Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

Wow..as I was typing the above my text went off...it was exh but I didn't look at it until I was done with my post. He said "did you get my email?" It had only been 10 minutes. Just now he sent "WTF! DO NOT IGNORE ME".


Set a boundary on the texts now. Then act as if you assume he's drunk when he text yells at you b/c honestly it is drunk or insane sounding. I have NEVER sent OR received a text like that even when h and I were at each other's throats, let alone for a 10 min delay. That is officially nuts. You can't have that in your life. So tell him to text only for real emergencies, or baby related items that can't wait AND NO DRUNK MESSAGES and if he says "WHAT DRUNK MESSAGES" tell him you assumed he was drunk b/c they're so over the top and wildly inappropriate he'd HAVE to be drunk to text YOU like that!! IS he stomping his feet and holding his breath til he turns blue too? Good grief....
j-
Blood is boiling now! God calm me down.

Assuming he's drunk or insane may help you with staying calm. It's as if he's a homeless wacko that yells at you b/c you remind him of a mean teacher he had in 2nd grade. Would you really get mad or shrug it off as the ramblings of a lunatic? (The latter...so do the same for your X h. He is out of control now...sooo weird and beyond the pale).

See I do much better when I don't like him

I can see why...
J-

[Reincarnated]

I grew up with an alcoholic mom...SO much arguing and fighting between us until all hours of the night while I was a teen. I did not realize that she was drunk.

Lesson learned at 19 - you can't reason or argue with a drunk.

When I finally related that to the sitch with my x (that he was going to justify any and everything), I finally started to get better and put up proper boundaries.

They don't have to actually be currently under-the-influence to perpetuate the crazy thought patterns, BTW...

[bright_new_day]

I am now convinced that I am going to garnish with the explanation that it causes too much stress between us and I don't want it to be an issue anymore.

Or you could garnish with no explanation. You don't owe him anything, much less an explanation.

[Startingover2]

hey, just read about the woman with the twins. you should try to establish a friendship... BUT, you need to make sure you guys focus on positives..it's very easy to focus on the negatives when you in the same boat. but you guys can strategize together and figure out creative ways to help your exh's get their lives straight. you could really help her alot. did you mention DB?

We did talk about that very thing. Hoping this mornings Alanon meeting is good too.

25 thanks again too. I know boundaries is going to be the key with my exh. After I posted I gave baby a bath and then responded to exh about the email and told him I hadn't read it but will get back to him when I did. He said "its late. Where have you been?". First, it was like 7:30! I didn't respond. He then sent "what is with the attitude?" I didn't respond again. He knows HE was the one with the attitude and now is trying to turn the tables on me like always.

The cycle continues. I see that. Almost like the rabbit/fox stuff on K4's thread. Its happening here too.

[Startingover2]

Donna, BND, and Gabby: I hope the Alanon is helpful too. I haven't been in 2 years and then I had a different mindset. You cannot reason with a drunk. No way, no how. Even when they are sober they are so guilt ridden that they blameshift anyway.

I really don't know what to do on Xmas. My atty says since I have sole custody he does have the right to see baby on Xmas along with his family. He said there are some things I will have to suck up and do to keep the sole custody. This may be one. No, I don't plan on staying too long, but I will go. I just keep it in my mind that baby is visiting and the one he wants there...I am purely the bodyguard! LOL

[JAK58]

[/quote]There's a lot of clarity in your sitch that somehow confuses you way more than it should. His texting is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Who the heck cares if he sends you a note to "kiss the baby" b/c he feels affection for her or a synapse fires in his brain or he's horny and it's the only safe way for him to say a semi-loving thing OR he thinks it sounds good OR it means nothing at all or his shirt is blue...to me, it's nothing to consider. I'd turn the phone off if it bothers you and tell him not to text after "x" time and not for anything that isn't an emergency. He does NOT have boundaries with you, b/c you don't. No one here can say the magic phrase or sentence that will change him. All we can do is try to support you in changing your life. But you don't seem to be doing that and so, it's frustrating. More like you are getting used to being semi-miserable and saying "things are better" b/c the pain is more of a dull ache instead of a stabbing burning poke...I get it. But you've just been "here" too long.

