In particular I have pondered the concept of turning lemons into lemonade. Is there anyway that your wife might be willing to turn "non-sex" into something that you can accept as sex-like?
Thanks for a very thoughtful reply!
Indeed, I have done a lot of thinking about how we could come up with a compromise, and we did that for some years, where I would experience release but she was not sexually involved at all. But that only works for me if I can keep thinking of it as just one of many different things we're doing. But after a long time, her complete lack of participation made me feel very "left out" and more of the mindset that I have more and more good sex to make up for. Though I'm currently tolerating the situation, I cannot accept it long term. I know that, and that's why I'm here, and reading and thinking and talking to various people about the situation, including my wife, of course (but in gentle and humorous ways).
So, as for tolerating the differences, and compromising, it was kind of like a rubber band that we stretched, but it was too much, and the rubber band broke -- the differences are just to great. For me, there is no substitute for total and all-out passionate physical sex consisting of lots of foreplay and sex and mind-blowing orgasms, all lasting the better part of an hour, if not more. To my wife, that's way too long to even consider participating in a non-sexual way on her part -- it's just total boredom and "what's the point" kind of activity for her, and total shock that I would want to do it all again within 48 hours, which is about as long as I want to wait for a repeat. So doing a compromise is nothing more than an exercise in tension highlighting our differences. I just can't take seriously the proposition that the ONLY person I can have sex with on this planet, indefinitely, is someone who doesn't want to do any of it.
Now that we have only the kind of King Arthur courtly love, it's much easier because there isn't this constant tension about the sexual compromise we have to deal with in the next 24 hours, which she will try to get out of all the time, even if it's a compromise, and my constant reminding her that it's overdue, and her feeling guilty, etc. etc.
And, like it or not, a component of the lack of tension between us has to do with my being able to get my physical sexual needs met by other means. And if any of you think that's terrible and lamentable, and all that, well, I can tell you it's not cancer. And I know what that's like and it's not even close.
