One day at a time....

[pearlharbr]

Rocked, it's romantic that both of you remember your first date. We do because we use that date as our anniversary since we aren't married, but I think it's nice when married couples still remember the other milestones too.

[rockedworld]

Thanks Pearl,
My H was good about stuff like that before the A, so it is nice to see some of that come back. During the A he was a total a$% to me on special occasions.

I noticed you mention on Hope's thread that you have felt wary about why your BF came back, if he really loves you, etc.

Although my H makes every effort to show his sincerity and is saying the right things, I know I am going to struggle with that for awhile. For eg. one time he commented on how OW makes $30,000 less a year than me. I immediately told him if that is the reason he is home he can leave, he backed down and apologized. I know he was talking out the MANY reasons he finally woke up about what he was potentially going to do to his life, but that one really stung. I am assuming that need for reassurance lasts awhile, huh? I know my sitch is still a very new reconciliation, but I do struggle with this.

[addie]

Hi Rocked,

I just read your thread. I understand what you are going through. I've been Piecing for 7 months and to say that it's been difficult is definitely an understatement. To this day I still feel anger and resentment but it's getting easier with each passing day.
Your question about how long it takes to get over OP? I read on another site that it takes a minimum of 6 months if there is no further contact with OP. In my H's case he continued contact for a year after the PA ended and I think he's still dealing with effects of withdrawal. I just want you to prepare yourself for the possibility of it taking longer than 3 months.
It's a very positive sign that your H is getting IC to help him deal with his issues and the issues that will come up during the Piecing process. Take it slowly. It's a long road ahead but you're doing great!

[Lost Rabbit]

Just wanted to pop in and say hi and tell you I answered your other question on your newcomers thread!

[rockedworld]

Thanks Addie,
I appreciate that. I know I need to be realistic.

And thanks Rabbit, my friend! I knew I could count on you.

Doing a bit better today so far....

[rockedworld]

Journaling,

Anger is coming up more. Not sure why... no specific reason. I guess this just happens from time to time. I know we all experience the injustice of our sitches...
Seems to just come in waves sometimes.
Any ideas for how to cope with that?
Of course H isn't ready to deal with this very well, so I try to find my own outlets for it.
Ugh....
Just want this to all go away...
Just venting

Seems ironic cuz if someone would have told me only a few short weeks ago my H would have ended the A and recommited to our M and said some of the wonderful things he said, I would have thought I'd be jumping for joy.
I am grateful. I love my H.
But the anger is sometimes so much!

OK think I'm done now....

[chatterbug]

RDW I have kept away from posting here..... Bad luck and all but I follow.... We are from the same class... Just incase you thought I stopped following.

[Hope4us]

Rocked,

Anger is VERY normal. And at least in my experience, you'll be having those angry periods for quite a while.

Now, what to do with it. Try to figure out and recognize just what it is that triggers the anger so you can better deal with it. And then tell your H about it. I'm not saying you need to dump it on him each time there's been a trigger, but at least let him know so he doesn't misinterpret.

Once W's A was over, I even warned her that there are things that trigger me hugely and while I don't like being angry, it happens, I knew they'd be there going in and I'll deal with them, but a little understanding would be nice.

I'm thinking the anger you're describing now is from the spat you had with H. And that was from your insecurity with the whole mess. You got a call from the Cops (which would throw anyone, let alone someone in our kinds of sitch's), something triggered in your mind that H could have been with OW, H down played your feelings and you reacted. ALL completely normal. Now should you have reacted the way you did? Probably not. The anger towards him put him on the defensive.

And maybe everything he was telling you of the event is true. But at this point you don't trust him. You would be a fool to trust him right now because he's proved himself untrustworthy. Can you get that trust back? Yes, through time and actions he can EARN that trust back.

It's like I tell my kids all the time. Trust is something that is constantly being built, but one lie and a life time of trust can go out the window. And it takes a long time to build that trust back up.

And I would sit down with H and explain that to him. He's not going to like it because he doesn't like you not trusting him, but tough chit. I explained it to my W like this when she told me one time I should trust her because she's telling me the truth about there being no contact with OM for 6 months, "I want to believe you, but it's going to take me time to trust that. I can't automatically turn on the trust switch because you say 'now I'm telling the truth' when I heard so many lies for so long."

And ya know what? I've read on some other sites that blind trust is STUPID. And I have to agree. It's that blind trust that kept me from opening my eyes for a long time when I KNEW W's relationship with OM was inappropriate. If I'd have gone with my gut in the very beginning I could have busted the A very early on at a time when (I learned later) that she was telling OM she'd NEVER leave me and not when it'd progressed so far as her planning on D'ing me so she could marry OM.

I also think not blindly trusting your spouse helps you not take them for granted. It's weird, but for me, now that I KNOW what she's capable of, it keeps me more in tune and protective of our marriage. And that's a good thing.

Keep your chin up. These kinds of bumps in the road go with the territory. You'll get through them, but talk with your H without anger and he'll be much more receptive to hear what you have to say. A good tool some of the folks on DB share when you're feeling one of those triggers come on is say to H "When xx happens it makes me feel yy".

Hope this helps.

[rockedworld]

Hi Cutter!
Glad you are still following around and doing ok! I've tried to follow your sitch here and there also...
You are always welcome on any of my threads

Hope,
thanks so much for your reply, that is very helpful.
I think you are right about what triggered the anger this time around. And, also that H did not seem to understand at all why this triggered me.

