A Choice

[sandi2]

Tell her that you do not believe in an open M and that you won't live that way.

The title to your thread says it all......it is a choice. You know that you cannot control her....and that is not what you are trying to do by setting a boundary. You simply state what you can or can't do, and in this case, you can't live in an open M. She has to make a choice between you and the OM.

If you need to, you may have to say something like, "I have decided that I will not share my W with another man, so unless you come home ready to work on this M and be willing to be transparent in your emails, friendships, etc., then I will do whatever I have to in order to protect myself".

I know you do not want to have to say that to her, but if you have to get that tough....then it is something to think about.

As for the MC, I am not in favor of it unless she has dropped all contact with OM for good. As long as he is in the picture, it will be a waste of time. Listen, I went to a C when I was having my EA....and she was all for it!! So, you need to be very careful who is chosen for any C. If you do reach the place that you can go... be sure you get a pro-marriage C or it will do more harm than good.

My suggestion about your W asking if she can come home is simply ask if OM is still in the picture and if she says "yes" then tell her "no". I don't think any further discussion would be necessary, do you?

Having an A is not only the most disrespectful thing a W can do to her H, but it is a high form of rebellion against him and the M. I have even told some H's that there are times that you have to deal with a WAW in an A like a teenager, b/c she does not think rationally and she is eat up with the fantasy she's created. She just is not who she use to be and that is why it usually takes some sort of shock to yank her head around and cause her to start thinking correctly. Even if she does, she still has a battle, but we can talk about that later.