Time for a new thread - my old thread is Divorce Pending but briefly my sit is that I am 56 and WAW is 47 (til Nov). Wife dropped the bomb on August 8 and I found DR and starting DBing in Mid Sept. By then WAW had filed for Divorce and in Ga an uncontested Divorce can be final in as little as 30 days. I was lucky that the Final hearing was set for 2 months away which gave me a month from the time I started DBing til the final hearing. Unfortunately, according to DR since I was married for 2 years I would likely need 2 months to successfully DB. Well I came close in that just before the final hearing she said she was having second thoughts and was really doing some positives things that were totally absent right after (and looking back, just before) the Bomb. However, close only counts in horse shoes and she chose to go through with the D and it was final on Oct 14.
We did plan to get together right after the hearing and take a drive in the North Georgia mountains and just talk. She was late coming home from the hearing and I was waiting for her at her place. She had an emergency task to do for one of her clients (she is an independent commercial insurance agent) but that only took about 15 minutes and we were on our way. Before we even left the driveway she started crying and I gave her a hug. Since we left around 3pm we did not have enough time to go very far so we just went to a Mexican Restaurant and had a good talk. It was hard to not talk about the D and what led to it but we tried to keep the conversation light and we were having a lot of fun just talking. I had brought my digital camera to show her some of my pictures from my last weekend camping trip and we were having a good enough time that I asked the waiter to take a picture of us. We each had a margarita with our meal so we did not drive right away but instead walked down the strip mall and found a gift shop to look through. I noticed that she was looking a small wind chime that had a chrome platted egg shape metal lattice thing with 4 purple crystal stones in the decorated part that attached to the wind chimes part. The whole thing was only about 8 inches tall but was really pretty. Knowing she really liked purple I bought it for her and told her it was a gift to celebrate the first day of the rest of our lives - we had already toasted that with the margaritas. I did tell her thought, that I was not going to get her everything she picked up and looked at. As I was checking out, Cindy was just out of sight looking at some other things and I told the check out lady to be real careful with the chime as it was for someone very special and she asked who, I and pointed to Cindy and said that lady. At the time, I did not know if she heard me or not but she later told me she had and thanked me.
We then left and were walking back when she mentioned that her son 26, who had just come back from the Army (Afghanistan) was having some relationship problems with his girlfriend and she knew that I had been reading self help books and wanted my recommendation of a book that she could get for him. The only ones that I knew of were DR, DB and the 5 Love Languages. All of which I recommended. She said that they were not married yet and wondered about DR and DB but I told her the books are about building Relationships and would be a good read for anyone that wants to really develop a loving relationship. She then asked about 5LL and I gave her a quick oral book review of it and we could not help but apply some of the languages to our sit and I told her that I sensed that she was a quality time person and may be a secondary touch (altho she does like the other 3 as well, too) I told her that while it was possible for a couple to do the same thing at the same time and at the same place to really not do it together and that was what I was going to work on with her.
As we were leaving the parking lot of the restaurant she suggested that we go to a local dam and set by the lake for a few minutes. It was a little cool and we both had on shorts but we went and sat on a big flat rock on a small jetty in the lake and we sat and talked for almost an hour. I had started giving her a back and neck rub and she let me for almost 20 minutes when she said it was getting intense and got up. We then went back to the car but on the way back she did take my had some. We then went to a movie (Under the Tuscan Sun - she later said she did not know it was about divorce and said she really appreciated that I did know and did not want to leave) During the movie she would shift in her seat some and quite often would put her hand on my knee, hold my hand or lean against me some. Earlier after the gift shop I had mentioned that I might be a touch person as my primary love language and it could be that she was responding to that.
After the movie I took her home and talked some more in the driveway. She told me that even though she had earlier said that she could not tear down her WAW brick wall that she would now try but that it would talk a long time. I told her that I knew that and that rebuilding trust and faith in each other could not happen over night but that when we first started building trust in each other we had fun dating and getting to know each other and that we can again have fun with each other while rebuilding that trust again. As I was getting ready to leave she asked if she could kiss me on the cheek and give me a hug. Of course I did not say no. But after the hug we talked for about another minute and I gave her another tighter, more feeling hug which she seemed to respond to and as we broke away our faces were very close and I just gave her a lip on lip kiss, I did not hold her tight though so that if she felt it was too much she could pull back some, BUT SHE DID NOT PULL BACK, she kissed me back. I did pull back after about 10 to 15 seconds though, I wanted to not do too much and wanted her to want more. She told me to give her a call when I got home so she could be sure I was safe. Later in the call she thanked me for all we did that afternoon and for her wind chime and especially for her back rub.
