NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

Just journalling, venting, whatever.

Just back from D's Xmas concert.

It was a good concert but it just brought back some really happy and now sad memories.

This time last year W and I had no contact with D at all. We went to D's Xmas Concert at school though and at the end, when D was on stage, My W shouted 'Wooooo, come on D' and that was simply for one thing ... to let D know we were there. See she didn't know we were coming as we couldn't get to speak to her to tell her. Afterwards D told us that she knew we were there because she heard my W shouting for her. After D came off stage, D's grandparents were around her like a body guard and we couldn't get to see her. So we just left.

That memory has always stayed with me. That act of shouting so loudly to let your step-D know that you are there for her. It just said a lot of things in that one gesture. Her love for step-D, her love for me, and her support for me in the difficult sitch we found ourselves in. I will never forget that. THAT is the W I married. THAT behaviour is the reason I married her. This new and 'improved' W would never do that.

That's what upset me today.

I did think that W would maybe be there today and I would have been mad if she had. But, I'm also sad that she wasn't. I WANT her to fight me on this. I WANT her to stand up and shout 'Woooo, come on D' when D is on stage again in defiance of me. I WANT her to do these things. I'll be mad, but I will have a lot of respect for her. A lot more than I have now.

But she didn't come.

A year ago my W stood up for me and her against what was being done today. Today, she has removed herself completely from D's life. It hurts and it's upsetting.

Its this, the lies she has told, her family abandoning D and me, the complete separation of our lives and her cowardly attitude that makes me think that recovering this M would be a task on the scale of something too big for her to handle. It would be far easier for her to walk away and start again.

Another thing that was brought home to me today. Looking at the little Primary 1 and Primary 2 kids (5 and 6 years old) just made me think how nice it would have been if me and W were sat there watching our son or daughter (we had been trying for 9 months before she left). It brought home to me that loss too. Whether I have kids or not with somebody else isn't the point, I always wanted them with her. She was a great mother ... right up to the point she abandoned her step-D. Maybe it's the FOG, and I do get that (even though I'm not sure she's in it) but how do you forgive something like that?

I've forgiven the leaving me and D. I've forgiven the sex with OM. I've even forgiven her lies to him about me being violent. I've forgiven the lies to me from her. I've forgiven most of it. I am having real difficulty forgiving her unwillingness to keep her step-D. Maybe it will come. I don't know.

Two things I've experienced today - deep hurt for W abandoning step-D. Deep love for my W and her ability to stand up and stick two fingers up at the world and fight for D. Contradictory. Yes. Why? I don't know. That is what causing me some angst today.

It at least tells me I still deeply love W. That I was really beginning to question.

Thanks again for this forum. I'd be in a whole other place without it.

Just another sad day here. I know I'm cycling. I just want to get this out and on here.