DBing = Divorce Busting... hence the name of this website.
Based on the book with the same name by Michelle Wiener Davis (our host) The follow up / more updated version is called Divorce Remedy -- Go and buy it. This forum is based on both books.
Still piecing.... have my thread going on that forum.
Today was listening to some "old" music I found when digging out my Christmas music. Found one of my favorite songs by Rich Mullins and it spoke to me so much about what the last year has been like for me. Thought I'd post the lyrics in case it speaks to someone else as well:
If I Stand Rich Mullins
"There's more that rises in the morning Than the sun And more that shines in the night Than just the moon It's more than just this fire here That keeps me warm In a shelter that is larger Than this room
And there's a loyalty that's deeper Than mere sentiments And a music higher than the songs That I can sing The stuff of Earth competes For the allegiance I owe only to the Giver Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise That you will pull me through And if I can't let me fall on the grace That first brought me to You And if I sing let me sing for the joy That has born in me these songs And if I weep let it be as a man Who is longing for his home
There's more that dances on the prairies Than the wind More that pulses in the ocean Than the tide There's a love that is fiercer Than the love between friends More gentle than a mother's When her baby's at her side
And there's a loyalty that's deeper Than mere sentiments And a music higher than the songs That I can sing The stuff of Earth competes For the allegence I owe only to the Giver Of all good things
So if I stand let me stand on the promise That you will pull me through And if I can't let me fall on the grace That first brought me to You And if I sing let me sing for the joy That has born in me these songs And if I weep let it be as a man Who is longing for his home
And if I stand let me stand on the promise That you will pull me through And if I can't let me fall on the grace That first brought me to You And if I sing let me sing for the joy That has born in me these songs And if I weep let it be as a man Who is longing for his home
And if I weep let it be as a man Who is longing for his home
I'm moved over to the "piecing" forum now but had an incident tonight and I need help and advice please!
Very odd situation.... Today is the 22nd anniversary of our first date. H remembered that this a.m. and was very sweet about it, wishing me a "happy anniversary" before leaving from work. We didn't discuss any plans for the evening or anything, and I am still aware of DBing and not doing too much pursuing. I waited til about 2:00 and sent H a text asking how his day was going. I got a reply "good". No, "how was yours?" nothing else. But, I am aware H is still somewhat in the fog, it has only been a few weeks since A ended.
Nothing else all day, so made a nice supper assuming H would be home, as he has been since A ended. Just before 6:00 I get a call from the police saying they had a complaint of the driver of my H's car opening the car door and vomiting. Police asked is it possible my H has been drinking or has been ill? I'm terribly worried, he is not a drinker, so I say no. Give police his cell number so they can follow through. I call his cell first because I am so worried.
Now... one more detail I should provide.... the officer stated the complaint was made seeing his car on a particular street that I had wondered was a street OW lived on, but was never able to verify it. Now, there are many, many reasons for H to be driving on that street as it is a busy street that he would drive on a lot for a lot of different reasons. But... it triggered my fears.
So, when I called H my voice was shakey, I was upset.
RW: "ARe you ok?" H: "Yeah, why?" RW: "Where are you?" H: "At the mall, why?" RW: "I got a call from the police saying someone complained that the driver of your car was vomiting out the door." H: "What?" chuckles "Well I was using mouthwash and spit it out the door when I stopped at an intersection." (this is actually not unusual behavior for my H) RW: "Oh, ok.... well, I need to ask you because this is bothering me... did this have anything to do with OW?" H: "What?" voice raising, getting frustrated "Why would you ask that?" RW: "Because the police said you were on a certain street that I have wondered if OW lives on.." H: "What? She doesn't live on that street. Why would you think that?" Then there was a conversation about how a few months ago, in my investigating I googled OW's name and came up with that address for someone with the same first initial and same last name. H proceeds to puruse asking me why I would do that, what would I have done with that information, I could have gotten arrested etc. I then have enough, call him a few choice names and hang up.
This is 180 behavior for me. I don't name call and I don't hang up the phone.
Two hours go by. Nothing.
Finally I text that I feel he owes me an apology. I get a call that escalates again. The final point H makes is that for the past couple of weeks he has been giving me every reason to trust him, so why couldn't I trust him about this? I tell him this has only been a few weeks and it is not reasonable to expect that my trust is fully restored. This makes him very mad and we hang up mad again. He is going to some hockey game I guess... who knows when he will be home.
Well, this is our first major bump since reconciling. I knew it would come. Things were going very well. We have been talking, calm, working things out, ML, affectionate, etc. H has been owning and taking responsibility, apologizing, going to IC, etc.
But how do I respond? I feel that I have been very understanding, handling things very well considering everything I have been through. H has too. Is this a pride issue... who apologizes first? I don't think I should be pursuing, etc. ugh... I am upset right now and not thinking clearly so any advice is welcome. thanks!
Yes. Piecing is a minefield. You stepped on a landmine. This is not uncommon. Things cannot be swept under the rug. The affair existed. It was real and it affected both of you. If you try to pretend that it didn't exist, or that it didn't change you both, you will never get past it. So, my advice again, take a weekend. Go to Retrouvaille. Why? Because they have been through it. They have come through it successfully. And they will show you the way. You are Hansel and Gretel. You are lost in the forest. There is no trail of breadcrumbs. You can't just go back the way you came. There is a real problem in your marriage. Infidelity is not an accident. It doesn't pop out of nowhere and then go away. If you don't deal with the problem, how can you overcome it?
Who should apologize first? Why not just both apologize? Marriage is not a contest of who is right and wrong. It is negotiation, understanding, and cooperation. You have what it takes underneath. You love each other. But love is not enough. You need the skills to get along. The skills to speak honestly to each other without attacking and defending. You need what they will teach you in one weekend. If you go. www.helpourmarriage.org.
Thanks mo3 and Lotus. I am calmer now. Actually re-read some of my own sitch to remind myself how far I have come. Just debating whether to send H a text .. a peace offering of some sort.. or if that is pursuing? Or just wait til he comes home and hopefully we are both calm enough to just talk. That could be late and this whole thing has exhausted me. Lotus, H has so far been closed to the idea of Retrouvaille, although I think it's a great idea. Hopefully he will consider it down the road. Still not sure what to say.... gonna have to think on it some more
Rocked I had a similar situation happen the other night I asked H a simple question about one person I have a boundary about, (no A other issues) he started squirming so I dug a bit deeper and he got angry with me, not a full on row but he was trying to avoid the full on row and I was trying to state my boundary. Anyway my point is that even though we had a disagreement I left it as Ive said my piece and I understand yours and we have got through a disagreement we should be pleased about that and not what we argued about. With that he smiled laughed and said "ok mrs grumpy" and kissed me. I'd go with a "sorry I lost it but I still have good reason to be untrusting (not mistrusting) I dont want to turn into your own personal stalker by you telling me where you are going all the time but you must understand that some scenarios will make me wonder if its all happening again!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks Rabbit, We talked last night and came to an agreement that we are both still emotionally raw and it makes sense that things are going to set us off. I'm still miffed that he thinks I should be able to trust more easily and quickly than what I think is reasonable. He's still miffed that I reacted so strongly. I did apologize for what I should have... name calling and hanging up. He apologized for not understanding or validating my feelings. so, I guess that is that. We will be doing some family stuff today, so will work on a PMA and have fun.
Life goes on... part of the piecing roller coaster.
