Positive developments? #2

[MichelleLT]

She thinks D is the only option.

That doesn't mean she thinks it's right.

Whatever her reason - her health, her family, the distance, your job, etc etc etc. She thinks the M can't work.

That's not the same as thinking D is right, or not wanting you.

A small, but important, distinction.

[K4D]

What are you doing to bring joy to your ownself right now? Are you in general a happy person? You seem a bit down on your posts most of the time. What kinds of things do you have going on in your life that you are able to utilize to DB?

Kevin

[dday101798]

hmmm, that was a "brief" re-cap? lol, just kidding.

That brings us up to speed a bit, BUT, why did she move back the second time when things seemed to be going so well? Did you backslide into those habits again? That's a key event you'll have to elaborate more on.

Here's what I get so far, and I'll be blunt about it. Obviously since day one, FIL thinks you're a slug, no question about it. Other than continued education, what have you done to prove him wrong otherwise? Have you had a one on one confrontation ever about this? Or did he do all the talking and you just took it? Something tells me that's how it went down. I get the sense by your posts, you are the qiet non-confronting type?

I am for the most part as well. I will say, my (ex)FIL and I at day one too did not get along, at all. At the time I met my (x)W, she was M'd to her high school boyfriend wh was in jail pending trial for the attempted murder of S12 at a mere 8 weeks old. Me, I was a long haired, minimum wage bar-hopper.

So, fatherly love on (ex)FIL said that I was a undermining threat and (x)W's train of thought should be solely on S12. Little did he know, the very next day after I met (x)W, I was there at S12's bedside in the hospital after hearing her story of what happened. For the duration of my teen years into early 20's I was told I couldn't have kids of my own, so this was a compelling issue, plus I was just so drawn to her by just merely saying "hi, hows it going?" while standing in a line and she captivated me from there on.

Anyway, for quite a bit, a tension mounted between (ex)FIL and I as the relationship with (x)W began to flurish. Ironically, we spent more time tending to S12 than actually dating each other. (ex)FIL versus confronting me, became further and further abusive, verbally and physically to (x)W until I could take it no more and we locked horns, big time. It took brass on my end as I was much like I am now, 140 lbs wet, and he a good 250+, but none the less, that confrontation brought a halt and understanding that I was here to stay. Not only in helping S12 recover, but supporting (x)W in anyway I could, if I had a dollar and she needed fifty cents, I always found a way to get her five dollars.

In the months that followed our confrontation that calmed things, (ex)FIL finally saw the light, along with some fantastic observation of how S12 had latched to me by MIL (RIP Mom), and S12's first word he could utter when he was diagnosed to never be able to speak properly - "dada".

Needless to say, when I popped the question to (ex)FIL to marry his recently D'd daughter within weeks after finding out that (x)W and I were expecting, surprise, our S11, I got the same shapeal about needing a good job and all that jazz, and I told him, I will do what it takes, and I did.

Sorry I got a bit winded in this, but just to show, I understand where you're coming from on the family insight being unsupportive of your efforts. But I do think you need to take a stand, FIL is very detrimental to your M.

So since you relate to that spark when every time you see your W, make it your drive. Prove her and her F wrong, that you can be that person they think you're incapable of, but also be that person in your own right, not their way.

That's a whole nother thing as why my (x)W is back. I went from a high school drop out no-body with nothing, sharing an apartment, to having a successful, stable career, we had our dream home, and I did it all for my family. Then it was all taken away, and in the post D, (x)W saw that even tho I am of limited means, I still do everything in my power to care and comfort our kids. And once again, if they need fifty cents and I have a dollar, they will have five dollars at the end of the day.

[Goodfight]

Hi Jon,
I agree with MT. Mine was the same way except he filed right away, but I haven't heard a word and that was last Jan. he filed. A piece of paper doesn't change feelings or anything. Your W might think she will be able to change the way she feels about you and things like that if she gets a D but it's not like that.

You need to keep on praying and not give up hope. People that get Divorced do get back together and even remarried! So please don't give up now.

[dday101798]

. A piece of paper doesn't change feelings or anything. Your W might think she will be able to change the way she feels about you and things like that if she gets a D but it's not like that.

I was going to add in my summary of why I posted that 'little story' and saw this, so very true, Goodfight, so very true. I can't stand calling her my ex-wife, doesn't feel right, never has.

Anyway Jon, the moral of the story is that there is a saying, in establishing a long lasting relationship, men seek out a woman like their mother, conversly, women seek out a man like their father. Need I say more?

