....She just absolutely will not tell me why she really wants a divorce and this is killing me. "I dont love you anymore" just doesnt compute with me. She never came to me to tell me there was a problem. That is what is killing me.
It's like Im fighting a battle with an invisible enemy.
....As far as what state Im in? I would say that it feels like I am in anger, denial, acceptance and grieving all at the same time. Im sorry but that is the way it feels. I really just dont know where I am right now. Im all over the place from day to day.
I do really worry about my wife now as she is not the person I married. Her father passed away recently and she showed no emotions. When our Son moved out she also showed no emotions. And with this divorce that she threw on me she shows no emotions. She is as cold as ice towards me. Like a robot. Yet when she talks to friends and family she is her normal friendly and loving self. I just dont get it. How is this possible.
My I offer just a few more comments. (In reviewing this, it is a little to "preachie" so I apologize for that. However, I still think you need to move yourself toward acceptance. The following is offered as something you might think about to help you move forward.)
First, congratulations on taking care of yourself and your son.
Second, wanting to "know why" and "fighting an invisible enemy" implies to me that you are not yet at acceptance. She may really not know why she feels she needs a divorce. People sometimes do the darnest things for no good reason. Overthinking things has gotten me into a lot of trouble over my life. Trying to break her computer password, trying to get her to explain to you why she has filed divorce papers and chosen to end your marriage are not going to bring you added happiness. In fact if she catches you, it might even result in legal charges against you. Is it really worth that?
You need to focus on the things and activities that will make you happy and make you a better person. Intelectually you can wonder about why, but leave finding out why, for something you can learn about in ten years when she may have had time to figure it out.
You need to move on with YOUR LIFE and not dwell on the past. Your wife has made it clear that she wants out and you need to give her what she wants, even if it is not going to make her happy. Start refering to her in your posts or when you talk to others about her as your "ex-wife" or your "about to be ex-wife." It will help you move on. If you want to hold out hope of reconciliation, write yourself a note that you will open one year from when your divorce is final and she and you moved apart.
Have a set of written goal for yourself that you include in the note to yourself and that you post on your refrigerator after your about to be ex-wife moves out. (Visualizing accomplishing your goals will help change your self-image.) Make sure it is in a public place in your house where people can see it. These should be goals that you are not ashamed of. I recommend that you create a establish a ritual of check marks or something so you keep track of goals you have achieved.
And figure out some form of celebration for major goals that will make you happy. Like say going out and getting two new suits with shirts and ties when you reach you half-way and full weight loss goals. A new bicyle or fitness toy, when you reach some exercise goal, etc. Another celibration could be an extended romantic weekend hotel stay with a girl friend when you meet your final dating goal.
An example of a goal might be that you will loose so much weight each 3 months (at say less than 1 pound a week) and in a year you will weigh xxx pounds. I have a 15 pound weight loss per 18 weeks goal and have been pleased to met such goals in my weight loss plans. Have some fitness goals that you will train for a short and then long race (in say 4 months you will sign up for a run a 5K and within 8 months you will sign-up and run in a 10K race). If that doesn't do it, then set a goal that you compete in some other kind of sport like say swimming, cross country bicyle race, climb a mountain with a guide service or whatever.
Set yourself a vacation goal (you will go on a singles cruise, you will go on a volunteer holiday to build a habitat for humanity house in some disaster area, or something that you have always dreamed about doing, like take in Octoberfest in Germany next fall).
Then figure out some physical/dating/sexual goals you want to achieve as a single man in the year ahead. Examples could be that you will wait for 3 months until your divorce is final and then you will join a dating service or singles club and go out on at least 3 dates or participte in 3 activities per month for at least 3 months prior to entering into any exclusive realationships. Another goal could be that you will joint a County-Western Line dancing group or take lessons at some local tavern/club at least x times per month. Another goal could be that you will treat yourself to a non-sexual massage twice a month from the prettiest & hottest massuse you can find. A goal could be to take some night community college classes where you will find interesting women you can spend time with. Possibly establish a goal of signing up for a community college course in massage therapy, a course to prepare as a para-legal assistant, or beginning bookkeeping. I remember taking a community college non-credit self-hypnosis weight loss class were there were twelve women and myself. Two of the women taking the class were into teaching belly dancing as a form of weight loss and female sexual expression (they wanted the self-hypnosis to help them look even sexier!). I was married, so I didn't follow up on any of the opportunities that were eagerly sent my way, but if I were single, I would sign up for that class in a heartbeat. The vast majority of the women were strong, interesting women and only a couple of them were married or were there due to health issues and only one other was obesse. The others were interesting nice looking single women who just wanted to drop the last ten or fifteen pounds in their diet goals.
The point is, set some specific goals that will push you to change, to get an interesting life, to meet interesting women and to move forward without thinking about the about to be ex-wife that has left you. Once you have an active and intersting life with new people in it, then you can touch back in with your ex-wife, but then and only then will you have moved on and she will have had time to have figured out what she did, why and who she is.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
