First Piecing Thread

[Hope4us]

Pearl, Yes, I do think she needs to talk to an IC, but W is also one of the most bullheaded individuals to walk the planet so if it's not her idea, it ain't gonna happen.

Like I said to Rocked, hormones could be an issue. I might suggest sometime soon she goes and see's a Dr as she is approaching mentapause and it would be good for her to get a check up.

And I was thinking about the lingerie thing after you mentioned it in a prior post. I do think I'll buy her a hot bra/panty set for Christmas and see what that does.

She does know I love her body. I compliment her on it all the time. In fact, sometimes I think that might be the problem because she hears it so much she thinks I've got some other motive. Now I'm a guy, so sometimes I am making those comments cause...well...you know, but not all the time.

And she does have those undies buried in the bottom of her drawer. I've been thinking about just throwing them away and when she asks, tell her I threw them away a while ago...that is, if she even figures it out.

I don't know, that might not be the way to go. Something to think about.

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate it.

[pearlharbr]

And she is VERY thin. I know that can affect a womans drive also.

Hope, you just made me smile! I don't know if I haven't heard that before or just forgot. But I do know that I'm going to be using that as an excuse for my winter weight. (I'm 5'5" and currently 113 but was down around 100-105 last year during the worst of things, trying to get back there the healthy way this time.)

Back to you.

I agree that she may feel pressured if you compliment her looks all the time. BTDT. Maybe mix it up a bit. Don't stop telling her how sexy she is but go for some specifics. The way her eyes light up when she laughs. How you love the way her hair feels when you run your hands through it. Still getting the compliments in but in a way that she realizes you love and appreciate the things specific to her.

I started this with BF because I wasn't quite sure what to believe when he said ILY. So I asked, "Why?" He has to give me one specific reason, like how I love to watch football.

[rockedworld]

Hope,
It sounds to me like it is mostly the guilt. Doesn't hurt to get hormone levels checked, but I am guessing it is mostly psychological/emotional. I am very thin (size 2) and my drive has only increased as I've lost weight because I've felt sexier and sexier with the weight loss. The ironic thing for me is that just before the bomb I was feeling better about myself than I had in my whole life... now have had to struggle my way back up in my self esteem. But, finally accepting my H's A was not about me, but about him has helped.

Anyway, I agree with Pearl's ideas about complimenting her on more specific things about her as a person.

I think the lingerie for Christmas is a great idea, but also get her something that shows you have been paying close attention to things that are important/interesting to her as a person... so it doesn't seem to be only about sex. Like if you've noticed her admire something in a store or mention wanting to take lessons for something, or a day at the spa to pamper herself if she enjoys that, etc.

[addie]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for the reply. It helps to get other people's perspective who have gone through or are going through the process.

The comment your W made to you about feeling pressured to have s*x may have more to do with gender differences than WAS/LBS. Not too long ago I had the same convo with my H and he reacted in the same way you did. He was offended and asked me if I thought he was a s*x addict. Of course I told him that's not what I think. There were a couple of reasons I was feeling pressured. One reason was the many unresolved issues with the PA and H's reluctance to address those issues. A woman's emotional state very much co-relates to her desire to have s*x. I would guess W feels very guilty especially after you had such a nice evening out. Her guilt would definitely affect her sexual desire. Also with all the talk about affairs in the media the last couple of weeks, I think this would affect her. I know it's affected my H - he's been consumed with guilt lately.
The other reason I was feeling "pressure" was that I felt my H just wanted the physical part and not doing enough of the emotional like complimenting me, flirting, etc. and this made me feel resentful. Try to do these things with no expectations. After some time, you may find W opening up more physically.

I like the idea of buying her sexy underwear for Christmas.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pearl, Rocked, Addie.

Wow, sounds like I'm talking to a bunch of Olive Oyl's here! W is currently 5'3" and 107 or so. She'll believes me that I think she looks better at 112 or so, but she "feels" best at 106-108. And I just had to laugh Rocked when you said you were a size 2. I don't remember which comedian said it, but I just remember her saying she was a size 2 or 4, depending on the shop she was in. Made me laugh, cause that's W. Depending on the shop she's either a 0 or 2 or 4. I think the clothing manufacturers do that on purpose to you women. They make clothes a little bigger and then put a smaller size on them because they know you guys all love saying "I'm a 2" instead of "I'm a 4".

Pearl, I like your suggestion. While I do compliment her all the time, I can see where a lot of those compliments are not specific and more along the lines of "you look hot today" or stuff like that. I'll try making them specific, because I do love how she smiles when she talks about our boys and I JUST FREAKING LOVE this little thing she does when she's getting ready after a shower. She stands there, puts her weight on her right leg and rolls her left toes under so she's kind of standing on the top of her left foot. I LOVE THAT! And it's always her left foot!

Rocked, You're right, W's A was all about her. That's a hard thing to understand when you're the LBS. If you get that already, so soon after your H's A, you're in good shape. Took me a long time to get that.

I do think she needs to get her hormone levels checked, but I do think it's more the guilt. After her A ended and she got through the worst part of WD, she still slept on the couch for quite a long time. When we'd go out of town, she'd sleep in bed with me even if we had a room with two beds. We even ML a number of times while away from home, only to have her return to the couch when we'd come home. And then around Nov last year she started saying she wanted a new bed. At that time we had a water bed. Had one since we first got together 25 years ago. So I said to her "I'm ok with getting one, but if you're not going to sleep in it, I'm not because I like the water bed". She said, "Of course I'll sleep in it if we get a new one". So we did and she did. Now why did it take us getting a new bed for her to move back into it? Only thing I can come up with is she was with OM in it and it freaked her out. Kind of makes sense with how she'd sleep with me and to this day, is able to be more "free" with herself when we're out of town.

