Hi Friends, I know it's been awhile since I've posted...I still check in and read posts from time to time. Feeling a bit emotional today. I am meeting with H tomorrow for coffee. He emailed me earlier this week to see about getting together before the holidays. We've been separated for 1 year with limited contact, he getting a new apartment this summer (living in dorm before) and more or less pushed me out of his life (reasons listed in prior posts).
I know I've got to face this...we've been in limbo for so long. I've been doing a lot of growing and reflecting and know that I'm in a much better place overall than I was 6 months ago, stopped all pursuit, GAL and focused on becoming a better person for myself, regardless of outcome. I am able to see things more clearly now about my relationship too, but of course there is still so much love there, and more mourning I've been feeling lately as this is all the more real.
I think I've grasped that there is nothing more i can do to save this marriage. It's got to take two. Nonetheless I am so sad and will always feel sad that he would not give us a shot, an opening to communicate and work on seemingly small issues. But that is his deal and not mine, I know. I feel like I might break down and cry when we talk tomorrow. I may just not be able to help it. I've cried a few nights alone this week as I think about the good times, and then also feel some anger at how he's handled this past year and just completely changed as a person. I still feel betrayed like he's tried to erase me completely out of his life, totally self-absorbed...and I know this is not someone that would/could be a good partner to me anyway. I keep trying to tell myself "you don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with you" and 'you deserve a wonderful loving partner who is mature and willing to do the work when needed, not run away, not skirt issues, and love me for me and my flaws and foibles and strengths. H is not that person anymore, even though yes, I do still love him. If he was open to counseling or anything yes I would too. That's just how I feel and that marriage is not disposable. But I also deserve been than he's been lately (and sad b/c he was so wonderful in our early years of marriage). There are just so many memories, it's hard to erase them all away.
How to find strength and confidence in this meeting as I approach him tomorrow? He'll talk about filing and mediation/ending our marriage of this I am sure. But it may be the kick i need to move on and move forward, for real. I will move to CA earlier next year to be closer to family and friends, and had been wanting some closure before I take this big step. So this is likely very well it.
I think it's pointless to try to get him to reconsider anything at this point. I think I just go along w it, but stand my ground as needed. I need to keep confident - if i can pull it together - and remember what I am worth. Anyone done anything in particular to help them 'pull it together' before such meetings? Scary, but i've gotta go right through it, not around at this point. Lately I've been visualizing a big pool/ocean and just thinking about jumping into it and moving forward. It helps to some extent. If I cry or get emotional, well I am human, and that may very well happen. At this point I don't think I'm trying to change anything..I'm just trying to face it and hopefully not be too overcome by the pain afterwards. I am in my office today and keep feeling like I am on the verge of tears. I may want to spend some time in bed this weekend, just resting and being easy on myself...
Then I go home for the holidays w my family. I feel partially like H's timing sucks right before Xmas, but at the same time, it would just drag on another month if we did not deal.
Just journaling to some extent I guess. Sad, feeling a bit anxious and panicky...feeling abandoned again too I guess, but trying to stay strong.
It is wonderful to have you all here as part of this broader community. As always, many thanks... hhh
