how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[avermont]

Thanks, newmama, for chiming in. I was watching your thread, too, and it seems like a terribly difficult situation.

I would like to refute cutterbug's assertion that I have co-dependency issues. Intimacy and commitment issues? Oh, yeah, I own that 100%! and I'm working on it.

But all thru these 23 years I made it very clear, implicitly and sometimes explicitly (in ways that make me wince, now) that good old Aver was JUST fine on her own, no worries about me, no sir. I could just go off any old moment and not need anyone.

So, do I NEED him? No. But I love him dearly and deeply regret how I buried my true feelings, etc.

Now...as to our interactions...getting so much conflicting advice!

DB coach Laurie: mirror his tone.
Newmama: be consistent in your tone (in emails)

I actually like that better than Laurie's advice. If he's grumpy, I'll be cheerful and casual. If he's cheerful and casual, I'll be cheerful and casual.

Mysterious? Well, he hasn't asked and I haven't told him anything about anything about what I'm doing/going. Our contact is so minimal! Hardly a need for a no-contact letter.

Which is why I am holding on to the finances meeting. It is the one time I have to demo any mysteriousness, or try the flirty route, or any of the other pieces of advice I have been given.

The guy is going to think I'm schizo if I follow all the conflicting advice!

I did try the asking advice route early on, as that is a great way for a guy to feel smart and manly. The trouble is, he is so angry about the fact that I am in the house, that I can't ask advice about house stuff. 'Cause then it's resentment- If I were in the house, I could fix that...

So that's why I said the project I was working on was "scary" (facilities work at the local theatre) so there was an opening for " oh, what's scary? "oh, do you think such and such would work?"

I think asking advice on that sort of thing might work well for me in future conversations.

Yes, the conversation was boring, but I was trying to follow Puppy's advice to treat him and our interactions like the mailman--business like and to the point.

You see the conflicting advice!

And, I will say, HE totally gave the story about the truck and HE at the end of the meeting asked about the grant for the project.

Don't know if that is progress...it just is.

He's been in the A 8 months now. I'm not taking any bets on how much longer it lasts. I do think that his total isolation from our friends and our usual activities must be taking a toll, but again--to practice detachment--that's not my problem.

I am trying very hard to absorb all the advice and wisdom on the list. Sometimes it conflicts, though, so please all, be patient with me if I argue or don't understand or seem stubborn.

Maybe when The Art of Seduction arrives I will suddenly be the new Mata Hari in our little town...