Dont ignore the warning signs (warning, Im venting

[Young at Heart]

....She just absolutely will not tell me why she really wants a divorce and this is killing me. "I dont love you anymore" just doesnt compute with me. She never came to me to tell me there was a problem. That is what is killing me.

It's like Im fighting a battle with an invisible enemy.

....As far as what state Im in? I would say that it feels like I am in anger, denial, acceptance and grieving all at the same time. Im sorry but that is the way it feels. I really just dont know where I am right now. Im all over the place from day to day.

I do really worry about my wife now as she is not the person I married. Her father passed away recently and she showed no emotions. When our Son moved out she also showed no emotions. And with this divorce that she threw on me she shows no emotions. She is as cold as ice towards me. Like a robot. Yet when she talks to friends and family she is her normal friendly and loving self. I just dont get it. How is this possible.

My I offer just a few more comments. (In reviewing this, it is a little to "preachie" so I apologize for that. However, I still think you need to move yourself toward acceptance. The following is offered as something you might think about to help you move forward.)

First, congratulations on taking care of yourself and your son.

Second, wanting to "know why" and "fighting an invisible enemy" implies to me that you are not yet at acceptance. She may really not know why she feels she needs a divorce. People sometimes do the darnest things for no good reason. Overthinking things has gotten me into a lot of trouble over my life. Trying to break her computer password, trying to get her to explain to you why she has filed divorce papers and chosen to end your marriage are not going to bring you added happiness. In fact if she catches you, it might even result in legal charges against you. Is it really worth that?

You need to focus on the things and activities that will make you happy and make you a better person. Intelectually you can wonder about why, but leave finding out why, for something you can learn about in ten years when she may have had time to figure it out.

You need to move on with YOUR LIFE and not dwell on the past. Your wife has made it clear that she wants out and you need to give her what she wants, even if it is not going to make her happy. Start refering to her in your posts or when you talk to others about her as your "ex-wife" or your "about to be ex-wife." It will help you move on. If you want to hold out hope of reconciliation, write yourself a note that you will open one year from when your divorce is final and she and you moved apart.

Have a set of written goal for yourself that you include in the note to yourself and that you post on your refrigerator after your about to be ex-wife moves out. (Visualizing accomplishing your goals will help change your self-image.) Make sure it is in a public place in your house where people can see it. These should be goals that you are not ashamed of. I recommend that you create a establish a ritual of check marks or something so you keep track of goals you have achieved.

And figure out some form of celebration for major goals that will make you happy. Like say going out and getting two new suits with shirts and ties when you reach you half-way and full weight loss goals. A new bicyle or fitness toy, when you reach some exercise goal, etc. Another celibration could be an extended romantic weekend hotel stay with a girl friend when you meet your final dating goal.

An example of a goal might be that you will loose so much weight each 3 months (at say less than 1 pound a week) and in a year you will weigh xxx pounds. I have a 15 pound weight loss per 18 weeks goal and have been pleased to met such goals in my weight loss plans. Have some fitness goals that you will train for a short and then long race (in say 4 months you will sign up for a run a 5K and within 8 months you will sign-up and run in a 10K race). If that doesn't do it, then set a goal that you compete in some other kind of sport like say swimming, cross country bicyle race, climb a mountain with a guide service or whatever.

Set yourself a vacation goal (you will go on a singles cruise, you will go on a volunteer holiday to build a habitat for humanity house in some disaster area, or something that you have always dreamed about doing, like take in Octoberfest in Germany next fall).

