Libby, my kids were 15 and 13 when H left. He had very little to do with them and was impatient and short with them when he did see them. It was as if he was dropping his responsibilities as a Dad. He would make arrangements to visit them but would cancel or change the plans to suit himself. He didn't attend their school/sporting events. As time progressed he had a regular dinner night (at my suggestion) and would occasionally invite them for another activity but the invite was usually at the very last minute. (It was as if he would see how he felt and if he could cope with them)Often these activities were quite tense.
The kids learnt he wasn't reliable and had no expectations of him. They stopped contacting him, refused some of his invites and didn't bother with gifts. They often told him what they thought of him and various situations. They learnt to speak out and not just accept his cr$p.
I got involved at the beginning, trying to be the peacemaker and to right the wrongs. It was only when I stepped away from it all that H recognised that it was lonely without the kids and started to make moves to restore his relationship with them.
Now, 2 years on, they quite often go there for meals or just to visit and things seem to be much calmer and happier. He's back to being a Dad.
Like you I try to be peace maker but then H sabotages any plans and we are back to square one.
Over his birthday D21 and S13 tried to speak to him. He never answered his phone but left one line texts eventually in reply. I now know he was abroad with OW but I haven't told the children as they would be very upset.
He has also changed the christmas arrangements 4 times. He has gone from spending all day here to popping in on the 23rd or 24th Dec. I know this is because he is at the beck and call of OW but the kids feel let down. This is what breaks my heart.
I'll never completly understand why the men in MLC are so hard on their children.
In the ealry days H wouldn't answer his phone if he was with OW. He does now. It takes time for them to realise that the kids are very important and need to be treated as such. This will test your patience!
libby, They resent their children because they see that their children have all of the things that they didn't have at the same age. Usually, you will discover that he will favor one child over the other...that will come in time. Your h has to find his way and relearn how to communicate w/his children. After all, his mentality is that of a 10/12 year old.
You see the grown man's body of what was once your husband. Now, you need to learn to accept him for who he is right now...that young kid trying to grow up. It's difficult and it will take time to better understand the dynamics behind mlc, but if you read the postings in the archives, you will learn quite a bit.
Unfortunately, you are going to have to be the adult and both parents to your children for a while. Is it fair? No, but your children need stability and to know that you are there for them while their father is on the Mother Ship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the insight Snodderly and Cat. It is very interesting and I am learning all the time.
Interestingly I think his childhood issues come from being 9-13 years when he cared for his mother before she died and had a poor relationship with his father!
He is also favouring one child D19 who he lavishes more time and money on. He also communicates constantly with her but not so much with the others. Luckily the other 3 haven't caught on yet but I am sure they will in time!
One of the things my H used to say before he left was that the children always had more than him and that I would let them get away with things, particularly one son 16. He now has a difficult relationship with this son since he has gone to live with OW.
Hi Libby, My H was what considered to be very caring, hands-on Dad to our two girls. The first time he moved out he had a one-room apartment and invited them over for a sleepover. They hated his place and really didn't want to go spend time with him. The were hurt.
During that separation he asked me if we could have them spend a few nights a week at his place and my response was I thought the middle of the week during school would be hard for them, but the weekends might be better. He took that one response and thought I was keeping the girls from him. He withdrew contact, wouldn't call them on the weekends(he had an OW then)...really lost alot of ground with them.
When he moved back, things slowly got back to a kind of norm, but H was much harder on the girls than before-in tolerance of their teenager behavior.
Then we moved and things were a bit rockier..H has been moved out for 2 weeks now and texts the girls, wants to help with transportation..but thats it so far. He doesn't have a place to have them over to, since he's renting a room from his cousin. His relationship with D12 has been deeply harmed. She has alot of anger towards H and doesn't want to forgive him for leaving again..
I would try to be peacemaker during the first separation, I would "talk Dad up" and make excuses for him. Not this time. He needs to have his own relationship with them and heal it on his own. I'm trying not to mention H very much(a work in progress!)at home.
H needs to realize what he his missing and potentially losing in his move to D me. I won't stop him from having the girls part-time, but the truth is, at least one of them, doesn't want anything to do with him.
The good father he was is in there.. He's struggling with the adolescent right now.
Last edited by kjensen; 12/19/0903:33 PM.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Before H left I tried to get him to understand the trauma children go through psychologically with all this. All he kept saying was that they would adapt and then be ok.
Eldest D21 keeps asking him why he's not with me and won't accept OW. Their relationship used to be extremely close but is no damaged and H continues to damage it.
All the kids miss him dreadfully and would dearly like him to come home.
Both D21 and 19 are on AD and attending counselling. So much for them adapting. In some respects I wish they were more angry with him as it would give them an emotion to work with rather than the hopelessness they currently feel.
You are not dealing with rational people right now, so please stop trying to rationalize with him. Also, pointing out the trauma his leaving will create w/the children is actually creating more guilt within him, so he will shut you down. Of course, they all say that the children will be just find and get use to the idea.....they don't want to accept the consequences of their actions at this time. They are living in a fog of depression which creates the fantasyland that they are living in, which is called denial.
The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children. Get the assets in a safe place and be sure you take care of your finances. When they are in the crisis, nothing matters to them but themselves. It becomes the selfish me, me, and more me.
I'm glad to see that two of your children are in counseling. It's difficult on them because they really do not understand how a person flips so suddenly. Actually it is very gradual and then when the pressure becomes too much the switch is flipped completely.
If your h comes for the holiday, treat him as you always did. If he doesn't show up, it could very well be because he doesn't want to see the pain, hurt and disappoint in the eyes of his family, which in turn, will create a huge knot of guilt.
One thing, don't ever assume that they are happy...words and behavior can be deceiving. The eyes will say it all.
Thanks Snodderly you always give such strong advice.
I am worried about his businness as he is spend, spend spend at the moment. The business cannot take this financial pressure indefinately.Credit card companies are already ringing here to speak to him because there is not enough money in the bank to pay them!
Should I speak to him about it or let it ride and try and tie things upo securely my end to protect us if the worse should happen? I always pass on the messages to contact the credit card comapnny's when they ring.
Speaking to him about the business and the finances will go over his head. He will continue to do what he wants. YOU have to take the bull by the horns and get things squared away before it goes on any longer. You cannot rely on him for anything. The man you knew is gone!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