We talked last night a little more about it, and then more generally about some of the things that we are both struggling with. It started out as an argument, due to H's frustrations with S15 and our pre-existing issue that H thinks I am too soft with him and I think he is too harsh with him....
But... it evolved into a healthy discussion about some issues we have never found a healthy way to resolve, things we are both working on, reassurances from H, and ML... which was very passionate and tender.

I did tell him some of my triggers during this discussion, some of which he gets, some not, but that's ok.

I know he is expecting more trust than what is reasonable, and my reading on this subject has helped me realize that is quite common on the part of WAS. Part of wanting to sweep it under the carpet and not have to face too much of the guilt I guess.

But, Hope, I agree that blind trust is STUPID! Like most of us here, I have struggled with the fact that my H is the last person I would have ever imagined doing this (most people in our lives don't know and if it ever comes out there will be shock waves in our world like you would not believe! People will NOT believe it!) And, based on this... like you, I ignored my gut feelings way too long before it progressed so far. Like you, it was not until H was ready to D me and marry OW that I finally acted. I regret that too! So much.... But, that is the past and can't do anything about it.

I also had some opportunities to express my anger about OW and her actions, disrespect for me and the kids etc. H said it was good for him to hear that (and also see the fight in me) because he knows he needs to remember how "aggregious" what happened was to me. He talked about how he and OW "normalized" and justified their behavior and he needs to be reminded that that was f'ked up thinking! Which it was! Glad he can see that now, and verbalize it himself....lol

Thanks for validating where I am at Hope....when the next wave comes I will look at what triggers it and try to communicate that.

[pearlharbr]

Rocked, just back from the ski weekend and trying to catch up with everyone.

I'm so sorry you had that bump in the road, wish I had been around for you.

Hope gave you some fantastic advice. I know that I have had and continue to have bouts of anger and more often than not BF bears the brunt of it. The fact that we have read and worked through the exercises in After the Affair and also read Not Just Friends has made a tremendous difference. BF understands where my anger is coming from and he fully realizes that I do not take him at his word. He knows that he has to prove through his actions over time that he deserves to be trusted again. Have you read either of these books? Would your H be willing to read them?

Another question: do you have a transparency plan in place? Sorry, I haven't followed your whole thread so I'm not sure what all happened before you came over to Piecing. A specific plan is very helpful so you feel like you have the means to verify H's whereabouts and he understands that he is expected to be an open book.

I remember early in our piecing days I called BF and he didn't answer his cell phone when I knew he was supposed to be at his apartment. I immediately got in my car and started to drive over there to see if OW was there. He called me back while I was driving and said he didn't hear his phone and just saw that I'd called. I told him I couldn't talk and I was call back in a while. I continued to his apt and knocked on the door. He looked confused but let me in. I told him what I was thinking and that I had to come over and see for myself that OW wasn't there. He understood and reassured me that he would make every effort to answer whenever I called.

I'm going to give you my two cents on your interaction in hopes that it may help you deal with the next one.

We didn't discuss any plans for the evening or anything, and I am still aware of DBing and not doing too much pursuing. I waited til about 2:00 and sent H a text asking how his day was going. I got a reply "good". No, "how was yours?" nothing else.

You already know that this was pursuing. Plus you let his response determine your mood because of expectations. I do that too but it's much easier to remember that just because he's being pissy doesn't mean it's about you.

Nothing else all day, so made a nice supper assuming H would be home, as he has been since A ended.

Back to the transparency plan. Have you discussed sharing schedules? Or let him know that you need to be informed if his plans change? BF calls me every evening from his office so I can see on caller ID that's where he is, telling me before he heads home or if he needs to work late. If he stays he calls me again so I can account for all of his time.

Just before 6:00 I get a call from the police ...the officer stated the complaint was made seeing his car on a particular street that I had wondered was a street OW lived on, but was never able to verify it.... it triggered my fears.

Of course it did. That's totally natural.

So, when I called H my voice was shakey, I was upset.
[snip]
Then there was a conversation about how a few months ago, in my investigating I googled OW's name and came up with that address for someone with the same first initial and same last name. H proceeds to puruse asking me why I would do that, what would I have done with that information, I could have gotten arrested etc.
I then have enough, call him a few choice names and hang up.

I don't know how others feel about this once you hit piecing, but I have never told BF how I gathered my info. He just knows that I have read the emails and know about his phone activity. If he ever asked me how I know I would simply tell him that's not important and not the question at hand. Also, it never helps to escalate the situation. As much as it sucks, you need to be the mature person and handle things calmly.

[quote=rockedworld]
Finally I text that I feel he owes me an apology. I get a call that escalates again. The final point H makes is that for the past couple of weeks he has been giving me every reason to trust him, so why couldn't I trust him about this? I tell him this has only been a few weeks and it is not reasonable to expect that my trust is fully restored. This makes him very mad and we hang up mad again. quote]
Again, more pursuing. Take your time and don't respond out of emotion. If you need to get it out of your system write down what you want to say. That way you can reread, edit and then decide if you really want to say that or just tear it upas a release.

As Hope touched on, of course it's too soon to trust him again. He needs to understand that. I highly recommend asking him to read one or both of the above books or discussing this with his IC. He needs to know that it's going to take months or years to earn back the trust he violated.

You know that this is just the first bump, there will be lots of others. Right now take the time to figure out how to deal with them. It's good that you had a healthy conversation yesterday, just keep working on that.

Sorry this is such a novel! I go away for two days and so much happens!