Good luck S2, you sound like a good mom. I think someone around here will be able to help you "un-stuck" yourself when you are ready. I hope for your sake, and your children's, that the time for you being ready for happiness comes sooner rather than later. You do deserve it, but maybe you don't believe that at some level. I don't know why you feel that way. Sounds like a question for a t or c. Again, good luck[quote]

SO2,

Please listen to everyone here!
25 speaks the truth very eloquently.

You do not owe an explaination to your XH at all for the garnishment and at least not to say it causes you both stress, you maybe but certainly not him.

It sounds wonderfull about your new friend and maybe you can share babysitting so that you may both go out separate and meet people on your own. You know GAL/DETACHMANT!!!!!
Would be good for both of you.

I can not express enough as to how 25 has your sitch figured out it seems. I couldn't have put it to you anywhere near as well and you know how iv'e tried.

Christmas: If you feel you should go do it for a small while and maybe leave before dinner and plan on that at home where you can relax and have a great day overall.
Just a suggestion.

JAK

[bright_new_day]

Donna, BND, and Gabby: I hope the Alanon is helpful too. I haven't been in 2 years and then I had a different mindset. You cannot reason with a drunk. No way, no how. Even when they are sober they are so guilt ridden that they blameshift anyway.

I really don't know what to do on Xmas. My atty says since I have sole custody he does have the right to see baby on Xmas along with his family. He said there are some things I will have to suck up and do to keep the sole custody. This may be one. No, I don't plan on staying too long, but I will go. I just keep it in my mind that baby is visiting and the one he wants there...I am purely the bodyguard! LOL

Can you go to SIL's house, spend a little time exchanging pleasantries, then leave before dinner? Make it clear before you go that you will not be staying for their family dinner, and don't let anyone guilt you into staying.

[Startingover2]

Donna, BND, and Gabby: I hope the Alanon is helpful too. I haven't been in 2 years and then I had a different mindset. You cannot reason with a drunk. No way, no how. Even when they are sober they are so guilt ridden that they blameshift anyway.

I really don't know what to do on Xmas. My atty says since I have sole custody he does have the right to see baby on Xmas along with his family. He said there are some things I will have to suck up and do to keep the sole custody. This may be one. No, I don't plan on staying too long, but I will go. I just keep it in my mind that baby is visiting and the one he wants there...I am purely the bodyguard! LOL

Can you go to SIL's house, spend a little time exchanging pleasantries, then leave before dinner? Make it clear before you go that you will not be staying for their family dinner, and don't let anyone guilt you into staying.

That is kinda what I was thinking too.

[bright_new_day]

Make sure that they know ahead of time that is your plan. Send an e-mail to SIL thanking her for the invite, but letting her know you will be stopping by with baby, then leaving before dinner. That way you don't have to explain yourself when you get there and she won't be short any desserts!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

25, I would like to first say that you have valid points. however, what I am going to do is highlight some of your wording. remember, the people here are needing help, they are hurting, and they need support. I think it would help SO2 more if you left out the sarcasm/criticism. We want to help encourage her to do the right things not make her feel stupid.

and perhaps your writing in this manner because you are frustrated in your own sitch too. I know that everyone here can get easily frustrated, including myself, and we just want to help the other person understand.

S2,
Get your helmet on b/c you need a serious 2 x 4...


Child support is not up to you. It's for the child. What right do you have to decide whether she should get the support from her father to which SHE is entitled? The court & state trust that you will see that she is cared for and that means getting the C/S as efficiently as possible and I would NOT Even start a div sitch OR a sep without making sure the funds would be there and if they weren't, a garnishment would be the "Easiest" thing to do so HE doesn't have to remember to pay or get an envelope and stamp or drive over blah blah blah EASIEST FOR ALL CONCERNED...OH, but then you don't get to SEE HIM?

If anything, forcing this might make your X h respect you a tad more (or a lot more) since you would be putting your child's needs ahead of your own terror of "losing him" (as if you guys are working on things IN your m) and your need for contact with him RADIATES...

