If you want to play Little Bo Peep then I hope it works for you. I do not support this tactic because I tried it, it failed miserably. Yes, I had a DB coach who told me to do similar things that yours is telling you. Do you feel good following that advice? Because I didn't. It made me feel bad about myself and that is never a good thing. I know what worked for me so that is what I advise others to do.
Best of luck.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Nothing happened 8 months ago, except he met this woman thru mutual friends. All I heard from him about the affair and being done: " I met this person in May. I never thought I was the sort of person to have an affair, but there it was, and I took it. She was only going to be in town for a month, so I thought there would be an end to it. She stayed. I was terrified when she told me she wasn't going back to school. AV, we have gone as long as 6 weeks without ML. I thought it was just my cross to bear,(our lacking sex life) but when OW came along, and I saw my life could be different...well...AV, we are so good together on so many levels, but on a deeply personal level, well..." "AV, I am just done with this R." and he looked so tired and worn when he said that.
So sex was his motivating factor to start. PA moving into EA. What I read about exit affairs made my blood run cold. Seemed to match the sitch.
Though in all honesty, truly, right up to May we had been talking about how our lives were wonderful, how lucky we were to have built this life,re-mortgaged the house again, made jokes about being little old ladies and men together. AND--I swear--my libido had been picking up all spring and we were having more sex in the months leading up to the OW opportunity.
So, the little I know is that lots of hot sex was the cause and continuation of the A.
I don't know that it is an exit affair; but I suspect it is. Unfortunately, he is not holding up a sign saying "EXIT AFFAIR" but the words "I'm done" are pretty chilling.
As for tonight's drama around bill-paying: I think you will all be pretty proud of me.
Got to the library early. Laptop all set up. He comes in.
H: "what's going on?" ME: "nothing, and you?"
H: "oh, here is some news about my truck. blah blah blah." "
ME: oh, gee, that's interesting. OK. Now, here is where I am with the bills:
H: here are some bills that came to me; here are some bank errors (which he had already emailed me about)
ME: OK. Do I have this entered right? What other bills could I set up for auto withdrawal?
H: here are some corrections (nicely said)
ME: here is some apartment news. Do you want to put an ad in Craigslist?
H: Oh, good idea.
ME: OK, that's all good then. (folding up computer)
A moment of hesitation. We put on our jackets, and he initiates: "Oh, I heard you got the grant for so and so. That's great"
"Yes, thanks. It will help with the project."
A little more chit-chat--initiated by him. I indicated my new VULNERABILITY by saying "yes, this is a scary project to be in charge of. I hope it goes well."
Walked out together. Good night. Good night.
So--quiet. Calm. little bit of chatting--initiated by him. Some question by me to him about handling bills correctly (let's him be manly; shows I am willing to admit not knowing everything.)
All wrapped up in about 1/2 hour.
Geezum. But I am still going out for a drink!!
Thanks to all for listening and your advice. I think I found the right balance.
I looked at "the art of seduction" earlier and found it too scary! Maybe now I am braver.
Whoosh. Tired. Thanks.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
I looked at "the art of seduction" earlier and found it too scary! Maybe now I am braver.
It is a very interesting book. If you really want this man back, I feel the info in this book has the best chance of drawing him back. If you find a more interesting man, it should work on him to!
Two other books that are not so scary: "Teach yourself flirting" and "The definitive book of body language". I can read people like a book now. I catch women checking me out now and I seldom get caught checking them out. I know when to approach and when to leave......I know when people are holding back or want to argue. I change the whole dynamics before they can attack.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I went out with a male friend. I definitely think we could have a friendly hook up, just as friends and to have fun and connect. I'm not pushing that, but it has potential.
I will go to amazon.com now and look up this Art of Seduction. I have a lot to learn after 23 years out of the game!
Thanks for all the support. I feel pretty good right now.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
How about you try our game for the next little while.
The #1 rule of this game is to have fun! Some of the stakes are high, especially those of us that have children involved. But playing the game is better than watching from the sidelines.
Here is one of my favorite lines from TAS "Whatever you do and whatever kind of seduction you practice, you must at all costs avoid the natural tendency to crowd your target."
We have so many "DBing rules" that fall under this statement....Do not pursue...be the first to leave..act aloof...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Aver, I'm wondering if what you are struggling with in terms of worrying that you were "too independent" before can be looked at this way: I am guessing that before the bomb, you were independent and also somewhat "disengaged" from your BF. What we are suggesting you do with DBing is to be "independent" in a different way. Don't pursue, don't crowd... be aloof, mysterious, looking fabulous, etc. BUT, when you do have the opportunity to see him, be around him etc. then be ENGAGED, but only briefly... then be the first to disengage again. For example, make eye contact, lock the eye contact, give a flirty smile, then look away first. In conversation, be light, engaged in the conversation without giving too much info about self, show interest in him, but then end the convo first.