I think that even though she did go through with the D, which is something I felt that she felt that she had to do to get rit of all the hurt that a WAW builds up over the years, that we are now on the track to rebuilding our R.
Well this is getting long and I do need to get to work, I am glad that I am here in piecing rather than surviving the big D. But I will need the help and support of all the BB members to keep on track and then move to the KLA areas (which I believe, and I told W, should be for the rest of my life) ODGA
Now that I have staked my claim to #1 (adopted Texan after all), I can post a bit more. I am a bit sorry that your W did go through with the D, but as I told you before it is only a piece of paper. You can build a stronger M for both of you now that the old one is officially over on paper.
Your post-court trip was simply awesome. I really think your W appreciates you and it really looks very promising. You are right to think she may have seen the D as one step in the recovery process. I have toyed with the idea of divorcing my H so that we could start over again, but he tends to think of D as an end not a beginnig (family issues at work there).
Anyway, welcome to Piecing. This is where you belong.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
How wonderful for you! Even thought the D went through, it seems that maybe it was more of closure on the old relationship and you are now free to start a new R... new and better!
Thanks for the welcome to piecing Opt and Water - In reading some threads several weeks ago I noticed one that I liked and copied it to my journal - I do not know who posted it or who the poster was responding to but it seemed to hit me squarly on all fours. “D is not the end of your M. You can still start a new life and a better M with your ex W. Treat her like your best friend, and date her like a new girlfriend. Bryan is right. I think your W still has a deep feeling for you. Act as if she is a new girlfriend, you know best how to win your W heart back.” I then looked at, then tailored my goals to get her back rather than stop the D.
As a WAW she has build up lots of pain and hurt over the last year or so. While I believe that she felt that she had to go through with the D to dump her hurt and pain I do not believe that she filed with the idea of starting fresh with me. Although there might have been a sub-conscious desire to get back together, (she always wanted to stay friends) I feel that she thought that we would not stay together and it would be the end. I do not believe she imaged that I would DB as hard as I did. That has caught her by surprise and I have noticed a lot of shifting of her future plans as a result. I am starting to hear her include me in some of these plans. (I.E. future cruise, going with me to a convention in Boston next year., etc.) Although she says she is still not ready to think about going away with me for a weekend or so now she said she is open to that idea later if things keep going as they are. Also her saying that she felt that she can start to tear down that WAW brick wall is very promising.
I will keep DBing as hard as I can as I feel that it is a life long process. Need to re-read DR and redefine my goals as they relate to piecing. One goal continues the same though - hear ILY again. However another one - to see her really smile again happened yesterday several times and I got it on my camera. (I had taken my Digital camera with me, to show her photos of my camping trip, but in reality to have it just in case there was a good photo opt.) She seemed to like being in front of the camera so that is something I will try to do more of. She does make a good photo subject. I also need to re-read 5LL. If anyone has any ideas on any other books that I can learn from on my piecing then please let me know.
Opt - I do not see filing for D as a DB technique. While it can be a good 2x4 to whop your spouse upside the head with to get their attention, I feel that there must be another way to do that though, remember it takes one to tango.
Thanks again for the welcome and I will keep posting.
Sorry, Bob. I did not explain myself well on that. What I meant is that when I filed for D (remember in the aftermath of finding out for real my H had had an A with his office manager for 5 years and had been denying it all along) I did it convinced that it was final. As things improved in our sitch I started to have hope but was (and let's face it I still am) afraid to trust again. I came to think of D as a 'cleansing' of our R; doing away with our old M and maybe finding a new and better R between both of us. But my H viewed D as a final step, so I stopped the procedures and have been on hold since.