The other thing I think W needs checked is her thyroid. She has a family history of thyroid problems. Not sure if that affects anything, but she does need to get it checked.

Don't worry about the Christmas presents. I'm all over it. She mentioned to me a while ago that if she had a carpet cleaning machine, we wouldn't need to hire a carpet cleaning dude to come in yearly. So I've got one of those. How romantic huh? But there's more. A couple weeks ago we were at a sporting goods store getting S17 some new golf equipment and W was trying on some ski gloves. She was making all kinds of comments about how warm they were etc. So I'm picking those up Tuesday night when I'm out for a haircut. I also got her (for both of us) tickets and a hotel room to see one of our favorite performers. Got a couple other ideas (including the undies), but we'll see.

Addie, The A's that have been all over the news lately HAS affected her. I can see it. I can see how the guilt shows up with it being all over the news. Thanks Tiger.

On another note, it was just a week ago I caught S17 smoking which he started during the "troubles". When I told W he was smoking she asked "when did that start?" I asked her if she remembered when we'd caught him smoking a couple years ago and she kind of looked at me a little puzzled and I said "he started smoking during the troubles because it helped calm him down" and she just dropped her head in what can only be described as shame. So I'm sure that has had an affect. And it's another example for anyone going through this how a person in an A can be so out of their right mind. W has not remembered MANY things from that time.

Like a summer ago we were going to Disney with the kids. We made reservations at our timeshare at Disney. I said to W "I think I'll request the same area of the resort we stayed at before" and W said "we've never stayed at that resort" (Disney does their timeshares so you can stay at any of 7 different resorts on property). I said "yes we did. It was at Thanksgiving two years ago" and she just looked at me like I was crazy. Well, two years ago at Thanksgiving is when I'd just exposed the A to OM's W and my W was a F'd up mess. And she argued with me that we'd never stayed there even though we spent 7 nights at the place only a year before. Man, the mind is an amazing thing.

Thanks guys. You all give me stuff to think about and try. And isn't it amazing that we're the LBS's and WE'RE the ones that have to deal with THEIR issues. When does the time come where our spouses say "man I F'd up, what can I do for YOU?"

Hope you ladies have a GREAT weekend. I picked S21 up from school last night so we have our beautiful son home for a week for Christmas. And that makes me

Talk to ya soon.

[Lotus]

Hope4us,

If you throw away the undies, never admit it! My mother was a strong enforcer of appropriate clothing. Anything sent to the wash that she didn't like disappeared. And she never admitted to knowing a thing about it. It's a technique I sometimes use around here too. But don't admit it, you may as well just wrestle her for the panties now if you are going to admit it later.

[rockedworld]

Wow Hope,
You are a great H! Paying attention to all those things your wife likes... good for you! I would love it if my H was like that! I could so relate when you said... "when does it happend that the WAS says... I f'ed up what I can do for you?" I can tell that is still a long way away. I can tell H is still in the fog in some ways... I don't think he is noticing much about me yet. Hopefully that will come.
We had a "little" incident last night... or first blow out since reconciling. I posted it on the newbie forum hoping to get some input cuz I was really upset last night. You can check it out and I'd love your feedback since you are a vet at piecing.

[Dr LOve]

Hope4us,

If you throw away the undies, never admit it! My mother was a strong enforcer of appropriate clothing. Anything sent to the wash that she didn't like disappeared. And she never admitted to knowing a thing about it. It's a technique I sometimes use around here too. But don't admit it, you may as well just wrestle her for the panties now if you are going to admit it later.

Lotus, (sorry for highjacking your thread Hope)

Thanks for this advice. My W too has a pair of those "OM Panties" that bug the hell out of me also.
When My W had her ‘fling’ with the OM it was in Santa Cruz Ca. She had the nerve to bring son and I back some souvenirs from her trip to see “her girl friends”
I know it is childish but those souvenirs have disappeared from our house and if Santa Cruz were to slip into the ocean I would not miss it. As for the panties... they are still in her drawer. And I will let them stay there until the day this marriage is recommitted to then they too will “disappear”

Hope4us you are doing great buddy. I kind of feel I am right behind you in this journey. The New Year will be here soon…

[Hope4us]

Hope4us you are doing great buddy. I kind of feel I am right behind you in this journey. The New Year will be here soon…

I hope you're right Dr. You're a good man and deserve some resolution to your sitch and hopefully it's the resolution you want!

Thanks for checking in.

[Lost Rabbit]

Well Im no stick insect but H pushing me away for three months left me feeling totally sexless, I lost a load of weight and went out to buy some new lingerie, well I have never felt better since, I feel sexy because I wear pretty sexy lingerie, ironically H who wouldnt have noticed if I'd had flannel pj's on has been caught eyeing me up now lol. I would love him to buy me new lingerie, one because its something he has never done but also it would make me feel that he saw me sexually if that makes sense! Definitely think if you started buying her pretty new stuff yours would get worn and not the ones you dont want to see, you could buy her some pretty negligee's or nighties for Xmas, Im in the uk but I recently bought a really pretty lacy camisole and undies which I love, but its not strictly a standard lingerie set! Or of course you could offer to do the washing and have a major washing crisis lol!