Then figure out some physical/dating/sexual goals you want to achieve as a single man in the year ahead. Examples could be that you will wait for 3 months until your divorce is final and then you will join a dating service or singles club and go out on at least 3 dates or participte in 3 activities per month for at least 3 months prior to entering into any exclusive realationships. Another goal could be that you will joint a County-Western Line dancing group or take lessons at some local tavern/club at least x times per month. Another goal could be that you will treat yourself to a non-sexual massage twice a month from the prettiest & hottest massuse you can find. A goal could be to take some night community college classes where you will find interesting women you can spend time with. Possibly establish a goal of signing up for a community college course in massage therapy, a course to prepare as a para-legal assistant, or beginning bookkeeping. I remember taking a community college non-credit self-hypnosis weight loss class were there were twelve women and myself. Two of the women taking the class were into teaching belly dancing as a form of weight loss and female sexual expression (they wanted the self-hypnosis to help them look even sexier!). I was married, so I didn't follow up on any of the opportunities that were eagerly sent my way, but if I were single, I would sign up for that class in a heartbeat. The vast majority of the women were strong, interesting women and only a couple of them were married or were there due to health issues and only one other was obesse. The others were interesting nice looking single women who just wanted to drop the last ten or fifteen pounds in their diet goals.

The point is, set some specific goals that will push you to change, to get an interesting life, to meet interesting women and to move forward without thinking about the about to be ex-wife that has left you. Once you have an active and intersting life with new people in it, then you can touch back in with your ex-wife, but then and only then will you have moved on and she will have had time to have figured out what she did, why and who she is.

Good luck

[chatterbug]

What where the warning signs that told you. That you two were going to spend 23 years together?

[g450]

What where the warning signs that told you. That you two were going to spend 23 years together?

Cutterbug, Im not sure what your asking me here or how to answer that.

All I can tell you is that I loved her enough to know I wanted to spend my life with her till death do us part.

I have always believed that she meant her vows as well. But besides the promis that we made to each other I honestly thought that we had enough love for each other to last a lifetime.

I guess vows mean nothing now in this age that we live in.

[chatterbug]

What where the warning signs that told you. That you two were going to spend 23 years together?

Cutterbug, Im not sure what your asking me here or how to answer that.

All I can tell you is that I loved her enough to know I wanted to spend my life with her till death do us part.

I have always believed that she meant her vows as well. But besides the promis that we made to each other I honestly thought that we had enough love for each other to last a lifetime.

I guess vows mean nothing now in this age that we live in.

You have handpicked the negatives. Balance it with the positives.


Vows are very important. Some times we lose sight of that.

[g450]

What where the warning signs that told you. That you two were going to spend 23 years together?

Cutterbug, Im not sure what your asking me here or how to answer that.

All I can tell you is that I loved her enough to know I wanted to spend my life with her till death do us part.

I have always believed that she meant her vows as well. But besides the promis that we made to each other I honestly thought that we had enough love for each other to last a lifetime.

I guess vows mean nothing now in this age that we live in.

You have handpicked the negatives. Balance it with the positives.


Vows are very important. Some times we lose sight of that.

Understood. And you are 100% correct.

But I do achlowledge all the possitives in our 23 years together. My Son being #1.

But the main reason behind my venting is to warn people to not overlook warning signs. Had I not been so blind in my past, I would not be in this forum today with a broken heart.

[chatterbug]

Nor would you have a son and a 23 year marriage. What is your point?

[g450]

Nor would you have a son and a 23 year marriage. What is your point?

My point is that I could have been married to somebody that truly loved me. We could have had a child and a marriage that lasted a lifetime instead of 23years. Not to mention a much MUCH happier marriage.

Had I heeded the warning signs and married somebody else, this would all have been a possibility.

By marrying me out of convenience she took that away. But I am just as guilty for being blindly in love.

Ironically I guess my post should go into a love / newlywed forum instead of a db forum. But then again at least I had the opportunity to vent.

[SDFoundGirl]

Nor would you have a son and a 23 year marriage. What is your point?

My point is that I could have been married to somebody that truly loved me. We could have had a child and a marriage that lasted a lifetime instead of 23years. Not to mention a much MUCH happier marriage.

You don't know that. There are tons of people here whose marriages were created out of love and a desire to be together, and they are in the identical situation that you are. My H and I were SUPER careful about entering M; H is a child of divorce and I wanted to choose someone I believed was solid and truly compassionate. We were both 30 when we married, so we weren't even young and acting out of infatuation~we married after nearly 3-years together.