Sorry for the confusion. I was only trying to say that your W may well think now of the D as 'away with the old hurts', but an opportunity for a new beginnig.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Well folks - I am kinda down today - even though I was upbeat and happy, it seems that yesterday the IM and the later phone call (from me to her) was more in the tone of an Ex-wife, rather than a new girlfriend. I guess that this can be expected though as she is still on her roller coaster ride too. I was thinking of some of what she was saying Tuesday afternoon in our talks and was wondering if anyone has any comments on it.
She told me that she had gone to Johnnie’s Hideaway (a local singles bar that caters to the late thirties to mid fifties crowd) the other night and just sat and watched the Tennessee / Georgia football game. She said she did not talk with other guys altho several did approach her and seemed disappointed that she did not go home with them. She asked me if I was upset with her for doing that. I told her no - and hoped that she had had a good time. She also talked about the upcoming sister trip cruise. She said that this would be the first cruise without me and wanted to know if I was upset that she was going on the cruise. Again I said that I think the sister trip is very good and I hope she will have fun.
Although it is just the day after, I wonder if the reality of the final order has started to set in with her.
When she dropped the bomb, she made the statement that she wanted her house back. (I had sold my house and moved in with her when we were married) She is still talking about when I get the rest of my stuff out of her house. This kinda makes me feel that she is just thinking about a R in which we may never get back together again.
She also stated that she picked up on some of my hints in the physically intimacy area and told me that some of the Anti-Depressants had dulled her libido and sexual drive. She said the Dr told her to keep taking them through the holidays but she did remind me that she would not be on them forever.
Quote: She told me that she had gone to Johnnie’s Hideaway (a local singles bar that caters to the late thirties to mid fifties crowd) the other night and just sat and watched the Tennessee / Georgia football game. She said she did not talk with other guys altho several did approach her and seemed disappointed that she did not go home with them. She asked me if I was upset with her for doing that. I told her no - and hoped that she had had a good time. She also talked about the upcoming sister trip cruise. She said that this would be the first cruise without me and wanted to know if I was upset that she was going on the cruise. Again I said that I think the sister trip is very good and I hope she will have fun.
Sorry you are down. But I actually find it encouraging she is asking you those questions. You know her better than I do, but often when we ask questions like those we are asking for reassurance. Remember the questions about weight? If she did not care about what you thought of her dating or going away she would not be asking those: she'd be telling you.
So, the answer to those questions in female speak is:'Honey I am glad you are enjoying yourself but I sure miss you and wish I had been on that bar to flirt with you myself'
I know, we do not make sense
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Opt - you have a good posting name - and your reply is very true - I just replied to Randy in "piecing after Divorce"
Quote: Randy - I just read some of your thread and picked up on a point Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
she doesn't show hardly any affection and really nothing physical.She says it's the AD's
Your Wife may be correct about the AD's - My wife (now ex-wife as of Tuesday - guess I will have to get use to that) told me that her Doctor told her that the ADs will cause her to loose emotional and sexual drive. She did say though that the Dr told her she should be off of them after the holidays. Keep DBing so that when she gets off of the AD's you will be there and ready. ODGA
and I have to take the same advice myself - to be here when she is ready - I am just thankful that on the low points of my roller coaster ride I have the thread to come to. ODGA
Quote: Your Wife may be correct about the AD's - My wife (now ex-wife as of Tuesday - guess I will have to get use to that) told me that her Doctor told her that the ADs will cause her to loose emotional and sexual drive.
ODGA: Just want to say that I've been following your sitch and my prayers are with you that things fall into place for you.
About the ADs, I started on them two weeks ago and about a week ago I noticed my sex drive had all but disappeared. Brought this up with my Dr. yesterday and he concurred. This, for me, is so ironic because H & I are in C to try and overcome our (used-to-be) vastly different drives. I was HD and he was LD. Now, it seems, I'm a LD, too. Not sure where to go from here.
My Doc did suggest something to boost desire, but I'm holding off for now. I'm about to leave for 2 wks on business, so it wouldn't do any good anyway. Have appt on Nov.5 and will take it up again with him then.
Have C appt this afternoon and it should be an interesting one as my H was *just* starting to get his drive back into High Gear.
