer on the inside door. In the winter time it held gloves, hats, scarves, etc. per child per pocket. In the summer it had sunblock, sunglasses and the like. Sniff sniff.. I miss it.
). But I also had -- critically -- the missing 75% of the Mom skillset as well (my lack of origami-like facility with newsprint notwithstanding, I 
).