[River]

Hi Jon

I've been reading the boards for a while, including your story, but haven't posted before. First, I want to say that I'm full of admiration for the good spirit, fortitude, loyalty, and moral clarity that you've shown throughout this difficult situation.

The reason I post now is to try to bring together a few matters that have come up in different posts over the last couple of days. I don't have any suggestions, just a few questions, and the wish to add my voice as another person out there who's hoping the best for you.

At the centre of the difficulties you're facing seem to be, as your C said, your FIL -- it's quite a striking element of your story that your W & FIL are to be the only family members to know about her plans to file. Alongside this there's your W's unaddressed grief over her mother, and her ongoing health problems. You also mention how your W's family are committed to medical solutions to your W's headaches, but the medical treatment doesn't seem to have helped her in any long term way.

Your recap was helpful, but I wonder, could you add, when did your W's parents divorce? Also, when did your wife's health problems first begin? Also, could you say a bit about how your FIL responded (and coped with) your MIL's death? One final question - you mentioned your BIL but say you haven't met him - I'm a bit puzzled - is this your W's brother (and son of your FIL)? If so what's the relationship like between BIL and FIL?

Like I say, I don't have any insight into these matters, just reflecting on how the family dynamics and grief might be impacting on your W's situation.

Wishing you all the best in your situation, River

[Goodfight]

DDay, do you think you can hop over to my thread and give some insight on my sitch?

[dday101798]

DDay, do you think you can hop over to my thread and give some insight on my sitch?

Certainly, my hourly fees are negotiable. However, forgive my ignorance, but where might your sitch be?

[jon2911]

when did your W's parents divorce?

She was a sophomore in high school, so that would be 1999. Their M appeared perfect right up to the bomb. All 3 kids chose to stay with their dad, unusual and interesting. FIL re-married within a year, after promising W he wouldn't until she was in college. This is still a very sore spot.

Also, when did your wife's health problems first begin?

Around that time. They got progressively worse through college and into our M. She's also had several concussions, which add head injury pain but don't cause her migraines, according to the doctors. One concussion was an accident we had a week before our wedding, which FIL uses to blame the health problems on me.

MIL told me that W refuses help and will not let things go. "If you're going to be married to her, you'll have to figure out how to help her, because she won't let you." Still haven't figured out how.

Also, could you say a bit about how your FIL responded (and coped with) your MIL's death?

That was definitely twilight zone time. She died of cancer which she'd battled for 10 years. From her deathbed she asked him to come see her, and he refused. SIL stayed with her mom during this time in the hospital and told us this. We'd been married 4 months, and didn't know how to help her through it all.

One final question - you mentioned your BIL but say you haven't met him - I'm a bit puzzled - is this your W's brother (and son of your FIL)? If so what's the relationship like between BIL and FIL?

That's interesting. They got married a year ago (which is why I haven't met him). They live in New York. FIL boycotted the wedding because he didn't approve of BIL. He pulled similar crap with our wedding, but eventually came.

Thanks for reading, River, and thanks for the support!

[jon2911]

Anyway Jon, the moral of the story is that there is a saying, in establishing a long lasting relationship, men seek out a woman like their mother, conversly, women seek out a man like their father. Need I say more?

Thanks for the story and advice dday.

I know that's the norm, but both SIL and W chose people completely different from FIL. He's an overweight CEO who looks and acts a lot like Potter from It's a Wonderful Life. Watched it yesterday and it's uncanny. Everything to him is about career, money, status symbols. He failed out of calculus 3 times, changed his major to business and has been extremely successful ever since. He's an incredible salesman.

I'm just not. I tried the corporate cubicle world for a year and a half, then sales for 3 months. I thought if I tried hard enough I could succeed in his world and impress him. It just wore me out.

Now I'm back helping run the site I helped found, it's right up my alley as a musician:
http://www.revostock.com

I have a passion for helping musicians make a living, and that's what we're doing. It used to be that to "make it" you had to get a record label and deal with the suits like FIL. Artists have hated that since the beginning, but the Web changes the rules.

Yes, most of the time I've just listened to him. He's so forceful it's hard to do anything else. Have you ever dealt with a CEO? I sat with him in May for my Amends step in recovery, and we had a good talk. We have such different perspectives, but I'm starting to see I can learn some things from him and throw out the rest.

As for actually standing up to him, W never allowed me to do that.