Divorce mediation was last night. WAW's attorney was 10 min late.
Before, during and after the mediation, I was calm and confident. I received a glowing annual job review that morning and set a running date for Sat with a new friend that afternoon prior to the mediation. (I couldn't GAL any better beforehand). I actually made three harmless jokes.
WAW was very nervous beforehand.
WAW is a different person than the one I married. She tried (but failed) to hide her FEAR and HURT.
WAW's attorney noted that she is divorced and she has handled 2 divorce cases previously. WAW's attorney works full-time on staff of one of our state's US Senators and is an A on the side. WAW's attorney started off saying how she wants to avoid a courtroom and the expense associated with that. She was hoping for validation of her statement but received none from us.
I chose my A because she really good, a single Mom, and she is in court every day (family and criminal defense law), so she knows the inside of the local courts very well. I have been repeatedly told in my past business dealings that the best way to stay out of court is to be really good at being in court.
WAW "lost it" three times by yelling and demeaning me during the mediation. My A and I took a break each time. We walked out by the end of the first yelled sentence. I asked my A over and over during each break if I was being mean or vindictive, and she adamantly said no. My A said the anger my WAW is showing comes from the fact that the financial and other realities of her "new life" started to dawn on her.
Financial reality is my WAW makes $80/day as a substitute teacher and works, say, 2/3 of school days. She has the ability to get a full-time job in an adjoining district; she chooses to sub. at the school where OM also works as a teacher (yes, it's sick and wrong). So, we are holding out for no child support (WAW's Mom is a multi-millionaire and supporting her WAW lifestyle now).
Child support payments are de facto alimony in this case, and I do not want to support her WAW life.
We agreed to splitting all child-related costs 50-50 (except gifts).
We agreed that I will carry health ins. for S4 and S7-she pays 1/2 of incremental family premium and split deductibles, co-pays, etc.
She actually proposed that I pay all daycare costs (?). We agreed that each of us will pay our own childcare costs.
We agreed to 3-3-4-4 custody schedule. We agreed for who drives where for pickups and drop offs. We agreed on holidays and birthdays schedules.
WAW presumed she would be the "primary custodial parent" and her A presented all of these ways in which WAW would involve me in decisions. When her A stopped talking, I calmly looked at WAW and said that I would like to be the primary custodial parent and that I would extend those courtesies to WAW if I am named. WAW then launched into a long soliloquy about how she has been the primary custodial parent (does not even exist when married) for the past seven years. When she finished speaking, I validated her thoughts then calmly said I did not disagree with what she said with the exception that since March (when EA got started), her circumstances of her parenting have changed, and I reiterated my desire to be the primary custodial parent. I saw her nose go red, her nostrils flare repeatedly, and the tears begin. The hateful words started flowing and my A and I took a break.
We had to table discussion of how to pay for the house until sale and how the capital loss/gain will be shared. When the house discussion started, they stated what was in their draft dissolution documents, and I said I would offer them that same deal and WAW could have the house. I would quit claim it to her and pay closing costs for a mortgage in her name only. WAW blew up because we moved to <City> ... Didn't stay for the rest.
House disposition was tabled.
By now, WAW was completely rattled and reality was starting to sink in so I was an a#*hole personified.
WAW needs to get more belongings out of our house in order to get it ready to sell. I said I need to be there whenever she is in our house-it is my space. She was really upset and said I could not be there and she was going to take anything and it's her house too. I agreed (of course) that it is her house too but said I must be there. She did not want even my representative to be there when she was in our house. She launched again into a hateful diatribe about something, so my A and I took a break again.
My A was adamant that I was NOT mean or vindictive-WAW was just hitting the reality wall really hard for, really the first time. My A said WAW has lived a comfortable middle class life and now she can't see how she is going to make it.
I SO MUCH wanted to tell WAW that she could stop this D train, end her EA/PA, and not have any of this life she was then started to see. My A siad not to talk about that at all now. (I knew it too from DBing, but it was good to hear from A too).
The worst part of the whole night was that I didn't feel love one when I looked at her. I saw a sad WAW caught in a tornado of guilt, hurt, anger, immorality, betrayal, and forsaken mothering. I almost pitied her but for the hateful things she said.
Upon return, we agreed to end the mediation. WAW's A stated that ALL communication be through attorneys. That seemed ludicrous to me, so I asked WAW if she wants day-to-day communication about our boys to go through attornies because that seemed onerous. WAW's A said she did not say ALL communication, and she and I respectfully argued for a minute until my A told her that she did, in fact, say ALL communication. We agreed that communication about legal matters needs to go through our attorneys. Of course that's how it goes when one side lawyers up. I was told that on about day one of my professional career.
I met a new (since separation) W friend for two beers at a very nice place after the mediation. It was very fun. I got home at 10pm-maybe a record for this formerly boring LBH on a weeknight.
Posting here is a kind of catharsis. I would like to hear any comments, suggestions, or questions from anyone.
