how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[newmama]

Whoa, 3 threads? I have a lot of reading to do during my baby's naps!
Okay, Aver, I have read this thread and must say that you are such a smart and funny woman! Here is what you have done well:
set your goal for what to improve about yourself and what 180s you need to work on:

I want to look like the better option. I want to be the fun, adventurous, willing to do stuff gal I have always been. I also need to develop comfort with intimacy and commitment, . I also DO want to show him that I have needed him--he can be a strong manly man with me and I would welcome that and not brush it off as unnecessary.

Now I need to be honest and tell you that the best option for you for now is to just ignore him except for finances. Forget a letter about establishing NC. You will be more mysterious this way.I think you can just continue "dating" and being fun and adventurous and it will start to show. You will run into the same circles of friends and people, right? IMO You can't really do much to show him that you have developed better intimacy skills right now because he is in an affair and it will look like chasing. There are ways to show him that you could need him if you wanted to need him, though.

Only meet him for bill paying for now. He is with this woman for sex and that isn't enought to sustain a relationship for long. I know it seems like a long time, but, and I mean this in a nice way, he is making up for lost time!

Next: BE CONSISTENT in your approach and behavior, whatever you choose to do. I see that you replied to his emails in the same tone as his. This shows wavering. It also reveals you are playing off of him and not being detached. Be calm, cheerful, collect, cool (Gnosis words I think)

If you will be meeting him once/month for bills, then have much more interesting interaction than last time (sorry but my eyes glazed over as I read your dialogue exchange) and look damn good! Be cheerful and relaxed. (I have anxiety too but I mentaly rehearse and visualize how to act in the event and it works wonders!)You can joke about having to budget in ___ for fun (I don't what new thing you are doing) but "yeah, I need to set aside 300 bucks for my scuba lessons!"

To show you need him, ask his advice, don't give it. I am not saying to act like a helpless airhead, but something like "I need to pick up__for the house, but I don't know if I should get__ or __. What do you recommend?" small things like that. I don't know what his skills are, but you did say he seemed so good at everything (so is my WH) so if you get a chance to ask how to do something, go for it. Now don't overdo it, make it natural and don't expect to see him change right away.


The reason why I am advocating this is because a complete NC means he would never get to see some changes. But seeing him once, maybe twice a month, is enough to keep you on his mind and allow you to detach and date! When we are happy it shows--the WSs also have ESP and they can tell when we're not as interested in a relationship with them. You want him to draw him to you, and I thinkhe stepped out due to needing validation, sex and intimacy issues.I bet she pursued him! Just my quick reaction to reading your initial story.