Hope and heartache

[mishka422]

No need to sneak, they are your children and you should be able to see them whenever you like right now since there is no real custody arrangement in place. That is one of the few advantages of limbo.

Why did she have cause to lose trust in you?

[ClingingToHope]

So I'm getting ready for work. In fact I'm just about to leave when someone starts ringing my doorbell. I open the door and it's D7 and W. D7 is all smiles but apparently she's been up all night throwing up.

W says she "has to" be at work at 9:30 a.m. for a unit meeting. It's her unit. She can't miss it.

D7 is standing there jumping up and down. Me, I need to write two stories, go to the grocery store to compile prices for our newspaper's grocery index -- and I have to get all of this done by 4:30 p.m. because I'm working a basketball game tonight.

I didn't have my phone on. It was charging and W did send a text in the morning.

Still, Fridays are THE worst day for me to miss any time, but I couldn't turn W down with D7 standing right there. W promised, promised she would leave right at 10 a.m. to come get D7.

We'll see.

I took a lot of 2-by-4s last night and deservedly so. But early this morning I was doing my bills and wondering again why I'm holding on so tightly when financially I'd be better off with a D than an indefinite stay in limboland. I mean W has given me zero, double-zero indication there's anything left in her heart for me.

[soleil]

Limboland is the worst!!!

CTH, I hope your day is awesome.

[mishka422]

I hate to 2x4 anyone but it was definitely sounding like you needed it last night!

So, it's 11am now....did she come get D7 yet?

[ClingingToHope]

She showed up at 10:40 a.m., about 20 minutes later than she said, which is par for the course.

By the time she got there, I'd picked up the apartment more. D7 and I were watching TV and she didn't want to go.

W started to explain something about tonight and I got a call from a co-worker. I told her I had to take it. They packed up and left. D7 gave me a big wave from the car.

On the way to work, I called W to apologize for the call and to ask what she was talking about. She was looking for my input on whether to cancel D10's friend coming over since D7 had been sick.

We talked it over. D7 doesn't seem sick in any way other than the vomiting. W thought it was a reaction to Thursday's flu shot and as long as she and D7 stayed downstairs while D10 and her friend stayed upstairs -- she was going to bleach everything -- they should be OK.

I agreed.

The only thing is the basement no longer has a TV. I took it with me. She was going to move one downstairs. I thought she meant the big TV and offered to help -- not sure I should have -- but she said she'd move the smaller one.

The look on W's face today was interesting. She didn't look me in the eye when she came over in the morning. No smile. Very stressed.

On the phone after picking Hannah up she seemed more relaxed.

Me, I keep thinking about the question that consumes me every time about my sitch -- have patience and wait this out or file and force things along.

Really, I need to stop thinking in general and get to work.

[mishka422]

Yes, put the thoughts away for now and concentrate on your work. It's good to get lost in tasks sometimes to give your emotions a break.

[awest1217]

HOpe you have a great weekend! I know you have a lot going on in the next week, but try to focus on the girls and how much they are going to enjoy the next two weeks.

[ClingingToHope]

Was home late and now up early to go score another basketball game. I asked the friend I was out with last night if I was crazy to still believe W's fog will lift some day.

She said W was crazy and wondered why I really wanted her back -- for her or the family?

I said I've tried and tried to answer that question in my head and I still can't.

A lot of it comes down to I really want a second chance to see -- now that I've learned how I contributed to the discontent -- if we can do it right.

I just won't be able to understand why I didn't get a second chance.

Here's a small thing.

On way to last night's basketball game I saw icycle lights on a house that looked like they were dripping. It's the newest thing and pretty cool.

My W loves Christmas and puts up as many lights as she can. She was disappointed a few years ago when she finally reached a point where any more lights would trip our power. We even briefly discussed buying a generator so she could put up more.

So I sent her a text -- the first not about the kids in a while -- saying "U r behind. Just saw icycle lights and they look like they were dripping. :)"

After one of the basketball games, she sent back a text: "Were they blue? :)"

She hates blue lights, says they aren't Christmassy. I'd always point out houses with blue lights and say, "look, pretty bluuuuueeee lights."

Is that pursuing or just perhaps a small sign of bridge building back to a R?

[mishka422]

IMO, pursuing. You initiated a non-kid related convo. However, if she doesn't retreat after that then good for you in connecting to her in a non-threatening way.

[ClingingToHope]

I don't know how much more she can retreat. We NEVER talk about anything other than the kids any more.