To have so many care for you.. and encourage with support and 2x4's is a beautiful thing.
As you mourn the loss of your marriage consider that it's the loss of what you hoped you'd had. The reality is far different. I had to keep reminding myself that the former spouse was not my friend, that he did not have my or the kids best interests at heart. Quite contrary to how I'd always perceived him.
It's a multiple front war.. the emotions, coming to terms with your divorcing spouses actions, the reality of its effects on your children.. and of course, the financial, business aspect of it all.
What others told me would be true, was. Close loving 2x4 wielding family members kept telling me to get it over with, that life would be better out of the limbo land of the divorce process. And it was.. unfortunately no cash reserves and a bucket of debt. But it was better for me and the kids although in my mind severing a family is the worst thing possible. And I thought I could wait him out for a better deal but he pulled the crazy card and I folded.
Be all business, no emotion, on the legal end. Know your goals, what's crucial, what you can give on.
Your divorcing spouse is only happy when it's all about her. Your burning sausages, setting emotional boundaries rattle her but not enough to stop the emotional blackmail she oozes.
Here's a concept. Let her be unhappy. You don't need to prop her up. That's probably more of a 'feel good' thing for her while keeping you firmly attached to the hook. You know fish and fisherman. The fishie thinks life's a beautiful thing until the angler reels it back in. Keep the:
If it feels right, do it. If it feels wrong, don't. If you can't decide or waffle, don't.
It's not your job to fix her, be there for her 'for the kids'. It's very hard to let go of the place that spouse has in your heart. But guess what.. you're the only one carrying that burden. She's gone, has been and will be.
Divorce begins in the mind. Divorce her. She is the mother of your children... period. You two have an uneasy partnership whose focus is the kids.. period. Kids live what they learn. If they see that emotional manipulation works, that's what they'll do. If they see that cutting through BS works, they'll do that to. I'd remind myself when things got really tough that doing things right showed the kids far more than I could ever say.
And I tell you, the past week I've been overjoyed in seeing how my kids react to situations. They're wonderful, thriving.. and the impossible.. sharing things with me. For a moment I thought.. this is what the former spouse lost. These intangible moments when the kids turn to someone who loves them unconditionally for the good and the tough. And I'm there for them.. no longer sobbing over the damage being done to my children over the divorce. Just living my life as best I can, as their mom, sitting on my hands instead of fixing, letting them ask instead of just doing it.
Treating them with respect. Respecting me.
Stop looking at the ground and find the horizon.
It's worth it.
*hugs*
PS.. and this post was probably as much for me as you.
