How are you girls doing? You shoulda seen the shoes I was rocking today....oh yeah!!!
It is crystal clear that this is an emotionaly toxic situation and something my H said recently is making me think that he is beginning to get that. I have actually made myself physically ill this past week and that was a wake up call for me.
My H and I have both behaved in emotionally immature ways this past year. I have to learn to control my anger as I have a very sarcastic and cutting tongue when I am angry. I am working on it!!! I see where I have not helped things but may have indeed escalated them. I truly regret many of the things I have said to my H. This is not to take all the blame on myself but to acknowledge that I have more work to do than I thought. I have to get to the point where my emotions do not control me. I have never mastered this. I am the type to give into emotions very easily and when I am angry it is very hard to hold my tongue. I would never be physically violent but I have been told that my woords cut very deep. When more than one person tells you that you start to wonder...
I don't like the snooping that I engaged in this year as well It can be useful to gather intel but you have to know when to stop and it is behaviour which can become addictive. Another toxic cycle that must be broken. Although I spent a year talking about DBing, emotionally I haven't been in a place where I could realistically have reengaged in a mature and meaningful R with my H.
Yes, I am happy to walk away from 2009. I need to rise above it all and rid myself of some of my toxic patterns. This is my work for the foreseeable future. I am a treasure but I recognize tha I need to ensure that I do not become scarred and paranoid and unable to have an emotionally healthy and mature relationship with a deserving man. We derive positives from our DB experience but we can also become battle scarred.
This may seem inexplicable to some after all that has happened but because of what I have seen God do in people's lives I could never rule out the possibility that my H and I could make it work. To be sure I think we have both hurt each other by actions and behavior than we could ever have thought possible but God's redeeming grace and power is capable of doing things that we cannot imagine.
This is who my H is right now. He doesn't have to be that person forever. Same goes for me.
My task is to make myself the kind of emotionally stable and secure woman I know I should be. And in my spare time to keep buying fly shoes!!! (Do people still say "fly"?). Right now I don't feel in limbo anymore. I feel like I have taken a hard cold look at the facts and the options and I will know when and what to do when the time is right. That is good enough for me.
OK, I am just rambling now. And there is no alcohol to blame it on. Just 100 % KARA.