But we ended up in this same place. Honestly, after talking to married friends of mine and older people, EVERY couple hits this wall. Some people because of religious or other beliefs either suck it up and stay together, miserable, or find a way to work together to get past it. Other couples bomb one another, and some divorce.

What I'm hearing from you is that the only reason your M is failing is because you picked wrong, because your W is a rotten person.

I want to know what YOU did to contribute to the downfall of the M. What did your W complain about? What do you know about yourself that needs to change? THIS is where your energy needs to be spent, because you know what? If you get married again and bring those same traits and mistakes that helped get you in this place to begin with, you WILL experience this again. Wherever you go, there you are.

All of us contributed to the downfall of our M. My H was a super nice guy who rolled over all the time and NEVER EVER opened his mouth to express what he wanted. He expected me to be a mind reader, then resented me when I didn't pick what he secretly wanted. He never expressed any displeasure with anything until he bombed me. He also put what his parents wanted first...everyone else, really. He never listened to my sincere fears about socializing (I had extreme social anxiety), and decided that I just hated people. Since he didn't listen, I started getting physically ill before events to have an "acceptable" excuse.

On the surface, he'd look like the "good" guy and I'd look like the "bad" guy, but in reality, we BOTH contributed to the downfall of our M. It was something we both had to learn and accept and work on. It's only because we BOTH did the work that our M is working today.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not accepting the victim/martyr/bad choice role. The only way we progress is by owning our faults, examining them, and learning to take different actions.

SD

[g450]

Understood, Im not perfect. But when did my wife ever talk to me to express any problems? NEVER! But I have never hurt her, cheated on her or anything else like that. Tried to be a good husband and thought we were happy. Worst offense is that I took her for granted. I recognized that. That will never happen agian, I guarantee that.

Never realized my marriage was in a downfall. That is the problem. She never said anything to me. Just dropped the bomb. I did ignore some signs hence my post. The part about her moving into my Sons old bedroom should have been a wake up call for me but I accepted her excuse. That was my fault.

I am already working on my faults. Rest assured of that. Mostly little things but thinks I can change.

This divorce and her not loving me anymore has opened my eyes as others have said. Not to just her but also myself.

Did a lot of soulsearching and reading. Even asked her what I could improve. She still insists that it's not me, it's her.

I understand that there are no winers in divorce. Both sides are victims to an extent. But my OP was not to blame her 100%. It is what I said earlier, simply venting and warning others of some of the signs I refused to see.

[chatterbug]

Nor would you have a son and a 23 year marriage. What is your point?

My point is that I could have been married to somebody that truly loved me. We could have had a child and a marriage that lasted a lifetime instead of 23years. Not to mention a much MUCH happier marriage.

Had I heeded the warning signs and married somebody else, this would all have been a possibility.

By marrying me out of convenience she took that away. But I am just as guilty for being blindly in love.

Ironically I guess my post should go into a love / newlywed forum instead of a db forum. But then again at least I had the opportunity to vent.

Well if that is what you believe then why are you here? Go find your "soulmate" and let resentment and bitterness change 23 years of good and bad times into horrible times. Become a horrible person towards you wife and attack her every chance you get for the rest of your life. Or do something stupid right now to get back at her.

OR

You can figure out what you can do to improve. Show her tough love. Work yourself through the grief cycle. Heal. GAL and 180 yourself. Learn who you are. Improve.

You are in your own fog right now as well. Picking items and connecting them together to justify what actions you are going to do next. This is not healthy. You need to balance them out. Write a love letter to her about all the beautiful things you have done together over the years and how much you love her.

Burn it or rip it up into a thousand pieces.

There are better ways to deal with this anger and resentment. Venting is good. Get it out of your system.

That is your choice.

But I will not offer you any advice if your end game plan is to hurt your wife.