A Choice

[sandi2]

Ahhh, got a rise out of you about your son. That's good. And when you describe him, I hear the pride you have. Yes, you have done a good job in raising him.

God help me! He sure did

God will help you with your M stitch also. It is scary for people, at times, and that is when we have to put it in the hands of God.

Your part is to gather all the information you can and try to carry it out the best you can. Believe in yourself and what you are doing.

Being a "softie" is sweet, but it doesn't work on WAW's. ('m not talking about those in abuse situations.)A WAW is like a rebellious teenager. That is why I wanted you to think about how you had to do with raising your son.....b/c it is much like a WAW who is rebelling against you.

[patpat]

Thanks S2

God has been a HUGE part of my life. More so in the last 14 months. have not always been a Godly man, although I did make my appearances in church.... you know, just to be seen.

Never thought He would get a hold of me like here has. He is first in my like in all things. W second, then S, everything else as I prioritize.

And Thank you once again. I am very, so very proud of him (S).

I will think hard and long on 'rebellion". Never looked at it like that. It may make it easier for me to swallow.

Q: My W seem to want to come home. Also seems to want to try MC from time to time. She says she thinks about it but states she is not in a place where she feels comfortable with either right now. What are your thoughts????

[TrentC]

Q: My W seem to want to come home. Also seems to want to try MC from time to time. She says she thinks about it but states she is not in a place where she feels comfortable with either right now. What are your thoughts????

If you set boundaries regarding no contact with the OM, she can do what she likes as long as she respects them.

[patpat]

Ok....

but how do I get her to understand that. Do I just flat out tell her. I am not speaking to her right now. She has my Boundary. It may be working... I don't know. She is staying with friends (which of whom I do not care much for but they do not know that) and her friends hubby tells me things. She comes home straight from work and stay there all night. rarely gets out, but in his opinion, very slow with regards to the OM... though he is still very much in the picture.

Can I kill him now..... jk

[TrentC]

but how do I get her to understand that. Do I just flat out tell her.

"W, I understand that you are feeling unsure. You are free to come home if you want but you must cut off all contact with OM if you do."

[patpat]

I have told her that. She knows. I think maybe she just has not decide what she really wants to do.

her friends hubby told me she has been depressed as of late and has shut everyone out.

She is also on anxiety meds or something; anti-depressants....

I will tell her again when time is right....

[TrentC]

I have told her that. She knows. I think maybe she just has not decide what she really wants to do.

Fair enough; that just seems like a no-brainer to me, if she's asking to come home.

[sandi2]

Tell her that you do not believe in an open M and that you won't live that way.

The title to your thread says it all......it is a choice. You know that you cannot control her....and that is not what you are trying to do by setting a boundary. You simply state what you can or can't do, and in this case, you can't live in an open M. She has to make a choice between you and the OM.

If you need to, you may have to say something like, "I have decided that I will not share my W with another man, so unless you come home ready to work on this M and be willing to be transparent in your emails, friendships, etc., then I will do whatever I have to in order to protect myself".

I know you do not want to have to say that to her, but if you have to get that tough....then it is something to think about.

As for the MC, I am not in favor of it unless she has dropped all contact with OM for good. As long as he is in the picture, it will be a waste of time. Listen, I went to a C when I was having my EA....and she was all for it!! So, you need to be very careful who is chosen for any C. If you do reach the place that you can go... be sure you get a pro-marriage C or it will do more harm than good.

My suggestion about your W asking if she can come home is simply ask if OM is still in the picture and if she says "yes" then tell her "no". I don't think any further discussion would be necessary, do you?

Having an A is not only the most disrespectful thing a W can do to her H, but it is a high form of rebellion against him and the M. I have even told some H's that there are times that you have to deal with a WAW in an A like a teenager, b/c she does not think rationally and she is eat up with the fantasy she's created. She just is not who she use to be and that is why it usually takes some sort of shock to yank her head around and cause her to start thinking correctly. Even if she does, she still has a battle, but we can talk about that later.

[patpat]

@ Deep

Yes I agree. S2 is a God send for me. I do so feel drawn to her. Can't get over the 2X4 where she threw my S into it. Even now, days later, I reread her thread and stare @ the monitor.

Analizing....

Analizing....

Analizing....

At what point does it just hit you int the face. She sure did. I think she meant to do so. I am glad she did.

I think sometimes you need to connect in some way with someone. I believe for me, it is S2.

I know others have told me the same thing, but not in the light she has. She came into my house and put it between my S and myself. I see it better that way.

IT HAS GIVEN ME THE STRENGTH I NEED TO TAKE ONE MORE STEP.

Deep, Thank you as well. I will no longer mind read. I have taken action this day. And the sh!t has hit the fan big time.

My control, no control, out of control and finally some comfort.

I am not sure, but we shall see. I am though, in a better place as we speak.....

Thanks!

[patpat]

@ S2

I love you! I do not know you but I love you! Thanks.

You hit me with 2X4 with S to show me what I have not been allowing myself to see.

