now, is your H being the H you fully want right now? of course not. he's not going to just all the sudden be a new man. This takes time girl, and if you want to have a wonderful relationship with him, then please please stop the high expectations. You have to stop expecting perfect behavior from him.
In regards to my own H, he still isn't everything I want..but who can be? there is no way that I am everything he wants, but he loves me and wants me and I the same for him, and we work together on the things that we mess up on.
BUT, you guys are far from being in that position yet.
and that includes you too. The worst thing that you can do to help save your M is to be bitter, and not open your eyes to the RIGHT things he is doing.
even if you have to look with a microscope, you have to focus on the positive things and stop trying to expect more, or focusing on everything bad he's done. or 4Luv will be right, that you will sabotage your own M.
now, I will say, that I don't think that night was entirely bad, BECAUSE you stayed calm, you didn't cry, or were mad. you just stated how you felt, and then you listened to him. even though the timing on bringing up the R talk wasn't good, you didn't mess it up IMHO.
you know what else...whoever talked about the food thing, and the drinks... this needs to be a priority for you right now. Do you realize that people who are malnurished will find themselves depressed, and unable to function in their head right. I really think you need to start forcing yourself to eat well, continue with any exercise your doing, and you'll start noticing some changes in your mood and your sleep.
And in the meantime, please keep praying for your bitterness to go away, and really try to do something different when you have these bitter thoughts. please do this for you, not just for him.
can you list some things right now that can help you distract yourself from these thoughts, and then use these ideas to help you.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
sorry if I came across strong. I do understand and i just don't want you to end up where I am. I always had too high expectations and standards when dating my husband and now its to the point where he feels like he can never meet them so why should he even try. I am very sorry again if I came across too strong...its like i just wanted to strongly caution you. I know too well the bitter and angry feeling. I am about to update my stitch right now with those feelings. I have put my feelings on my husband before he turned into this man that I do not know and I wish I would've held my tongue sometimes. You have every right to feel and know what you expect from your husband but its a way to get him there while enjoying where he is now....sorry if that doesn't make sense...its the only way i could think to put it.
Last edited by 4luv; 12/19/0912:55 AM.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
(((Luv)))) I'm only gonna say this for now... please listen to G. He is really trying to help you. Your hurt and anger is blinding you to what might actually help your M... and you! Yes, you have every right to your hurt and anger, but acting on them only hurts you and your M. The DB principles feel almost "wrong" sometimes... they go against what we feel entitled to as the "wronged" spouse. But, they are WHAT WORKS! If there is a chance of saving your M you have to do what WORKS, not what feels fair or right. Make sense? I can't remember... have your read DB or DR?
I really do appreciate G's effort in helping me. I will continue to listen.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
now, is your H being the H you fully want right now? of course not. he's not going to just all the sudden be a new man. This takes time girl, and if you want to have a wonderful relationship with him, then please please stop the high expectations. You have to stop expecting perfect behavior from him.
In regards to my own H, he still isn't everything I want..but who can be? there is no way that I am everything he wants, but he loves me and wants me and I the same for him, and we work together on the things that we mess up on.
BUT, you guys are far from being in that position yet.
and that includes you too. The worst thing that you can do to help save your M is to be bitter, and not open your eyes to the RIGHT things he is doing.
even if you have to look with a microscope, you have to focus on the positive things and stop trying to expect more, or focusing on everything bad he's done. or 4Luv will be right, that you will sabotage your own M.
now, I will say, that I don't think that night was entirely bad, BECAUSE you stayed calm, you didn't cry, or were mad. you just stated how you felt, and then you listened to him. even though the timing on bringing up the R talk wasn't good, you didn't mess it up IMHO.
you know what else...whoever talked about the food thing, and the drinks... this needs to be a priority for you right now. Do you realize that people who are malnurished will find themselves depressed, and unable to function in their head right. I really think you need to start forcing yourself to eat well, continue with any exercise your doing, and you'll start noticing some changes in your mood and your sleep.
And in the meantime, please keep praying for your bitterness to go away, and really try to do something different when you have these bitter thoughts. please do this for you, not just for him.
can you list some things right now that can help you distract yourself from these thoughts, and then use these ideas to help you.
ST - I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that my H is being so purposely mean to me. He doesn't call me...think he's screwing around...ignoring me at home and telling me "he's not happy and doesn't wanna come home." It's SO hard for me. Soooo hard I can't tell you.
I am going to suck it up - not for him but for ME It's all I can do right now. I am listening carefully to all of you.
God this is awful.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
I know it's hard. This is the worst thing a person can go thru besides probably losing a child. I know how it feels, and so do we all. We've all been in this hurt, and that's why we want to help you. But this lands in YOUR lap, not ours, not h's, not anyone, but you.
you get to choose how to react and how to make your sitch better, or dwell on it and make it worse. we want you to make it better. we all have hope for your M, and for those of us who have gone all the way, we KNOW how wonderful your M can be, but it depends on you.
Unfortunately, your H isn't the one on this board. you are, so you are the one with the reigns.
I'm glad your still here, and I'm glad your still listening. Start making lists for us, and if you can, write them out and go over them everyday. People who have goals that dont write them down, generally do not achieve them. it might feel stupid, but write them down.
we all love you and want the best things to happen for you, and that's why we are hard on you and honest with you.
what steps are you going to take next. I think it would be good for us to keep you accountable. G always has really good things he tells you...keep writing down those goals and how you worked on them that day.
you can do this, I promise.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
