@Coach -- I'll have to read that and find out how to get my mojo back. Actually I haven't lost my mojo; it's just in winter hibernation.
@robx -- That's too much work. She's left me alone today, the kids go to her place tomorrow, so there's at least 6 days of peace forthcoming.
Fact is, I'm all out of sorts these days. I'm tired. I can't seem to get up in the morning. I don't have the energy to be getting divorced at the moment; I'd just as soon be divorced as be going through the process. The kids have been struggling so much, I've just focused so much energy on them, that the tanks are running dry.
It was a miracle on the order of the loaves and the fishes that I was able to do both grocery shopping and Christmas shopping on the same day -- and go to the dentist for a cleaning. That's a seriously full day by current standards.
These days I just miss being married. And that in and of itself is exhausting.
It's the holidays. Lots of emotions bubble forth like sparklies in champagne. For you. For the kids. For her.
As my wise brother kept telling me.. just get it over with. Wrap up the divorce so you're living YOUR life, so neither you or the kids keep living in limboland. So the boundaries are completed. So that the new norm become settled.
And completing a divorce is tough. I know I felt like I was in a movie, disassociated, amazed that it was actually happening. *hugs* But you've done tougher things.
Push your lawyer to finish it. Her behavior is not going to change with a piece of paper. So tell her you'd like to wrap this up promptly. Tell your lawyer the same thing. You can choose to tell her that right now it's better for you to keep to email. Or you need your space to 'heal'.. transition.. whatever.
Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and wrap up the last 5% of this taxing process. It's the final push that's always the hardest, but the most rewarding.
It's not bad advice you give, @Gypsy, but just advice I'm not taking
It's become pretty clear that WAWttorney's strategy is just that -- get bogged down in nit-noid details (will the date of separation be the date of filing, the date of emotional separation, the date of declaration, the date of physical separation?) in the hopes that I get fed up enough to take what she's offering, which is completely unreasonable.
The numbers are large enough to make it worthwhile, even if "all" I can do at the end is bid them down to 50% of my "true" entitlement, even given the costs attendant to retaining Mouthpiece -- so I can do War of Attrition. "The generals sat, as the lines on the map, moved from side to side." Frankly I think I can outlast WAW.
And that's what this is at this point: Survivor -- Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.
Sad to hear those tanks are running dry. Hope a virtual pat on the back for you adds a little. You're doing good with those kids.
Too bad the legal stuff is getting down to little nits and picks. This stuff can truly add up to big legal costs and she as a L ought to know better than anyone. (Urban legend example: the couple who spent thousands in legal fees fighting over a set of worthless Hummel figurines). I hope you can find a way to call her on it and tell her to get this business done.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
By this time last year, the former spouse who'd been going gangbusters toward the divorce started slowing down. In retrospect he wanted to make sure we filed jointly so he wouldn't take a big a tax hit for 2008. The divorce was finalized January 16th of this year. If it had been finalized in 2008 it would have been tougher financially for him.
So while you do 'Survivor' mode what happens with the potential trial aspect of the divorce? In Connecticut they go by the date the papers were served.
It pains me to realize that the total cost of our divorce was over $150,000 dollars which resulted in a standard settlement. The second attorney the former spouse hired increased the financial toll by 100% between his fees and the interactions between him and my attorney.
Now the cash reserves are nonexistent, no moola for the kids' college, tweaking out an existence because of a housing market where no one is buying (except vultures).
Do what you need to do. In the end I learned that stuff was stuff, that most people end up with the general parameters set by the state and that finally living life after divorce relieves an incredible amount of stress.
Oh yes.. I got screwed because somehow I ended being responsible for half of the combined outstanding legal fees. Sucked the big wad.
I was bereft last year, the first Christmas with a shredded family. As I was trying to figure out how to make it special with a a severe lack of funds, my ever wise brother chuckled.
"Gypsy, the kids will know that you're the one who's always done it all. The only difference is that Mr. Gypsy won't be signing his name at the last minute."
And you know what? It was fun.
One thing my kids have enjoyed was the hunt for the Santa gift. Some years they'd have to guess who's was who's based on what was drawn on the wrapping, other times.. their favorite, was having to search through the house going from one clue to another until they found the final hiding place. Even then they'd still have to solve which gift was theirs.
One of the funniest times was when they opened their best guesses, all of which were wrong.. an American Girl doll, inline roller skates and something else. It was pretty fun as they tried to wheedle the presents off of the other!
Regardless.. you're clever. Anything that engages your kids brings a special joy. It's not a competition, it's about giving in a way that brings a sparkle to their eyes and a hug to your heart.
@Gypsy - that's a posting that rocks. Thanks for that.
We've done some fun stuff so far - christmas tree shaped jellos, snowman cakes, DIY decorations.
Part of the problem is that I've sort of cycled back to those early post-post-Bomb Shock feelings, but can't find the time or space to let them run themselves out. I'm not doing any of those maladaptive non-DB behaviors, mind you--not doing any DB'ing, either--just experiencing that immediate sense of anger-grief-loss-confusion. I'm not even taking much from my as-usually swell interactions with Miss Someone. I don't expect it to last, but it definitely sucks to be "back" in that way. And seeing Themselves struggle I inevitably hear echoing in my head those WAWords from the Bomb: "I decided my happiness is more important than the kids'."
I don't know that she still feels that way, or whether in fact she ever felt that way - it's not my place to mind-read, excuse, or guess. But I do know the very fact that she could say that so rankles that..... Well you know.
