Yes. Piecing is a minefield. You stepped on a landmine. This is not uncommon. Things cannot be swept under the rug. The affair existed. It was real and it affected both of you. If you try to pretend that it didn't exist, or that it didn't change you both, you will never get past it. So, my advice again, take a weekend. Go to Retrouvaille. Why? Because they have been through it. They have come through it successfully. And they will show you the way. You are Hansel and Gretel. You are lost in the forest. There is no trail of breadcrumbs. You can't just go back the way you came. There is a real problem in your marriage. Infidelity is not an accident. It doesn't pop out of nowhere and then go away. If you don't deal with the problem, how can you overcome it?
Who should apologize first? Why not just both apologize? Marriage is not a contest of who is right and wrong. It is negotiation, understanding, and cooperation. You have what it takes underneath. You love each other. But love is not enough. You need the skills to get along. The skills to speak honestly to each other without attacking and defending. You need what they will teach you in one weekend. If you go. www.helpourmarriage.org.