I made my choice tonight and made a solid boundary and got a wicked unexpected reply to the boundary. Also, Dark broken again today. Oops!

I email W my boundary. I did it just as you said, keeping in mind she is a rebelling teenager. Looked at it just in that way.

I made "a choice".

I decide my M was over this evening. trying to bring some peace to myself. Lord knows I want and desire just the opposite.

You made me uncomfortable (in my own skin) thinking about the possibility that I could have screw up my kid. If that was not your intent, that was how I precieved it. Thank God, I did not. But it brought to light the absolute need to set a firm boundary. Others have told me the same thing, but no one actually brought it front and center as you have. Thank you!

This evening (repeating myself), I decided my M was over. It really did not matter what W thinks, does, reacts, thinks, or says (got that from DEEP). I use your words and just sent it.

I did not expect a reply and did not get one.... like I thought I would (via e-mail).

Today, it is cold out. Raining and waiting for snow to hit. W has not physically come into house for awhile as she says she sees it as a source of pain right now.

My reply to the boundary. She showed up. Mad! W and I never raised voices at each other in argument or conflict. I really do not know this woman like I use too. But she showed up at the front door about 2 hours ago.

She asked me what that was all about. I just told her that she needed to know where my responsibility ended with our M and hers began, and vice versa.

She tried to tell me that she did not know what she wanted to do right now because she still had to figure things out in her head. I agreed with everything she was saying, even if I did not agree. BTW, we were both standing out in the rain and cold.

The more I agreed with her about why she feel things went the way that they did, the calmer she became. Funny how this sh!t actually does work, and apparently (getting a reaction) so quickly. I must say again, I was not ready or prepared for her showing up.

The more I agreed with her, the calmer she got. I was just looking for the 5 or 10 % of what she was saying to be agreeable with. Our convo. when straight into past problems between the 2 of us.... she started and I listened. Something, I never really did while she was home and agreed with most everything she said (?), if I couldn't agree, I said nothing.

I was goning tyo wait until after holidays to do this but....

She told me after 1.5 hours of standing in the rain (freezing) that she knows she has hurt me, she realizes that I did not do anything to make her make the choice that she made. She tried to tell me that she was sorry.

Not sorry enough as she is still seeing OM.

She told me that she did not like the person that she is becoming and laugh when she said she could not afford to pay for the divorce. She Thanked me for taking care of her cell phone... bill was 'bout $700. I told her that I did not do it for her, but because it was in my name and I did not want to get a bad mark on credit report, that I did it because my cell and my S's are also connected to the same plan. I told her I had thought about cancelling her phone and chose not to because of her work. I did state that family finances were not to be used on OM and running up the bill it just that. We have had the same carrier for umpting years and I never upgraded the plan. I did so last night so that everything is unlimited to avoid additional charges. She does not know that though. This is one very tiny step to protect me against a large bill from happening again.

She went on to say (after I told her I would be filing for D) that she had a choice to make. I just laughed at her as if... and she began to laugh also.

She said, she did not like herself and that she wanted to get back into church. I invited her but she refused saying, after what she has done, she would not feel comfaortable going back to our home church. I did tell her that if she would like to go, I would consider another church. Funny thing is, I did not like the church I now attend. It is the church she grew up in. All her friends and fam go there. Myself, because that is where she feel most comfortable. She says she has run into others from the church out and about, and felt uneasy around them.

I told her that everyone is watching... not judging in our church community and just want you to come home to God. She said she knows.

We did talk abouit healthy relationship boundaries that need to be established if we are to attempt getting back together. We discussed our feelings...

This is also funny... "ILYBIANILWY" has changed to I do love you, I just felt uncomfortable saying it. I told her that was because she created a fantasy with the OM and it just one more was for her to justify. She said, she was not trying to justify it... did not agree here... I called her on her BS!

I do want her to come home. I know she feels she will be welcome eventually. She loves the changes in me and the new look. But I left her with I have some more healing to do, and I am not sure at this point that a marriage with her is what I want. I have my self respect back and the respect for our marriage, and that she has taken a sh!t all over it, I had some hard thinking to do.

She left C awhile back because her C was pro marriage and a Godly man. She stated she would reconnect with her C and work on fixing herself. I told her that would be a good start. I told her I would attend when the time was right and that would be up to her C.

I feel as though I am now in the drivers seat. I still do not want my M to fail. My goal is still the same. The OM is still in the pic., but there is a light shining.

I do not hurt so bad now. i believe I have let go, I know that I have. I do not know if I will go dark at this point. Never really got started good at it anyway. But may return. I will limit contact to TM and delayed responses. I will continue to GAL and DB.

Meantime, I will be hanging with you guys here. Learning, hoping and praying. For now, here, in this forum, I have found my fam.

S2, I think I shocked her. I wish you could have seen her face when I said I was filing. I can afford it! Ha

I probably will hold off though, my heart speaks this too me. Also, I do not believe in divorce. We shall see.

As for the battle, I will need much advice to go from here. I am in new water now. I haven't a clue what to expect or where this a headed. But at least, I do not feel so bad.

Thanks for the kick in the jumblies!