Get a garnishment if he is ever late. OH, what's that? HE HAS BEEN LATE SEVERAL TIMES AND YOU DID WHAT?? Nothing??? Dang, that tells me all I need to know...

I met a woman who proudly told me she "never took a cent from her X h for child support"...gee, how wonderful. Her children lived in squalor but hey, SHE never took a cent from their father?!! Isn't she great?? Why didn't she refuse ALIMONY but still accept CHILD support? Child support wasn't HERS to turn down.
Who was she to turn THEIR money down? Why'd she do that?

B/C HER pride was HER motivation, and her vindictiveness against the kids' dad b/c he didn't get to see them. THEY Suffered b/c of HER choice and HER pride. Not one of them went to college and only one finished high school. They were tired of wearing crappy shoes, living in public housing and being hungry. One enlisted and the others are still on welfare --but away from HER...30 years later they still suffer from their horrid upbringing and poverty their poverty does not cause them to have a poor future. that was their own choices. I grew up in poverty and I went to college, I paid for it myself. and made a good life for myself as well.. They could have had more but thanks to HER pride and belief that it was all up to HER, they didn't.

Learn something here. This isn't YOUR money YOU are debating. You are so afraid of upsetting your already DIVORCED h, that your fears are causing you to risk money that does not belong to you. It is your child's funds and life style you are risking and To what end?

And the irony of it all, is that although you have the tiniest chance of a reconciliation with your X h, it would first require him seriously changing his ways and his life, and imo, you do the exact opposite of what could spark that into happening. He has not lost you. SO why would he miss what he still has? He can and does do whatever he wants, except what he's forced to do and even that, he barely does-- and with an attitude. And you enable it every time...amazing. What do you think that does for your "cause" Your GAL or your recon or your detachment? (remember that word? WE use it for a reason) How does that move you towards a future with OR without him?
You have been in this situation a LONG time....way way too long...OMG...
What is up with that? MAKE HER the priority in your life, and not your boozing XXXXXXXXX h.

j-

I could probably have highlighted more, but this is just an example. we're not here to bash the other person. I know you are passionate about helping her, but I think it will help more if we are more encouraging or using loving criticism.

the other thing is, I believe she does make her baby a priority. the general things we read here is about exH because that's where her struggles lie. I don't believe she lets exH have all reign of her life. does she dwell on him too much, yes, but she has put up boundaries and has stuck to them, like this last CS check issue.

This is a hard sitch because what is most important when people D, is to keep a good R between father (or mother) and child. I believe she is making some good choices in order for that to happen, not perfect, but good.

On the CS, lets get some facts. SO2, I do not know about how late he is/has been, or about any missed payments...you have mentioned 10 months were good...what happened the next months, how many times has he been late and how late was he? Has he missed a payment ever? these answers would be helpful in making the CS decision as well. My opinion is always to help the other person have the ability to be the best and do what is right by their OWN choice. Forcing people to do things is usually not the most helpful way to encouraging them to do what is right. Again, as I mentioned, filing for garnishment basically is telling the person being garnished that they can't be trusted.

However, if you approach them beforehand, and let them know and I really liked your thoughts 25, that it can make things easier. Try to look at it thru exH's eyes, and how could garnishing help him. (fyi, I definitely wouldn't use the word garnishment though)

anyways, I do agree with 25 about this being about baby in regards to the CS. But a person can also become vindictive with that as well.

SO2, If you decide to file, I think there is nothing wrong with that, but I think it is best to approach him about it first and try to make it a positive thing, he most likely will be upset, but IMHO he will respect you more if you do that, then if you file in secret- which IMHO will not help him respect you more. If you decide not to file yet I will support you there too, as I mentioned you have a great opportunity with you putting up that boundary and him abiding by it and then telling him what I wrote previously, but I would still like to hear how he has been late in the past to make a better judgment on it.

ultimately it boils down to YOUR decision, and I want you to pray about it, and be at peace with that decision, and then do the steps to make that decision work in your favor.